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Sunday, March 19, 2017

A spoonful Of Relief

I've written many posts on parenting till now. The experience of being a Parent is such an eye opener and many times we find ourselves split in teams.
Offsprings are evolved and upgraded miniature versions of strong personalities for sure.
Parents here are the primary care providers and first circle guardians of the kid spending most time of the week/weekend together.
Sometimes it's Kid/s Vs Us.
Or it's Us Vs Us as a sub team of one grand parent Vs a biological first parent
or more often than not it's kid Vs himself/herself since he or she isn't matured enough to understand that the thing he/she is doing at that time is quiet other than anything that's of best interest to him or her.
Well, to be honest the teams are many times inevitable occurrences as a part of the growth of the Parent-Kid/s team.
Enough of preamble, I have been trying to get Kanha to eat by himself and this he temperamentally detests.
He likes being fed and this is a fact which has no basis of any disability to feed himself.
I started with simple cut foods that do not need use of touch (read eating with hands)
So bananas cut in slices to be eaten with a fork was the first step.
Slowly it went on to omlette or Chillas or Idlis for breakfast being cut and eaten with fork...
Then it came down to eating with a spoon , dal rice/ poha/ upma etc...
He threw tantrums , had melt downs , he threatened to not eat and even walk out...
This downright refusal was responded with a constant please eat first then we will talk.
 He tried negotiations which were not entertained.
Detached clinical outlook and no winning losing streak is practiced...
You eat like this or you stay hungry...
He also tried the latter but soon realised that he also wants to eat... And the option was just eating on his own...
He got hungrier and more agitated however this was one of those situations where it was not going to be a power play or an ego polish but in fact going to be a bench mark in deciding what is an essential part of being reasonably independent.
This I had to do without comparison with his peers since I believe every child is unique and will have different times situations environment and parameters to his growing persona and independence.
I as a parent had decided it was time to slowly wean him off being hand fed.
So first it was breakfast at home.
Then it has come to breakfast and another important meal (spoon eatable)
 He is still being fed some motor advanced meals like roti and sabzi...
He expressed his anger by saying he doesn't like me and that he is shifting to his grandparents house for good.
The important part was to play a role of a compassionate co participant by acknowledging that , 'I know that you are not feeling good about this , however it is important to be able to feed ourself.'
He asked me reasons and he was given reasons.
He asked for rewards and without countering I gently prodded his attention over all the things that he is allowed to do when he knows his quota for the day is done.
He asked, "Aai, tell me what do you do for me that I must do all this for you?"
To which my reply was ," you are doing this for yourself and You have to tell me what all I do for you because you are so observant and i love the fact that you think and know a lot. "
He was taken aback by this response. I knew he was craving to get a Reaction to spin the loop and go full blown into a temper fit.
But he knew from my stance that come what may his mom (team opp.) wasn't going to budge.
He tried pursuing his grandparents and His mommy gently asked them to stay calm and not speak till he has finished.
He tried calling his Dad and his dad said We will do what mom says and then we can talk when i return from office.
And so.... When everything failed , he asked me to sit in one room and not look at him. He asked his grandparents to go in another room and asked them to not come out...
Now it was a question of conquest of stubbornness Vs disciple.
A few hours down the line, slow spoons of Dal rice down his gut and buckets of tears down his eyes...
Finally a bowl was empty
A tiny stomach full
A mother grinning with relief
And a primary schooler happily watching his reward cartoon on I-pad.
Small victories of parenting are worth celebrating.
This episode repeats on a loop mode till the kid takes it on autopilot mode...
There are still many more meals to go, roti and phulkas to be fed and encouraged to be eaten with hands...
Then making him clean his own poo poo is on my next to do list.....
Donning many hats , this by far has been one of the most unpredictable one and nothing in the world , not even practise can make me perfect in being a parent.
It's a constant ongoing process of learning to be a team .... And keep playing...
- Prajakta Sathe

Thursday, February 9, 2017

How does it matter?

I rekindled my connection with a soul out of an inner calling to reach out. When Guruji trains us on spiritual path we are taught to try to be like our Guru, our God and think like Divinity. To be non judgemental and to treat each soul as equal and from the same source. If my Guru sees each soul as one then why can't I see everyone around as equal? In the sense of giving chances to the relationships and tap every bit of its potential. I contradict my own statement earlier that I have an inner circle and an outer one where I decide who gets close who gets my time who gets my company and at the same time I try to think and be like Divinity. There is a hitch here which I am going to ask Guruji. Because on one hand we are supposed to be non pretentious and see everyone with no filters and spectacles and on the other hand we also have to be selective and choose our compatible vibration and mingle with souls on a plane similar to ours.
Here the blueprint and freewill give me a tough choice to follow. Plus we are said to connect or come into each others life for a purpose. When do we know that a role is over? With death? With legal separation? With physical distance? What about the emotional bonds? Where does the longing and inner yearning lead us to? Are we falling pray to our humane attachments by rekindling old ties and holding on? Are we not embracing change and being in the now?
Am I playing it safe so that I get best from both the worlds??? What could be the reason that I can sense that my physical presence needs validation from people I yearn for? At one point my sadhana is regular, my Riyaz is super consistent , my Guru is happy. What more do I want? Yet I feel a void.... And the lack of higher purpose too. Would I end up being just born to lead a comfortably mediocre life and die without no real spiritual progress and karma warded?
These questions are scaring my breath off today. Maybe it's just the change of seasons. Maybe it's exhaustion... Maybe I need to call it a day. It's late and both my body and mind need rest. But the soul keeps the yearning alive.... Tirelessly...
Oh how I wish you would get it...
Of every minute that I have spent
Wanting to know
How it feels to be yours
A part of you
And a part of me
That we dreamt of
The days in the farm
The animals in the barn
And the babies we would have
Glistening in your eyes
Tears that refuse to stay
In proud oceans of satisfaction
Tightest hug ever
We made it , your arms say
And you tell me. -
It's your voice and I knew it would
I have won , you say...
Because you sang
And the melody plays in every beat of my heart
Our pulse now Ticks in sync
Our progeny.... musical and blissful
We rebuilt our empire
At a place where the space between two notes resides...
Silence and calm...
Peaceful serene full of joy
I can see happiness...
It's your eyes....

