How does it matter?

I rekindled my connection with a soul out of an inner calling to reach out. When Guruji trains us on spiritual path we are taught to try to be like our Guru, our God and think like Divinity. To be non judgemental and to treat each soul as equal and from the same source. If my Guru sees each soul as one then why can't I see everyone around as equal? In the sense of giving chances to the relationships and tap every bit of its potential. I contradict my own statement earlier that I have an inner circle and an outer one where I decide who gets close who gets my time who gets my company and at the same time I try to think and be like Divinity. There is a hitch here which I am going to ask Guruji. Because on one hand we are supposed to be non pretentious and see everyone with no filters and spectacles and on the other hand we also have to be selective and choose our compatible vibration and mingle with souls on a plane similar to ours.
Here the blueprint and freewill give me a tough choice to follow. Plus we are said to connect or come into each others life for a purpose. When do we know that a role is over? With death? With legal separation? With physical distance? What about the emotional bonds? Where does the longing and inner yearning lead us to? Are we falling pray to our humane attachments by rekindling old ties and holding on? Are we not embracing change and being in the now?
Am I playing it safe so that I get best from both the worlds??? What could be the reason that I can sense that my physical presence needs validation from people I yearn for? At one point my sadhana is regular, my Riyaz is super consistent , my Guru is happy. What more do I want? Yet I feel a void.... And the lack of higher purpose too. Would I end up being just born to lead a comfortably mediocre life and die without no real spiritual progress and karma warded?
These questions are scaring my breath off today. Maybe it's just the change of seasons. Maybe it's exhaustion... Maybe I need to call it a day. It's late and both my body and mind need rest. But the soul keeps the yearning alive.... Tirelessly...

Oh how I wish you would get it...
Of every minute that I have spent
Wanting to know
How it feels to be yours
A part of you
And a part of me
That we dreamt of
The days in the farm
The animals in the barn
And the babies we would have
Glistening in your eyes
Tears that refuse to stay
In proud oceans of satisfaction
Tightest hug ever
We made it , your arms say
And you tell me. -
It's your voice and I knew it would
I have won , you say...
Because you sang
And the melody plays in every beat of my heart
Our pulse now Ticks in sync
Our progeny.... musical and blissful
We rebuilt our empire
At a place where the space between two notes resides...

Silence and calm...
Peaceful serene full of joy
I can see happiness...
It's your eyes....

Atah kim?

Yesterday was so Dramatic. Gym went super well, Sir was duper se bhi uper happy which meant that next few days will be pushed with mad overload... Its funny why being happy for our progress doesn't quite help since we are expected to outdo our previous benchmark every next attempt that we try... 

Came back to again crashing on bed, this sleep wave is maybe a result of long period of deprivation. I had mentioned to Guruji about my concerns about rest and he must have worked out something energetically. I asked mom to come help me with Kanha since his fever had subsided by then and she came. But my evening went in consoling Maasi and Naani. 

My baby cousin bro. has had a series of heartbreaks which he always shares with me. However, this time the blow was complex and the plot very Filmy. I know just one side of the story and hence cant take sides even if he is my cousin. This is his 6 th time in love and pretty entangled. He owns a travel company and took a tour where there was a family with a young girl. The girl was engaged to a boy in her workplace and it was an out and out love marriage to be married in a few months. Now my baby bro and this girl hit it off in the tour and got connected , they started chatting and meeting and calling and it got serious in no time. The girl on the other hand started wedding preparations with her fiance as well as started going around and getting more involved with my cousin. Now 10 th Feb is the wedding day, its a destination wedding and she is already at the venue but constantly connected with my cousin telling him that she loves him. Now even my cousin is confused and wants to take his chance to claim his love. However neither the female nor my cousin are ready to face the consequences. This lead my cousin to go into his shell and he stopped talking to his mom and dad and my naani. They got tensed since they sensed something was wrong and  they called me. They know for sure that He shares everything with me and knew that I would know. 

