If only...

There lay 1000 suns amidst the thought of asking you out and the possibility of even considering to sit across a table with those jet black eyes staring the hell out of me asking all curious questions without a single word...
Not because you were monogamous in your failed marriage to a girl out of your religion , not because I have been polygamous in my successful marriage within my community caste and subcaste too...
Not because you unjudged me for being happily uncommitted in a legal bond not because I excused you for now exploring physical perks of non matrimonial crown...
Not because you told me you are attracted to me not on face but on hush hush blue ticks at wee hours unbothered...
Not because the experimental kiss that happened between us was awkward from your end and totally working and hot on mine...
Unbothered because you cared to tell me no it's not working and that you can't do it to your best friend's wife...
Unbothered because you knew that I had already married my boyfriend's best friend once and that craziness runs in my blood
Not because it definitely unbothered me if  any faintest resemblance of her to me un-nerved you or maybe absolutely not...
But because it unbothered me if I could yet again fall for another best friend of my husband ...
History repeating itself till lessons were learnt was a scary realisation and both you and me were tired of running on and off this track with our historical baggages in tow...
Of questions about our present , about plastic fences that we pseudo cared for scare us even as we deny...
About synthetic conditioning that we were raised to believe in , about morals that societ reforms sulked about and about my genuine trust about human resonance...
Sure of my craziness of leaving it all and running off with a vibrationally synchronised soul about letting everyone love anyone and celebrating anyone loving everyone
About the shock, disbelief and unacceptance about my evolution from my crushes on different attributes at different times on different men...
If only we could take a step
If only we could learn to trust
If only we could build up a whim
If only if we dared to dream
If only we could hold the hand
And walk some steps...
With no sacred fire , zero precious metal rings , nil signs on pieces of paper
Live for an experience to be etched in our blueprints just to learn a lesson and move ahead in life without creating additional drama around things...
If only I could be humanly divine as you just like how divinely human I am...

Galaxies in my cup...

Missing you Never happens out of the blue
Midnights of cold enforced solitude when mugs of hot chocolate and fluffy blankets fail miserably to provide the expected rise in mercuries from Mars and Venus...
I keep remembering the comforting darks that we spent on our favorite recliner, watching mushy rom coms , chick flicks, dramas, thrillers , actions, horrors sometimes wearing each other's clothes...
Me in your boxers and you in my singlet...
On nights of off season or in season rains when there is no moon to look at or no thinking that you may also be looking at it from where you are, connecting us in strange ways because monsoon here and there pours waters that taste differently
On rainless noons where sun blazes fire to shame , my hormones unable to tame yearn to undo your weaning
And noons remind me of your full shirts that I hated... Because you looked drop dead handsome in them and then I wouldn't want to let you go for work looking all dapper in that powder blue crisp formal shirt and khaki beige killer trousers...
I also hated you in short sleeved tees... Because then I could skin feel your   impeccably carved biceps that made me want to be in your arms for another minute way past your till your sleeping patience ran out , but you'd still stay in and lay there doing what you gorgeously did...
Run your fingers through my hair while we spoke nothing feeling your heart beats as my head rested on your chest...
I also hated you without shirt... Because it showed marks of a kiss here and a faint scratch there... Your flat stomach and the scar on your neck which reminded me of the tree bark you lifted to save me from an accidental leg slip on our way down from Karnala bird sanctuay... I hated you always... With clothes or without and you loved me nevertheless...
The door bell rings incessantly on some days and random mails , parcels couriers drop in not allowing me to day dream about you about us about how your honey almond  eyes gleamed when they caught me staring at you in between routine random talks ...
On chirpy spring mornings when the cuckoo peps the world in candy floss and yet my world spins for a toss when some lay man in the lift wears the same Issey miyake making my heart skip a beat on the whim of a whiff...
I remember the post work mandatory hug that smelled ohh so good and familiar and calmed me down with the fragrance...
I remember how we'd skip dessert to quickly brush and get in bed and how one of us burst into a laughing fit blaming the other to be extra horny since the paste taste was still there...
Someone forgot to rinse well said our notoriously inviting stare...
No it's not gross that I still remember how you tasted early in the morning unbrushed unwashed on my palette, your morning breathe was musk and so was our post workout love making...
Uninhibited , unhygienic, crude, raw...
I remember that I ate my food fast but you ate it faster and so we d never dine out we d rather cook at home ....
Which meant that I cooked and you d do your man thing
You d watch the match or the news or the history channel or YouTube
I d lovingly serve you d ravenously eat and then we d savor our lips for dessert  and make out on the couch
And as we happened some things didn't
Like I expressed myself through words I tried to understand that maybe you couldn't
I wanted to know where we stood , who we were and our woulds or coulds
I wanted to know if there were any boundaries expectations or labels to what we were
Some things needed to be named as we grew near
I asked you smiled and then we walked a few miles
It was a walking date , maybe twist of fate
You chose to close you read out three poems which stated your current state of mind , those poems weren't yours...
I was looped into an uncalled for rewind.
To want a closure not a seal was just a small wish not a big deal
I wanted to know not command where we were what was our stand
You kept being gentle I kept being sweet
We drifted apart clean and neat
Now you visit me unannounced and straight only in memories where the new me still waits...