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Atah kim?

Yesterday was so Dramatic. Gym went super well, Sir was duper se bhi uper happy which meant that next few days will be pushed with mad overload... Its funny why being happy for our progress doesn't quite help since we are expected to outdo our previous benchmark every next attempt that we try... 
Came back to again crashing on bed, this sleep wave is maybe a result of long period of deprivation. I had mentioned to Guruji about my concerns about rest and he must have worked out something energetically. I asked mom to come help me with Kanha since his fever had subsided by then and she came. But my evening went in consoling Maasi and Naani. 
My baby cousin bro. has had a series of heartbreaks which he always shares with me. However, this time the blow was complex and the plot very Filmy. I know just one side of the story and hence cant take sides even if he is my cousin. This is his 6 th time in love and pretty entangled. He owns a travel company and took a tour where there was a family with a young girl. The girl was engaged to a boy in her workplace and it was an out and out love marriage to be married in a few months. Now my baby bro and this girl hit it off in the tour and got connected , they started chatting and meeting and calling and it got serious in no time. The girl on the other hand started wedding preparations with her fiance as well as started going around and getting more involved with my cousin. Now 10 th Feb is the wedding day, its a destination wedding and she is already at the venue but constantly connected with my cousin telling him that she loves him. Now even my cousin is confused and wants to take his chance to claim his love. However neither the female nor my cousin are ready to face the consequences. This lead my cousin to go into his shell and he stopped talking to his mom and dad and my naani. They got tensed since they sensed something was wrong and  they called me. They know for sure that He shares everything with me and knew that I would know. 
Bad place to be in. Part of the evening was spent in calming my maasi, chacha and naani down. None of these are bothered about any customs and traditions. All favor love marriages and are liberal enough to embrace any 'bahu' as their own. Just that they were scared to bits thinking that my cousin might do something bad to himself. 
On the other hand my cousin kept messaging me to guide him about NOW WHAT??? from his friend's place. He had gone there for a nightout and get together, 
Catch situations are tough, uncalled for but necessary to handle... I was exhausted and asked everyone to hold on and wait till he returned back home today. 
I on the other hand took solace in Sadhana and followed it with singing riyaz, Again slept early. Was tempted to open up a book since I thought I had slept enough in the noon, but no.... I slept and boy what brilliant sleep. DREAMLESS... Thats how one must peace...

On the other hand I am super excited about the star gazing camp that I am going, Actually I always wanted to go alone or with friends , but god knows why this time Himanshu was keen on coming along. I was happy but then he added his whole office crew to the group. I am tad bit concerned that it might turn into his corporate outing.... Ewwww.... 
But I am happy as I would have AD around to make it all sensible and worth it. To be honest when Himanshu started adding more people to the booking my concerns were about gettting to go crazy and spend time with AD , there would be women and single women and AD being a single man would definitely connect with everyone with his usual charisma and charm. I was afraid and insecure of being deprived of company.... Himanshu would have his workmates and AD his women ofcourse... Then I laughed about it.... 
What was it all about at the end of the day? where did this cheap streak come from? Why did I want AD all for myself? I laughed it off in mind. Isnt all of it about being super brutally honest about our own feelings and completely authentic about what we feel and be okay with how we feel about someone. Love, affection, liking, attraction is all about purest form of inherent beings that we are supposed to be, Why does a J factor even come into picture? I am glad that I got aware and documented any possesive streak or feeling of ownership that peeped into my being. Just like I am one person sharing my physical self with one, time with another , emotions with yet another and friendship with someone and spirituality and a platonic connect with someone else, I am being foolish to limit them and their exclusivity to me. They may be equally mine as well as someone else's in full authenticity. 
When I say KANHA is not mine, I never owned him and never will. He is just through me. A complete different physical entity who has just used my womb as a medium to enter this physical world. It was a silly streak of my humanness and conditioning that I got bothered  with if I would be happy under the stars? Of everything in the world STARS which fascinate me as one of the most wonderful things in the universe.... why must I worry about being happy or getting company, attention or validation? Silly silly me.... 
Let AD be him and let Himanshu be him and let me be me.So with no expectations from anything living and a promise that I will let only the sky communicate, I close the stargazing chapter for good. Let the divine intervention make things happen as they are meant to be. My job is to be Present.
           SF has been trying to connect and message , and I am just replying with smileys. I know for sure that I will respond and speak when there is genuinely something to say. I will let this beautiful sleep abundance phase happen in full glory, I was amused to see some old pics of mine with double chin being liked by a friend. He said he found them cute. When I look back upon how inspite our standards of what we like as a generic personality in opposite sex is almost always or mostly diametrically different than our actual legal counterparts. Well, atleast in my case... I love Macho Alpha Males with Biceps beard moushes Guitar and all things which superconfirm testosteron. Himanshu is clean shaven , corporate, lean dude with mildness as his flavor. While Himanshu loves superthin women with tiny waists and long hair, I have always been stout and plump...
While I still continue to say that what lies in the HEAD , the Heart , the Being and the Soul always rules.... its just the physical contrast that amuses me. 
Another long day with class and rehearsal and sadhana and riyaz going on.... 
Yearning to write about dance.... Hope it incubates well to come out at the right time!