Bad place to be in. Part of the evening was spent in calming my maasi, chacha and naani down. None of these are bothered about any customs and traditions. All favor love marriages and are liberal enough to embrace any 'bahu' as their own. Just that they were scared to bits thinking that my cousin might do something bad to himself. 

On the other hand my cousin kept messaging me to guide him about NOW WHAT??? from his friend's place. He had gone there for a nightout and get together, 

Catch situations are tough, uncalled for but necessary to handle... I was exhausted and asked everyone to hold on and wait till he returned back home today. 

I on the other hand took solace in Sadhana and followed it with singing riyaz, Again slept early. Was tempted to open up a book since I thought I had slept enough in the noon, but no.... I slept and boy what brilliant sleep. DREAMLESS... Thats how one must rest....in peace...

On the other hand I am super excited about the star gazing camp that I am going, Actually I always wanted to go alone or with friends , but god knows why this time Himanshu was keen on coming along. I was happy but then he added his whole office crew to the group. I am tad bit concerned that it might turn into his corporate outing.... Ewwww.... 

But I am happy as I would have AD around to make it all sensible and worth it. To be honest when Himanshu started adding more people to the booking my concerns were about gettting to go crazy and spend time with AD , there would be women and single women and AD being a single man would definitely connect with everyone with his usual charisma and charm. I was afraid and insecure of being deprived of company.... Himanshu would have his workmates and AD his women ofcourse... Then I laughed about it.... 

What was it all about at the end of the day? where did this cheap streak come from? Why did I want AD all for myself? I laughed it off in mind. Isnt all of it about being super brutally honest about our own feelings and completely authentic about what we feel and be okay with how we feel about someone. Love, affection, liking, attraction is all about purest form of inherent beings that we are supposed to be, Why does a J factor even come into picture? I am glad that I got aware and documented any possesive streak or feeling of ownership that peeped into my being. Just like I am one person sharing my physical self with one, time with another , emotions with yet another and friendship with someone and spirituality and a platonic connect with someone else, I am being foolish to limit them and their exclusivity to me. They may be equally mine as well as someone else's in full authenticity. 

When I say KANHA is not mine, I never owned him and never will. He is just through me. A complete different physical entity who has just used my womb as a medium to enter this physical world. It was a silly streak of my humanness and conditioning that I got bothered  with if I would be happy under the stars? Of everything in the world STARS which fascinate me as one of the most wonderful things in the universe.... why must I worry about being happy or getting company, attention or validation? Silly silly me.... 

Let AD be him and let Himanshu be him and let me be me.So with no expectations from anything living and a promise that I will let only the sky communicate, I close the stargazing chapter for good. Let the divine intervention make things happen as they are meant to be. My job is to be Present.

           SF has been trying to connect and message , and I am just replying with smileys. I know for sure that I will respond and speak when there is genuinely something to say. I will let this beautiful sleep abundance phase happen in full glory, I was amused to see some old pics of mine with double chin being liked by a friend. He said he found them cute. When I look back upon how inspite our standards of what we like as a generic personality in opposite sex is almost always or mostly diametrically different than our actual legal counterparts. Well, atleast in my case... I love Macho Alpha Males with Biceps beard moushes Guitar and all things which superconfirm testosteron. Himanshu is clean shaven , corporate, lean dude with mildness as his flavor. While Himanshu loves superthin women with tiny waists and long hair, I have always been stout and plump...

While I still continue to say that what lies in the HEAD , the Heart , the Being and the Soul always rules.... its just the physical contrast that amuses me. 

Another long day with class and rehearsal and sadhana and riyaz going on.... 

Yearning to write about dance.... Hope it incubates well to come out at the right time!

Diehard...

I loved
I lost
And
I found out
What love is
or maybe was
or probably will be
Now
I don't dare
I just am
Love

Marathons....

I have had movie marathons, shopping marathons, reading marathons, eating marathons....

