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Thursday, February 2, 2017

Graphs plunge, soar - thoughts roar!

I am over the moon that Steven has agreed to train me in western vocals from next month. I guess right people come into one's life when its meant to be. Whenever anything has pinched my wallet tight it has brought brilliant results. So be it, I am young and can work harder to fill whatever is needed... Sometimes the materialistic world scares me to hell. I never want a trip abroad , I never crave for 5 star dining.... But I feel its important to give your soul what it needs.... Education, learning, practice, wisdom and above all a chance to Experience.... all essential...
Yesterday Gym was nice! workout went well... post that It was a whirlwind afternoon since my thoughts circled around how I was going to independently manage the new phase without taking any help from anyone. I couldn't calm down. I am partially responsible  and rightly so for contributing towards one of the best schools in Mumbai that Kanha is enrolled in. But with Steven's expensive training coming into picture my square was shaking.... So I did what I had to do... Called my God. He gave me one of the best solutions for this and told me to act ASAP. I had butterflies in my stomach while I did what he told. Faith is faith. He asked me to always be confident about self worth and never underestimate. I am amazed at how impeccably amazing he can guide me towards any area in life, Personal, profesiional, financial, emotional, fitness, food .... anything....
He has been my go to Board in times high and low... Evening was super busy and packed with DANCE in class which I love. My body was sore from the morning routine and no rest but pulled through.
Sleeping in a sore body is a blessing only some people who will understand. Yesterday night was probably one of the most peaceful sleeping nights I ve had in a while. I forgot to put the alarm somehow and thankfully woke up just at the right time. Just that the way in which he woke me up was brutal. Loudly banging on the bedroom door he blurts angrily WHATS THE TIME?
I was scared to hell and almost shitted in my pants when I heard the sudden sound. I got up with a pounding heart not knowing where I was and what was wrong. The second I realized what had happened , I rushed to wake cubby up and gathered my wits. Brush and toothpaste shaking in my hands it took some time to coordinate.... I came back to bed sat down as my feet were trembling. I had heard of sudden sleep jolt paralysis... This was it. I asked Himanshu to take over for sometime till I was okay. I am amazed at how Inhuman some humans can be specially when interacting with their own children. I had woken up late for heavens sake and NOT MURDERED ANYONE.
Well, things happen and then things happen. Some people never change. Once an unfathered ORPHAN maybe will stay so for life. I forgive his soul for the harm he caused today and the damage to my resting self. No I dont deserve this, but I guess it was a lesson to make peace with some facts in life, I maybe had come to believe that after all the toxicity from my birth till today, he must have finished and done with his quota of sadistic behavior, Nope, Prajakta, learn to not expect anything even when its a question of life or death.
I have written about him earlier in a post where I thought I was done with my side of finger pointing. I am mere a human and I understand that I have such a long way to go when it comes to facing some challenges life puts forth. But I am ready and mighty ready to go many more transformations ahead. Guruji says there will be a day when one starts thinking like DIVINITY. thats the day of GOD REALIZATION. I so believe him. But I know I am still not over the Father chapter in life and I came to know of it yesterday since I still feel the pain the hurt with his hateful behavior. Phew that was a lot of Junk coming out, Has to... or else I wont grow.
I was exceptionally quiet today in the gym. My body sore and my mind shaken I went to the gym. I was expecting a simple cardio routine. Vinod Sir said FUNCTIONAL. I thought to myself body ache ke maa ki aankh I ll nail this. Without thinking HOW, I trusted him and just kept following his instructions. 90 mins down I was the happiest Girl in the city. Every mood has just one answer WORKOUT.
I met a 'burkha clad' Shazia on my way back who used to workout with my previous trainer along with me. She asked 'haay , workout band kiya kya? kitne mote ho gaye???'
Me, 'Hi, main hafte mein 6 baar aati hoon, acchi chal rahi hai training'
Shazia, 'Aapki taange acchi lag rahi hai par aap ka upper body itna broad kaise ho gaya?'
To which I replied , 'Shazia, main khush hoon.'
Shazia, 'arey nahi aapke arms mujhe bohot mote lag rahe hai, aap itni MOTI nahi thi...'
Me, 'shukriya (smiling) ,aap kaisi hai?'
Shazia, ' Dekho na kitni moti ho gayi hoon. Pura saal break liya. abhi kuch kam karne ki koshish hai. Aap ko kitna kam karna hai? '
Me, 'mujhe aaise hi khush rehna hai Shazia. phir milenge'
Shazia, 'Suno , Prajakta...kaun train kar raha hai tumhe?'
Me, 'Vinod Sir.'
Shazia, 'Oh, lucky ho gents se training karva sakti ho na.... hum nahi karva sakte. Waise hai kaise Sir? accha karwaate hai?'
Me, (smiling) 'Bye Shazia, aapna khayal rakhna'
I wont lie, I wondered what would it be to say EFF off to her or maybe tell her that one does't go that deep in shit or maybe ask her why was she being judgemental?
The above incident must give rise to two things, SELF DOUBT or PEACE. I think I am somewhere in between but a tad bit closer to self doubt. I am honestly very happy with myself and know thats what matters. But then I am worried that not all people can see happiness but weight in volumes of FAT in body. May be I am not as evolved as I though I am. Maybe I am not working hard enough. Maybe I must grind my ass more. Would getting in the stereotypical shape make me more happy then the Fit Fat combination that I dwell in? Who calls anyone FAT? any why? I must begin to ask and start answering myself these questions.

How important is physical validation for me to lead a happier life? If it is , how far will I go to achieve it? - point to ponder for the rest of the day!


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