I loved
I lost
I found out
What love is
or maybe was
or probably will be
I don't dare
I just am

Monday, February 6, 2017


I have had movie marathons, shopping marathons, reading marathons, eating marathons....
Yesterday I had sleeping marathon. 2 hours in the noon and 8 hours at night made life better and calmer and as energetic as it can ever be... Last evening's class was packed as usual and full of work and creative satisfaction... I am amused at how Himanshu and I can chat the night away, we keep talking and laughing on nights mom and dad are home and Kanha sleeps with them. We must have talked till 1 at night... But I still remember the dream I had , it was about a borrowed shirt from one of my college mate Amruta, a sky blue jeans shirt.... the shirt was used as an overcoat by everyone and whenever we clicked a selfie , it did not show in the pic.... all of us tried wearing it...and there was some spooky horror story running in the dream and there was a lift in a wooden tower and a mossy stairway connecting a garden and a compound and a dark hallway. All jumbled up now.... I was tempted to note it down when I woke up to check up on Kanha. But though I would get alert and lose sleep.... super entertaining dream that I can't remember now :( 
I am feeling so happy of almost reaching towards the last stanza of a thumri that I am teaching in class.... finally a year where all of us are super comfortable with the pace of syllabus and rehearsals that are going on. 
Just now a very very old friend messaged me.... We used to be thick friends some 8-9 years back. I wanted to not reply or ignore his message until he immediately gave a call which I did pick. Its amazing to hear a voice I was used to hear long long back. I am glad he called , I am happy I spoke. It was a  very general random call to say hi and ask about some references regarding the styling assignments that I used to do for LIMEROAD.... 
He seemed nervous and hesitant to speak initially and asked me about some of our common friends. I hope this reconnection brings better light. Its a blessing to have your circle widen and thicken. Lots to share but guess my well rested body needs to go get some sunshine! until next post.... Live light!

Sunday, February 5, 2017

More smiles...

Yesterday's shoe went well. It's great to put up a gig without getting emotionally involved with the nitty gritty of who when why how where ...
Just go , perform your best and come back to a blissful state of mind. Happy to get a personal feedback from audience backstage. People come , meet and Feel connected.... To what the see and hear.... You maybe in a different phase in a different time zone all together once you climb down the stairs, yet the people who ve experienced the music still carry it with them... That's the magic of the phenomena that stage is.   Then there are about a hundred immediate friend requests on FB... There are messenger pings wanting to connect. And if a few of them may come to know that a singer who sings a Gazal on stage with such filled up with romance and dard right upto the brim , may not be as emotional or sensitive in real life... They feel disappointed and many a times panic...
Yes all of us whether artists or not wear masks... We have a social mask, we have a performer mask , we have a parental mask, we have a childlike vulnerable self unmask, we have a student face, we have a lover phase, we have a brotherhood facet and much more.
We are more complex than we can imagine. The earlier we accept this the better sorted we become.
And it's not important to give importance to every damn thing in life. Let some things just be, and let many things go.... I am loving how February is flowing... Challenging in some ways smooth in some.
So I was supposed to go to Bhargava's for booking the keyboard, unfortunately they were closed and thanks to AD he insisted I must call them n check with them before I left for the purchase....
So that gave me some free time to go check on him. Poor AD was all down with chills and fever. Just the perfect time for comforting a dear friend . I loved to see the glee on his face and the aura turn all warm and cosy the minute he saw me.
We spoke about mountains, climbing, finances, new people we met in these days that we were far , cellular inflammation, ketosis, Rahul Gandhi, share market, madness and passion, diabetes, brinjals, hogging, chicken, butter, dinner,blues, leather, weather and sarees and acoustic Guitar (my weak point).
The reason I always mention about what I speak with AD is because both of us are on opposite poles and yet we connect brilliantly every single time... I am thrilled to bits that he is coming with my gang of 15 for Star gazing on 18 th. It is going to be a beautiful night :)
I believe a huge part of me is an inherent nurturer... I was sad that he was fasting and I couldn't feed him silly. Well pampering can go well beyond food and they were the most beautiful 90 mins of yesterday. (Yes even better than those on stage.)
I love how radically calm and joyfully blissful o become whenever I meet AD. I am glad I took the time off and saw him. I haven't checked if he is better today, but I know he and I reach out to each other just when we need to... May divinity bless him always. One of my best co-humans ever.... I will always pray for him.
Back home Kanha still down with fever yo-yoing between 100 and 103. Came down to make some hot stew for him and put up an alarm for every two hours throughout the night to check his temperature... I was dead tired and slept in seconds...
So a night full of fragmented sleep. I never heard the alarm even once which is extremely unlikely myself.... Himanshu woke me up and I checked temperature and administered medicines water and took him for the washroom...
But I still remember that I vividly dreamt about my chuddy buddy Gauri and Shahrukh khan with his son yesterday... I am not a Shahrukh fan at all. I mean I am okay with him but not I WON'T MISS HIS FILM EVER - kind of fanatic...
I was wearing a 'Gents vest' and was encouraged by Gauri to go find something for Shahrukh... Lol.... The place looked like dharavi and I was still a woman (hilarious to see myself in a gents vest running looking for I don't know what )
Gauri (my friend and not Shahrukh's wife kept an eye on Shahrukh's infant while Shahrukh seemed to open random things boxes n gutters to frantically search for Something...
Weird weird world... Gauri also gave me a weird very sexual look on my ass when I came back in the hut to drink some water.
She will beat me up if I tell her this.... ROFL...
I have No control over my dream and hence I was wondering if it was some kind of mixed doubles threesome act that followed pre or post that scene... Alas the alarm of 5.30 am rang... The dream left unrealised...
Today is a new day... Busy in the evening but taking it slow because of Kanha. He hadn't gone to school and is a quiet sleepy kid at home. I ll just be around and make him comfortable. Thank God Himanshu is home too... Work from home is a blessing in such times. Inspector K comes to say hi after class today at Parla. Never met him till today, we ve been acquaintances. He wanted to meet , I said hell why not! Meet a cop and see how it feels... Lol... Like I told a friend today on WhatsApp chat... I am not thinking about anything right now. I am just going with the flow. One moment at a time.
Happy week ahead.