Yesterday I had sleeping marathon. 2 hours in the noon and 8 hours at night made life better and calmer and as energetic as it can ever be... Last evening's class was packed as usual and full of work and creative satisfaction... I am amused at how Himanshu and I can chat the night away, we keep talking and laughing on nights mom and dad are home and Kanha sleeps with them. We must have talked till 1 at night... But I still remember the dream I had , it was about a borrowed shirt from one of my college mate Amruta, a sky blue jeans shirt.... the shirt was used as an overcoat by everyone and whenever we clicked a selfie , it did not show in the pic.... all of us tried wearing it...and there was some spooky horror story running in the dream and there was a lift in a wooden tower and a mossy stairway connecting a garden and a compound and a dark hallway. All jumbled up now.... I was tempted to note it down when I woke up to check up on Kanha. But though I would get alert and lose sleep.... super entertaining dream that I can't remember now :( 

I am feeling so happy of almost reaching towards the last stanza of a thumri that I am teaching in class.... finally a year where all of us are super comfortable with the pace of syllabus and rehearsals that are going on. 

Just now a very very old friend messaged me.... We used to be thick friends some 8-9 years back. I wanted to not reply or ignore his message until he immediately gave a call which I did pick. Its amazing to hear a voice I was used to hear long long back. I am glad he called , I am happy I spoke. It was a  very general random call to say hi and ask about some references regarding the styling assignments that I used to do for LIMEROAD.... 

He seemed nervous and hesitant to speak initially and asked me about some of our common friends. I hope this reconnection brings better light. Its a blessing to have your circle widen and thicken. Lots to share but guess my well rested body needs to go get some sunshine! until next post.... Live light!

More smiles...

Yesterday's shoe went well. It's great to put up a gig without getting emotionally involved with the nitty gritty of who when why how where ...
Just go , perform your best and come back to a blissful state of mind. Happy to get a personal feedback from audience backstage. People come , meet and Feel connected.... To what the see and hear.... You maybe in a different phase in a different time zone all together once you climb down the stairs, yet the people who ve experienced the music still carry it with them... That's the magic of the phenomena that stage is.   Then there are about a hundred immediate friend requests on FB... There are messenger pings wanting to connect. And if a few of them may come to know that a singer who sings a Gazal on stage with such filled up with romance and dard right upto the brim , may not be as emotional or sensitive in real life... They feel disappointed and many a times panic...
Yes all of us whether artists or not wear masks... We have a social mask, we have a performer mask , we have a parental mask, we have a childlike vulnerable self unmask, we have a student face, we have a lover phase, we have a brotherhood facet and much more.
We are more complex than we can imagine. The earlier we accept this the better sorted we become.
And it's not important to give importance to every damn thing in life. Let some things just be, and let many things go.... I am loving how February is flowing... Challenging in some ways smooth in some.
So I was supposed to go to Bhargava's for booking the keyboard, unfortunately they were closed and thanks to AD he insisted I must call them n check with them before I left for the purchase....
So that gave me some free time to go check on him. Poor AD was all down with chills and fever. Just the perfect time for comforting a dear friend . I loved to see the glee on his face and the aura turn all warm and cosy the minute he saw me.
We spoke about mountains, climbing, finances, new people we met in these days that we were far , cellular inflammation, ketosis, Rahul Gandhi, share market, madness and passion, diabetes, brinjals, hogging, chicken, butter, dinner,blues, leather, weather and sarees and acoustic Guitar (my weak point).
The reason I always mention about what I speak with AD is because both of us are on opposite poles and yet we connect brilliantly every single time... I am thrilled to bits that he is coming with my gang of 15 for Star gazing on 18 th. It is going to be a beautiful night :)
I believe a huge part of me is an inherent nurturer... I was sad that he was fasting and I couldn't feed him silly. Well pampering can go well beyond food and they were the most beautiful 90 mins of yesterday. (Yes even better than those on stage.)
I love how radically calm and joyfully blissful o become whenever I meet AD. I am glad I took the time off and saw him. I haven't checked if he is better today, but I know he and I reach out to each other just when we need to... May divinity bless him always. One of my best co-humans ever.... I will always pray for him.
Back home Kanha still down with fever yo-yoing between 100 and 103. Came down to make some hot stew for him and put up an alarm for every two hours throughout the night to check his temperature... I was dead tired and slept in seconds...
So a night full of fragmented sleep. I never heard the alarm even once which is extremely unlikely myself.... Himanshu woke me up and I checked temperature and administered medicines water and took him for the washroom...
But I still remember that I vividly dreamt about my chuddy buddy Gauri and Shahrukh khan with his son yesterday... I am not a Shahrukh fan at all. I mean I am okay with him but not I WON'T MISS HIS FILM EVER - kind of fanatic...
I was wearing a 'Gents vest' and was encouraged by Gauri to go find something for Shahrukh... Lol.... The place looked like dharavi and I was still a woman (hilarious to see myself in a gents vest running looking for I don't know what )
Gauri (my friend and not Shahrukh's wife kept an eye on Shahrukh's infant while Shahrukh seemed to open random things boxes n gutters to frantically search for Something...
Weird weird world... Gauri also gave me a weird very sexual look on my ass when I came back in the hut to drink some water.
She will beat me up if I tell her this.... ROFL...
I have No control over my dream and hence I was wondering if it was some kind of mixed doubles threesome act that followed pre or post that scene... Alas the alarm of 5.30 am rang... The dream left unrealised...
Today is a new day... Busy in the evening but taking it slow because of Kanha. He hadn't gone to school and is a quiet sleepy kid at home. I ll just be around and make him comfortable. Thank God Himanshu is home too... Work from home is a blessing in such times. Inspector K comes to say hi after class today at Parla. Never met him till today, we ve been acquaintances. He wanted to meet , I said hell why not! Meet a cop and see how it feels... Lol... Like I told a friend today on WhatsApp chat... I am not thinking about anything right now. I am just going with the flow. One moment at a time.
Happy week ahead.