Saturday, February 4, 2017


So, today is the performance day. Last night was challenging since Kanha was running a temperature between 102-103 degrees and was talking in sleep. I was conscious to keep waking up every hour to check his temperature. He hates thermometer and it was quite a challenge to give him medicines in half sleep. I woke up pretty fresh though. Relaxed since I woke up, chilled out till now and will get going in a while. There is a list of things to be done , songs to be rehearsed once sadhana to be done since I couldn't wake up in the morn. There was someone in the morning who tried to bring the vibe down with bad energy. I blessed and ignored him. The faster he reaches out to Guruji and talks the better it is for him. I pity at his misery and suffering due to ignorant ways and  attachments to unimportant things in life. I am so much in tune with the divine plan and embrace every new change with full willingness... Thankfully I have great friends around who bring my spirits right up... Shawn made sure I regained my focus on today. Its beautiful that he understands when to let me be and when to barge in and take over. :) 
So the red saree and the works and the adornment will only help tonight if I sing equally well. I plan to go and see the Keyboard and buy it right away at Bhargava's tonight. I asked Himanshu if he was going to come with me to see, I guess he has his stuff. So like always, I dont wait.... for anything or anyone. If I want something, I go and get it. That's what I am going to do. And this means that I will start my training sooner than March. Makes me a happy girl. 
Can't wait to go star gazing that is booked for 18 th and 19 th , its going to be BEAUTIFUL.. and inspiring. 
And I forgot to mention about the SOLO trip I took the day before yesterday all across Mumbai streets all by myself to get lost in crowds and then find something on my way back... The uber pool makes me connect with strangers and drivers and start amazing conversations. I am intrigued by the cabbie who spoke about watching Ramayana on Jio and finding peace in city life far off from his family in Bihar, He also spoke about his working style, he wakes up when his eyes open gets ready and drives till he feels sleepy. Watches mythological serials in breaks. His life is so sorted and seemingly simple as he made it sound. He must be hardly 40. But so patient. He showed me how even customers are graded by the drivers and showed that I had a 4.9 rating... ROFL... The guy whom I was pooling with was a young lad of 26. He was living in a shared flat and was searching for a new home and was called in by MAGIC BRICKS, He constantly spoke with his friends in between the house hunting calls and listened and contributed to the gupshup I was having with the cabbie. On my way back the cabbie was almost 23-24 and listening to amazing gazal playlist. I was intrigued and asked him about how this choice? He said he finds Gazals peaceful to drive with playing along the background. It is a blessing to be non judgemental since otherwise I would be surprised and stamped him of having evolved taste. Who am I? NO one to stamp or label.... I spoke to him about Ghulam Ali, Talat, Pankaj Udas, Hariharan, Jagjit Singh and even Arijit... He had such well formed views about each voice... and in depth knowledge about their work...
Life is amazing.... A blessing!!! I am going to rock it today.... Happy Sunday!

Sensibly sensitive

It was 2 pm , I Blasted off a construction contractor chatting away loudly and joking his way to glory at noon in our building compound over the phone. It's not a question of tolerance. It's a question of why and how people bear with such atrocities.  My child is down with fever and I want undisturbed sleep for him and I am sure the retired residents and senior citizens in the colony must be resting as well.
I still wonder why no one raises their voice?
Just, yesterday I tried using the public ladies toilet @ranade road Dadar. A female climbing down the stairs of that Sulabh Shauchalaya spitted right near my foot as I was climbing up.
I stopped her I talked to her and told her to wake up... She must be 25... Why would people be so insensitive?
I ran towards a rickshaw which had a passenger throwing a bhel eaten paper outside... I told him that aap ko nahi lagta ki ghar jaise bahar bhi sab swaccha sundar dikhe?
I lend spare bags to so many people who shop alongside me at the market asking the subziwala for a separate plastic bag for each vegetable.
I have those net nylon fridge friendly zip bags with me which I always keep to segregate my greens. I always end up donating one as a sample to some plastic goddess beside me.
I am a sensory police... Not because I am intolerant. Just because I haven't closed my pores to the happenings around me.
I wash my fruits and veggies and then water the plants with that water...
A stopped a lady dragging her wailing child near our local garden. The little infant was covered in dust, tears, runny nose and sadness... Whatever the reason was... No human deserves to be dragged on the footpath... What could the baby have done? Been naughty? Been adamant? Thrown a tantrum?
Why such insensitive behaviour?

This may be miniscule in comparison to what many people are doing , however if each one of us starts, I am sure there will be a clean Revolution on the domestic front.
I pledge my friends around to start raising their voices against violence against their motherland and environment in their own small ways.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Graphs plunge, soar - thoughts roar!