Showtime!

So, today is the performance day. Last night was challenging since Kanha was running a temperature between 102-103 degrees and was talking in sleep. I was conscious to keep waking up every hour to check his temperature. He hates thermometer and it was quite a challenge to give him medicines in half sleep. I woke up pretty fresh though. Relaxed since I woke up, chilled out till now and will get going in a while. There is a list of things to be done , songs to be rehearsed once sadhana to be done since I couldn't wake up in the morn. There was someone in the morning who tried to bring the vibe down with bad energy. I blessed and ignored him. The faster he reaches out to Guruji and talks the better it is for him. I pity at his misery and suffering due to ignorant ways and  attachments to unimportant things in life. I am so much in tune with the divine plan and embrace every new change with full willingness... Thankfully I have great friends around who bring my spirits right up... Shawn made sure I regained my focus on today. Its beautiful that he understands when to let me be and when to barge in and take over. :) 

So the red saree and the works and the adornment will only help tonight if I sing equally well. I plan to go and see the Keyboard and buy it right away at Bhargava's tonight. I asked Himanshu if he was going to come with me to see, I guess he has his stuff. So like always, I dont wait.... for anything or anyone. If I want something, I go and get it. That's what I am going to do. And this means that I will start my training sooner than March. Makes me a happy girl. 

Can't wait to go star gazing that is booked for 18 th and 19 th , its going to be BEAUTIFUL.. and inspiring. 

And I forgot to mention about the SOLO trip I took the day before yesterday all across Mumbai streets all by myself to get lost in crowds and then find something on my way back... The uber pool makes me connect with strangers and drivers and start amazing conversations. I am intrigued by the cabbie who spoke about watching Ramayana on Jio and finding peace in city life far off from his family in Bihar, He also spoke about his working style, he wakes up when his eyes open gets ready and drives till he feels sleepy. Watches mythological serials in breaks. His life is so sorted and seemingly simple as he made it sound. He must be hardly 40. But so patient. He showed me how even customers are graded by the drivers and showed that I had a 4.9 rating... ROFL... The guy whom I was pooling with was a young lad of 26. He was living in a shared flat and was searching for a new home and was called in by MAGIC BRICKS, He constantly spoke with his friends in between the house hunting calls and listened and contributed to the gupshup I was having with the cabbie. On my way back the cabbie was almost 23-24 and listening to amazing gazal playlist. I was intrigued and asked him about how this choice? He said he finds Gazals peaceful to drive with playing along the background. It is a blessing to be non judgemental since otherwise I would be surprised and stamped him of having evolved taste. Who am I? NO one to stamp or label.... I spoke to him about Ghulam Ali, Talat, Pankaj Udas, Hariharan, Jagjit Singh and even Arijit... He had such well formed views about each voice... and in depth knowledge about their work...