I am over the moon that Steven has agreed to train me in western vocals from next month. I guess right people come into one's life when its meant to be. Whenever anything has pinched my wallet tight it has brought brilliant results. So be it, I am young and can work harder to fill whatever is needed... Sometimes the materialistic world scares me to hell. I never want a trip abroad , I never crave for 5 star dining.... But I feel its important to give your soul what it needs.... Education, learning, practice, wisdom and above all a chance to Experience.... all essential...
Yesterday Gym was nice! workout went well... post that It was a whirlwind afternoon since my thoughts circled around how I was going to independently manage the new phase without taking any help from anyone. I couldn't calm down. I am partially responsible  and rightly so for contributing towards one of the best schools in Mumbai that Kanha is enrolled in. But with Steven's expensive training coming into picture my square was shaking.... So I did what I had to do... Called my God. He gave me one of the best solutions for this and told me to act ASAP. I had butterflies in my stomach while I did what he told. Faith is faith. He asked me to always be confident about self worth and never underestimate. I am amazed at how impeccably amazing he can guide me towards any area in life, Personal, profesiional, financial, emotional, fitness, food .... anything....
He has been my go to Board in times high and low... Evening was super busy and packed with DANCE in class which I love. My body was sore from the morning routine and no rest but pulled through.
Sleeping in a sore body is a blessing only some people who will understand. Yesterday night was probably one of the most peaceful sleeping nights I ve had in a while. I forgot to put the alarm somehow and thankfully woke up just at the right time. Just that the way in which he woke me up was brutal. Loudly banging on the bedroom door he blurts angrily WHATS THE TIME?
I was scared to hell and almost shitted in my pants when I heard the sudden sound. I got up with a pounding heart not knowing where I was and what was wrong. The second I realized what had happened , I rushed to wake cubby up and gathered my wits. Brush and toothpaste shaking in my hands it took some time to coordinate.... I came back to bed sat down as my feet were trembling. I had heard of sudden sleep jolt paralysis... This was it. I asked Himanshu to take over for sometime till I was okay. I am amazed at how Inhuman some humans can be specially when interacting with their own children. I had woken up late for heavens sake and NOT MURDERED ANYONE.
Well, things happen and then things happen. Some people never change. Once an unfathered ORPHAN maybe will stay so for life. I forgive his soul for the harm he caused today and the damage to my resting self. No I dont deserve this, but I guess it was a lesson to make peace with some facts in life, I maybe had come to believe that after all the toxicity from my birth till today, he must have finished and done with his quota of sadistic behavior, Nope, Prajakta, learn to not expect anything even when its a question of life or death.
I have written about him earlier in a post where I thought I was done with my side of finger pointing. I am mere a human and I understand that I have such a long way to go when it comes to facing some challenges life puts forth. But I am ready and mighty ready to go many more transformations ahead. Guruji says there will be a day when one starts thinking like DIVINITY. thats the day of GOD REALIZATION. I so believe him. But I know I am still not over the Father chapter in life and I came to know of it yesterday since I still feel the pain the hurt with his hateful behavior. Phew that was a lot of Junk coming out, Has to... or else I wont grow.
I was exceptionally quiet today in the gym. My body sore and my mind shaken I went to the gym. I was expecting a simple cardio routine. Vinod Sir said FUNCTIONAL. I thought to myself body ache ke maa ki aankh I ll nail this. Without thinking HOW, I trusted him and just kept following his instructions. 90 mins down I was the happiest Girl in the city. Every mood has just one answer WORKOUT.
I met a 'burkha clad' Shazia on my way back who used to workout with my previous trainer along with me. She asked 'haay , workout band kiya kya? kitne mote ho gaye???'
Me, 'Hi, main hafte mein 6 baar aati hoon, acchi chal rahi hai training'
Shazia, 'Aapki taange acchi lag rahi hai par aap ka upper body itna broad kaise ho gaya?'
To which I replied , 'Shazia, main khush hoon.'
Shazia, 'arey nahi aapke arms mujhe bohot mote lag rahe hai, aap itni MOTI nahi thi...'
Me, 'shukriya (smiling) ,aap kaisi hai?'
Shazia, ' Dekho na kitni moti ho gayi hoon. Pura saal break liya. abhi kuch kam karne ki koshish hai. Aap ko kitna kam karna hai? '
Me, 'mujhe aaise hi khush rehna hai Shazia. phir milenge'
Shazia, 'Suno , Prajakta...kaun train kar raha hai tumhe?'
Me, 'Vinod Sir.'
Shazia, 'Oh, lucky ho gents se training karva sakti ho na.... hum nahi karva sakte. Waise hai kaise Sir? accha karwaate hai?'
Me, (smiling) 'Bye Shazia, aapna khayal rakhna'
I wont lie, I wondered what would it be to say EFF off to her or maybe tell her that one does't go that deep in shit or maybe ask her why was she being judgemental?
The above incident must give rise to two things, SELF DOUBT or PEACE. I think I am somewhere in between but a tad bit closer to self doubt. I am honestly very happy with myself and know thats what matters. But then I am worried that not all people can see happiness but weight in volumes of FAT in body. May be I am not as evolved as I though I am. Maybe I am not working hard enough. Maybe I must grind my ass more. Would getting in the stereotypical shape make me more happy then the Fit Fat combination that I dwell in? Who calls anyone FAT? any why? I must begin to ask and start answering myself these questions.

How important is physical validation for me to lead a happier life? If it is , how far will I go to achieve it? - point to ponder for the rest of the day!

Monday, January 30, 2017

Blues and new-s

Weird start of the day as cubby went for his week without walls which meant I had to make the alarm go trrrriiiingggg much early than usual to get him outdoors ready and make fresh breakfast and tiffin for him and rush n coax and push him to school half an hour early and that too without any morning meltdowns or tantrums and raised voices.... ROFL... I guess I am not much of a team player when it comes to tasks which have deadlines and getting Kanha to school is one of it... I hate to admit , but it gives me a sense of achievement and pride every single day when seemingly irrelevant or tiny tasks get completed before time. 
I hadn't slept well as usual the night before and was super anxious over back triceps that we were going to work on... I hate to disappoint Vinod Sir spevially when he so looks forward to train me. I wonder why all others call him by his name? A trainer must always be given his or her respect. I am so sure he m ust be younger than me. But what He does is stupendous... 'go go or you can do it or dont give up just 5 more or last 10 .... jayega... chalo chalo karenge....' aren't words but life lessons. I am amazed at how the workout place slowly transforms into a close knit community. I d curse myself for minding my own business all this while and not interact with people around.... All  of them have turned out to be warm and wise. All that fear based religion bias I have heard from my parents (specially father) is worthless piece of shit. Religion is not our choice, its what we are born with, just like our looks. Of course later it makes a difference as to how we turn it into a positive or a negative lifestyle is a definite choice! Its funny how a typical conversation starter in the gym is 'HOW MUCH HAVE YOU LOST?' And I just smile. I have gained a lot, lost none.... and it sets the right mood to talk further..... It takes the conversation from Struggles to empowerment. Instead of what sacrifices ppl have done or how much ppl have to cut down or how better ppl were a few days back or how ppl are not regular and how work and family ruins it.... The conversation goes on importance of keeping a check on priorities , Loving yourself, Eating clean and unprocessed and investing in yourself, about how first Raji, then Tanvir and now Vinod Sir have played important parts. I get happy to get the talks which have a positive vibe.... I hate bloopers and sulkers....
I came back home to clean up , fill up and crash for a while and then woke up with a shudder with some unknown dream. I generally remember my dreams crystal  clear but unfortunately this one I couldn',.. 
Class was super duper busy with our venue changed due to an exhibition at our regular hall plus a few new enquiries and admissions and plus the musicians coming in,plus the pressure of starting a brand new Bhaav class for the seniors.... The day ended at 9.30 took me an hour to come to bed. I hate it when unnecessary calls or pings turn up when I am about to sit for sadhana or riyaz. I took a few calls and by the time I finished it was 11 and I was droopy eyed. Got an eye shut for about an hour when the man of the house returns loudly at 12. I still try to sleep. He decides to not sleep but watch TV which is still fine but He returns to bed with noises which irritates me. Yes I am a big sleep police specially if I am half awake. Himanshu always jokes that I am a different person when I am sleep deprived. He tells me I abuse when I m woken up from sleep. I can imagine that and am also sure that must 100 percent be the case. However I dont remember even an word of what I say in the morning. He also jokes that I am drugged or intoxicated on dreams and I wonder and secretly hope I do good naughty stuff in half sleep... ROFL....
So, the watermelon allergy wasn't a fluke after the fever and upset stomach and body ache, it has given me a rash....
on my neck and chin which I cleverly hide with a concealer. Now that fruit is dead to me. 
I still feel dazed today and have to meet Steven at the studio in the noon and workout. God knows how I am going to do it... And Dad is home to take care of cubby thank goodness.... Extra classes in the evening and pending rehearsal today. I am actually missing a hug, a male hug. Himanshu is such an awkward hugger and I crave for tactile acknowledgement and validation. I am glad he is planning for things that make me happy recently, so its start gazing this weekend, Saputara in April and Machan in May. Makes me so happy. 
Sunday evening meet with Kunal and the brain storming session went well. Lets see how creative energies surge and mingle to result in something productive. I better sign off.... another poem brews within.... so far.... love you zindagi!