Life is amazing.... A blessing!!! I am going to rock it today.... Happy Sunday!

Sensibly sensitive

It was 2 pm , I Blasted off a construction contractor chatting away loudly and joking his way to glory at noon in our building compound over the phone. It's not a question of tolerance. It's a question of why and how people bear with such atrocities.  My child is down with fever and I want undisturbed sleep for him and I am sure the retired residents and senior citizens in the colony must be resting as well.
I still wonder why no one raises their voice?
Just, yesterday I tried using the public ladies toilet @ranade road Dadar. A female climbing down the stairs of that Sulabh Shauchalaya spitted right near my foot as I was climbing up.
I stopped her I talked to her and told her to wake up... She must be 25... Why would people be so insensitive?
I ran towards a rickshaw which had a passenger throwing a bhel eaten paper outside... I told him that aap ko nahi lagta ki ghar jaise bahar bhi sab swaccha sundar dikhe?
I lend spare bags to so many people who shop alongside me at the market asking the subziwala for a separate plastic bag for each vegetable.
I have those net nylon fridge friendly zip bags with me which I always keep to segregate my greens. I always end up donating one as a sample to some plastic goddess beside me.
I am a sensory police... Not because I am intolerant. Just because I haven't closed my pores to the happenings around me.
I wash my fruits and veggies and then water the plants with that water...
A stopped a lady dragging her wailing child near our local garden. The little infant was covered in dust, tears, runny nose and sadness... Whatever the reason was... No human deserves to be dragged on the footpath... What could the baby have done? Been naughty? Been adamant? Thrown a tantrum?
Why such insensitive behaviour?

This may be miniscule in comparison to what many people are doing , however if each one of us starts, I am sure there will be a clean Revolution on the domestic front.
I pledge my friends around to start raising their voices against violence against their motherland and environment in their own small ways.

Graphs plunge, soar - thoughts roar!

I am over the moon that Steven has agreed to train me in western vocals from next month. I guess right people come into one's life when its meant to be. Whenever anything has pinched my wallet tight it has brought brilliant results. So be it, I am young and can work harder to fill whatever is needed... Sometimes the materialistic world scares me to hell. I never want a trip abroad , I never crave for 5 star dining.... But I feel its important to give your soul what it needs.... Education, learning, practice, wisdom and above all a chance to Experience.... all essential...

Yesterday Gym was nice! workout went well... post that It was a whirlwind afternoon since my thoughts circled around how I was going to independently manage the new phase without taking any help from anyone. I couldn't calm down. I am partially responsible  and rightly so for contributing towards one of the best schools in Mumbai that Kanha is enrolled in. But with Steven's expensive training coming into picture my square was shaking.... So I did what I had to do... Called my God. He gave me one of the best solutions for this and told me to act ASAP. I had butterflies in my stomach while I did what he told. Faith is faith. He asked me to always be confident about self worth and never underestimate. I am amazed at how impeccably amazing he can guide me towards any area in life, Personal, profesiional, financial, emotional, fitness, food .... anything....

He has been my go to Board in times high and low... Evening was super busy and packed with DANCE in class which I love. My body was sore from the morning routine and no rest but pulled through.

Sleeping in a sore body is a blessing only some people who will understand. Yesterday night was probably one of the most peaceful sleeping nights I ve had in a while. I forgot to put the alarm somehow and thankfully woke up just at the right time. Just that the way in which he woke me up was brutal. Loudly banging on the bedroom door he blurts angrily WHATS THE TIME?