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Second post of the evening...!

The previous freeverse has eased me .... I feel better....
I have been trying to make Kanha learn feeding himself for quite some time now.... One hour down and a bowl of dal rice that has gone cold , my patience deserves a NOBEL...Parenting can be tough, I have juggled to the point of breakage a humongous task of having Kanha at home and fitting in studio classes gym session singing rehearsal and home front... I had to get work done till there were ppl to look after him at home in the morning... Himanshu left for lonavala early in the morning... that meant incessant alarms till he wakes up and I am shaken out of sleep. Then hius hustle bustle in and out of the bedroom frantically searching for stuff... the garbage man, the cook all turn up early when I needed to sleep just for a few more minutes... I was not as strong as my usual self while doing legs and triceps plus I had a time crunch so Vinod Sir was considerate and spared the hardcore stuff for some other day. Rushed home for studio class, Rehearsal thankfully at home while I bathed fed read to played with kanha in my breaks.... Noon he lost it , threw a fit and Blasted a full fledged tantrum. I dont hit, because its against my principals but Himanshu wants me to, thats the easier way... Viloence leads to violence.... nope ....there are words like Discipline , Anushasan, Tameez shot over me at gunpoint by my own parents.... phew.... I have to do it my way.... I let him wail it out for an hour. I guess kids have some unknown stressors they might have gathered throughout the week that come up in the form of tantrums and then get flushed out by tears. He was better after 60 minutes of cry therapy. So either give in to irrational demands or work my way through patience.... (deep down I was scared as a human to keep my calm and straight face to let him cry ) but explaination and talking wouldnt help.... He tried everything, voice, violence and surrender.... the last part worked as he returned to sleep in my arms in noon. By then my sleep had gone for a toss. My body was again cranky but my heart filled with delight as I sailed through a tough morning and noon. Now as I juggle my evening riyaz while I keep him entertained in non technology ways, I couldnt help from venting it out here....
I know I am not a mommy material at all since I am still in a 'chill maa', 'take a chill pill mom' mode myself.... But I wouldnt have known that I am not a mommy material until I became one. As totally unattached as I am to him and to anyone on  this earth. I aspire myself detaching from myself as now.... If I can achieve even an iota of that my life is set.
Self absorbed , self consious, self observant... How did I become this? I am nothing in this huge brilliant world but however a part of me makes this very world is a wonderful thought to ponder upon...

Tell me...

My dear ex-soulmate
please tell me...
When there is a gathering
Of deceptive sadness
Clogging your feelings
turning it to a damp moist stale slug
Stagnant puddle with larvae of expectations
Possessive fetuses
and a pyre of fake wisdom...
How would I search for you???
I have heard your pages...
Those jewels of allegations,
innocent yet brutal
I took a plunge, mind you...
My hands made way
Right throw the muck bed
Something soft moist vulnerable...
Severed ties are sensitive , delicate
Trying to pick them up would mean
Disintegration of Past...
Tattered longing, wounded egos
laced with dreamland of futile hopes
Their faint heartbeats
and Yes a dark outline of Mistrust
Still, I dug and tried collecting whatever I could
I had to trust my senses while I manuovered my palms to the surface
and I thought I took your Principles with me
The mucky bowl of flesh that my fingers looked like
dripped of soil dry mud, powder like and dusty....
I heard a faint peacock of values scream
I looked around for colored signs
Stripped off his feathers he tried but fell...
The recognition of green last leaf was plucked, already...
It must have been new and tender
The wound was fresh and tiny
Now, Soulmate...
would you please Ex-plain
How do we face life
be holistic and carry
wordless spring of poems
In our witnessing hearts?


- Prajakta Sathe.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Closing thoughts...

Second post in a single day. My stomach is way better, body and back ache magically subsided. Two days and three movies down I am ready to watch more, Watched
 'Ti Sadhya Kay Kartey?'
'Rajwade & Sons'
'Family Katta' 
now eagerly waiting to watch
'Carbon copy', 
'Half Ticket',
 'Lost and found', 
'Bandh Nylon che' ,
 'Kiran Kulkarni vs Kiran Kulkarni' ,
 'Bho Bho' , 
'Phuge' ,
 'Timepass 2',
'Aga bai areccha',
 'Sugar Salt Prem' ,
 'Court' not for the sake of watching but for the sheer curiosity to learn how stories develop and how marathi industry progresses... regional cinema is so underrated and I want to know why. I wont sit through a movie if I dislike it... 
There were years when I watched 1 hollywood movie per day just like a regular multivitamin pill one takes. It was a norm. I wonder why I stopped. I was a huge hollywood buff then. 
My favories were ROM COMS & CHICK FLICKS...Time to restart...
Got to hear about a friend's wife suffering from depression since last two years and is on medication...I am happy that they spoke up and treat this as a genuine health issue without fearing social stigma.  I empathize with my close friend. Her baby girl turned 1 today and got admitted for high fever. Hate to see babies and kids suffer.... rather anyone... Suffering is bad... Not all suffering is optional. But I am glad major suffering is optional.
Wisdom eases pain for sure.... Goodnight...

Winter ends...officially...

Last few days have had so many curves and graphical content that it was almost impossible to find time to post, Though writing regularly has been a promise I ve committed myself with I havent been able to stick to it. A the riyaz and the sadhana are going extremely well and so is gym, so much so that my body gave way yesterday. 
A, it was sleep deprivation due to recent sudden and incessant Snoring bouts by my legal partner. My nights have been ruined for good and its not HIS fault, its mine coz I have been a finicky picky sleep baby... I love people who can doze off at any hour any where and in noise and light.... phew I am a snob and this needs to change BIG time.  My crankiness adds to the fact that Class, gym, riyaz , sadhana, kanha , home, mom and dad's travel, is going on in full swing. Its a challenge to keep doing it day in and out without enough rest. Plus this week was specially stressful due university exam form deadline and the big deal that comes up every january and august, the technicalities, the paperwork and the phone calls and coordination. The finalisation of performance material and variation for all students is on an all time high... Hall bookings for rehearsals and artist bookings for accompaniment is ridiculously energy consuming. I have tried my level best to not have a break down and go in my shell. But yesterday night I vented it all out to Guruji. The fact that being all of this with a spiritual journey going on, maybe chakras and cleansing and nadi shuddhi taking place since the deeksha sometimes one needs a break. All things good or bad come in extremes... So this silly watermelon spoof or reality struck yet again. Dr.Paranjape had done pulse analysis and had declared that I am allergic to watermelons. My besties declared its all in the head, so as rebellious as I can get I fed myself two three pieces. Sab moh maya hai.... Hoping planning and prepared for nothing I went to bed only to lay restless due to extreme body ache stomach pain back catch and suffering throughout the night. I hadn't slept in two nights straight so my body had to shut down.... It didnt.... fucked up as I was I understood that I can either be all strong or in bed... there isn't inbetween. I had spoken to Guruji about my energy levels and how I haven't found a ground in terms of intimacy. I keep wanting more action in bed and just like working out keeps me going, great sex adds on to it. I understand legal halves may differ and be stressed or tired or may be unable to match, but one should try. There is a difference in BEING READY TO DO IT & ACTUALLY DOING IT.... I am not a frustrated woman in terms of physical satisfaction. There are ways and then there are ways...
In our recent get together of college friends we raised the topic of sexual health. I was sad to hear not many folks give intimacy a priority. No one talks about self pleasure, no one admits masturbation. Why are such topics taboo? I am so much in tune with my own needs that step one is I do admit my self please episodes to my legal partner. Again I am saying that my pleasure or satisfaction isnt solely HIS responsibility. Its ridiculous to hold your partner fully responsible for any happiness, mental, emotional or and physical. So, I take matters in my own hands and keep my health and fitness going be in or out of the bedroom.... Making love , having sex or self pleasure is as important as nutrition, clean eating and staying active. Guruji has said that even Gods have reincarnated in human form in order to experience Love/intimacy. having said that I told Guruji everything that happened recently. I am so blessed to have him one message, call or drive away.... He always patiently listens... 
I blocked someone from whatsapp due to baggage and negativity. With or without him If I have to make it , I will. No more staleness and puddles of dark... I am in full fledge light... I was super hesitant to do it but my God have me a gentle nudge and I am glad he did. Now I am free of conditions and attachments and ties and strings that are badly pulled at wrong places. No the human was never a mistake , that human was a lesson.... I am amazed at how detached I can be to someone whom I had complete faith in some time back.... let bygones be bygones... Some things showed up in memories on FB and this time last year we were together as a team. Change is what I ll accept.
And then I couldnt sleep even today noon.... body still hurts like a million pricks. I was warned about body aches when chakras open up. I am sure my karmas must be washing off. I am not much of a sufferer. I like to express and let go.... I was super horny and high since yesterday morning and noon.... I wanted love which I couldnt get for many reasons...I craved for company, well, the pain gave me company till now... Amazed at how body rebels if denied of its wants.... 
A friend narrates episodes of elderly couple trying to convince a young couple with a child having a genetically inheritable  degenerative disorder to have another baby. The friend and the young couple were furious. The female in the young couple even told the elderly couple that she would have to abort several times till a healthy fetus was conceived to which the elder man said SO WHAT???
Now this is how toxic garbage passes on from one human to another. Personal life is a personal decision, intimate matters need to remain in the couple unless they decide to share it. Well, I know all the parties very well in the story. There is no right or wrong. I am not taking sides. Elderly couple has age related frustration and ego which they might want to throw and give unseeked advice. Their journey. I would have smiled and kept my mouth shut had it happened to me and it has happened. Initial me before spirituality happened would have given right and left to the couple fighting it out till I emerged a winner and proved a point. But now I love what beauty and magic of what mute can achieve. Silence wins many challenging battles... And my new found love for silence just proves it right. 
What is the point in pulling and maintaining relations for the heck of it. Dil chahta hai to call karenge contacts banaye rakhenge. Himanshu is amazed as to how I never call even call my own parents or his. Not that I don't love them, just that I am not connected to them like they want. I ve had lovely time with my in laws when they are here or when I ve gone back home... We have spent hours chatting and gossiping and discussing life philosophy history... But I like to connect to them in person. I cant keep contact virtually . I am equally comfortable with ABSENCE as much as I am with PRESENCE. 
I am immensely excited that many friends are curious about Guruji and a few of them want to meet him too! I came to know about AD's age and this reaffirmed that AGE is just a number. He is almost 20 years elder to me but just compliments me in every way. We are like a house on fire when we meet but at the same time I dont miss him when he is not around. This is magic. I make NOW as real and action oriented as possible. 
An FB acquaintance recently asked me questions about my past out of curiosity and I answered without any inhibitions. Just that I have a question for myself.... how does it matter? It does for getting stories and get fascinated with life!!!! I completely love listening to ppls stories. Thats what humans get driven by..... 'what made some one what they are' today is fascinating to the listener. I am happy I told about some instances about my past clinically without any involvement or attachment to it... 
S.F. and I shared some lovely moments on phone where we shared our ups and downs and life and light design sensibilities and arabic culture and animals and guitar.... and alternative medicine...wildlife and nature...I am glad to have him in my life... 
AD , SF have been gifts from life. I am glad I know them. 
I dont know how the evening will go and if I can get back to my schedule tomorrow. Lets hope for the best! Dear Body please cooperate...