I was scared to hell and almost shitted in my pants when I heard the sudden sound. I got up with a pounding heart not knowing where I was and what was wrong. The second I realized what had happened , I rushed to wake cubby up and gathered my wits. Brush and toothpaste shaking in my hands it took some time to coordinate.... I came back to bed sat down as my feet were trembling. I had heard of sudden sleep jolt paralysis... This was it. I asked Himanshu to take over for sometime till I was okay. I am amazed at how Inhuman some humans can be specially when interacting with their own children. I had woken up late for heavens sake and NOT MURDERED ANYONE.

Well, things happen and then things happen. Some people never change. Once an unfathered ORPHAN maybe will stay so for life. I forgive his soul for the harm he caused today and the damage to my resting self. No I dont deserve this, but I guess it was a lesson to make peace with some facts in life, I maybe had come to believe that after all the toxicity from my birth till today, he must have finished and done with his quota of sadistic behavior, Nope, Prajakta, learn to not expect anything even when its a question of life or death.

I have written about him earlier in a post where I thought I was done with my side of finger pointing. I am mere a human and I understand that I have such a long way to go when it comes to facing some challenges life puts forth. But I am ready and mighty ready to go many more transformations ahead. Guruji says there will be a day when one starts thinking like DIVINITY. thats the day of GOD REALIZATION. I so believe him. But I know I am still not over the Father chapter in life and I came to know of it yesterday since I still feel the pain the hurt with his hateful behavior. Phew that was a lot of Junk coming out, Has to... or else I wont grow.

I was exceptionally quiet today in the gym. My body sore and my mind shaken I went to the gym. I was expecting a simple cardio routine. Vinod Sir said FUNCTIONAL. I thought to myself body ache ke maa ki aankh I ll nail this. Without thinking HOW, I trusted him and just kept following his instructions. 90 mins down I was the happiest Girl in the city. Every mood has just one answer WORKOUT.

I met a 'burkha clad' Shazia on my way back who used to workout with my previous trainer along with me. She asked 'haay , workout band kiya kya? kitne mote ho gaye???'

Me, 'Hi, main hafte mein 6 baar aati hoon, acchi chal rahi hai training'

Shazia, 'Aapki taange acchi lag rahi hai par aap ka upper body itna broad kaise ho gaya?'

To which I replied , 'Shazia, main khush hoon.'

Shazia, 'arey nahi aapke arms mujhe bohot mote lag rahe hai, aap itni MOTI nahi thi...'

Me, 'shukriya (smiling) ,aap kaisi hai?'

Shazia, ' Dekho na kitni moti ho gayi hoon. Pura saal break liya. abhi kuch kam karne ki koshish hai. Aap ko kitna kam karna hai? '

Me, 'mujhe aaise hi khush rehna hai Shazia. phir milenge'

Shazia, 'Suno , Prajakta...kaun train kar raha hai tumhe?'

Me, 'Vinod Sir.'

Shazia, 'Oh, lucky ho gents se training karva sakti ho na.... hum nahi karva sakte. Waise hai kaise Sir? accha karwaate hai?'

Me, (smiling) 'Bye Shazia, aapna khayal rakhna'

I wont lie, I wondered what would it be to say EFF off to her or maybe tell her that one does't go that deep in shit or maybe ask her why was she being judgemental?

The above incident must give rise to two things, SELF DOUBT or PEACE. I think I am somewhere in between but a tad bit closer to self doubt. I am honestly very happy with myself and know thats what matters. But then I am worried that not all people can see happiness but weight in volumes of FAT in body. May be I am not as evolved as I though I am. Maybe I am not working hard enough. Maybe I must grind my ass more. Would getting in the stereotypical shape make me more happy then the Fit Fat combination that I dwell in? Who calls anyone FAT? any why? I must begin to ask and start answering myself these questions.

How important is physical validation for me to lead a happier life? If it is , how far will I go to achieve it? - point to ponder for the rest of the day!