Saturday, January 21, 2017


Today started on a relaxed note of a Saturday morning. Went to the gym to see the full cardio area shut for servicing and maintainence. So had to rely on functional training . Knee lock dead lifts, step ups, leg raises, crunches, reverse air walking and jumping jacks combined to make a great workout. Got to know a few gym ppl closer. Networking takes place in the most unlikely areas... Came home to a hurried lunch , nap (which was hampered with construction noises) and then rehearsals for an upcoming performance. The accompanists, the people around , the co performers had considerable low energy but the practice was okay. I ll be giving my best nevertheless. I guess it's okay to unlearn and make do with lesser technology and appreciate and shine a show with lesser instruments . Maybe the voice will shine, maybe not. Without thinking about it, I am just going to go with the flow. I made new friends today. Got to know a bunch of complete strangers on my way back. It's interesting how with less anxiety I can strike a conversation with  a heterogeneous group of people. Came home famished... Whipped up some hot soup and steaming Patra. Himanshu suggested we go to the terrace. Very unlikely of him to say something like that. He is a lounging araaam lazing sleeping driving type of a person. Maybe the fitness keeda may have struck him. We walked while chatting for an hour. I was not up for a recardio , however couldn't resist to connect with Himanshu after long... So be it I said. I walked with him on the terrace for an hour. Came down to watch our favorites Indian Idol. Then adorned the role of a Bharatiya patni and rolled hot Rotis for him. Yes I do that, I like to at times pamper my folks. Not always but , well mostly whenever it is in my power. So I let him do his man thing and lie down with the remote as I cooked and fed him. Post that I remembered to check FB 200 likes already for today's rehearsal pic. Lol.... I regret not playing football with the young teens of my building when I felt like in the morning. At the most they would have said no.... Why why why didn't I try or ask, when I felt like kicking .... I really wanted to play as I saw them at it on my way back home from gym... Lesson learned. Do not fret or regret. Just do it.... That's all for today... Hope my cub sleeps well at his grandparents home tonight without troubling them. Concerned about them more not him... He can be such a bully at times... Long day... Learnt some things... Met few new souls. Connected with old... All is well. I am blessed.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Fear is a Liar

Thinking about fears and philosophy has made me realize that the more I think about it than do anything about it the more stagnated I become. Breaking of walls around me will create many first times for not just me but for some very close people around me. Like I was raised by instilling unknown fears about what could go wrong instead of reassurance of what could go right. Though I did have fun (i had to rebel for it) in my younger years. But now when Independence was realized and I was responsible for utilizing my freedom for growth there were challenges. Having raised in a conservative atmosphere I waited for 10 years to start reinventing my dressing style though initially with an undertone of judgement. There were eyebrows raised, there were questions and there were mild controversies around the people who thought they had a say to how I must appear in public. Off shoulder , cleavage, pouts , posing, red lips were all cultural shocks to the people back home. I so wanted and so I did. Forget about objectifying imagery , adultery, remarks, facing in-laws , being labelled - the only thing on my mind was, to do what I really want to do and be what I wanted to be.
Like how it shocked the hell out of my maternal biological link knowing that I drank when I wanted and to accept that offsprings raised in a non spirited surrounding can turn into social drinkers... The fact that alcohol never excites me and if it ever did I would go for it. Doesn't this apply to so many other things in life? I almost peed in my pants a year back when a body builder came along to greet me and talk to me in the gym. Why??? I had everything that could have made me have a sane conversation to a timid gentle man or an intimidating looking pumped up human, physical attributes were nothing that could come in between communication. But I did feel the pressure I had to gather courage to respond. I reacted first by raising my guards.  A year back I answered to him in monosyllables , today I have long chats with him after we workout and discuss nutrition and crack a joke.... how lovely is that. A year back I anticipated his loud voice and humongous body to have rowdy undertones. My bad I judged. Now I don't. Even then I would say that there is still some shell that needs to be cracked. I cant start up a conversation with lovely cabbies. I cant say hi to my andawala if his cycle passes my way. I cant initiate  a conversation. I can only participate if the party in front starts first. Long way to go. But now for this year NO FEAR , FEAR NOT, FEARLESSNESS will be the way to go...

P.S. We were discussing the importance of positive reinforcement and complimenting people. Hubby says its to personal to compliment anyone on their perfume. Hell, I d rather let the person know that he smells great than regret not saying it. It would break Ice make him feel good and me warmer... apart from that I like and I say what I like.... as simple as that. I would never in my wildest dreams go up to any person who needs a deo and say YOU STINK , Start using a good antiperspirant - Thats a helluva different level for me to achieve. lol... I do compliment people on attributes that they are not born with, eg. something which they chose for themselves. I d rather compliment on their talent than their physical features first. anyways... Long day ahead.... bbye for now!

Points of F...

I cancelled another appointment due to someone's indescicivenes and lack of following a protocol. It was a rehearsal that was supposed to start at 1 pm. I was asked to extend the time and start at 1.40 to which I reluctantly agreed. Then the person shifted it to 2.30, I took a call. My time energy and effort is as precious as the party in front , hence in best interest of both I cancelled. I wonder if the cancellation would affect the performance since now we directly meet for the grand rehearsal. So be it. A commitment and respect for the time is universal and should never be compromised unless it's a life and death situation. I cancelled a few important commitments in the morning to have this rehearsals , nevertheless I ll gather things around and pick it up right from where it's left.
I hope the lack of punctuality trait doesn't lead to unfriending and blocking some good ppl from my life. I hope I gather courage to speak up what upsets me and let them know that this thing is non compromisable. Period.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Musical evening...

Tuesday noons are relaxed and hence any off track plan to be done happens today. So after a hectic morning routine , breakfast with dad , gym and lunch I was resting and going to take it slow however slow isn't meant for me ever I guess. My dear friend visited me to talk talk and talk more. We listened to music Classic rock and blues from Simon and Garfunkel , Ravel Bolero , BB king, Tribute to Led Zeppelin to nirguni bhajan by Pt.Mukul Shivputra, hori by Kalapini Komkali , Return of Shakti unplugged with Zakir Hussain to popular music... He decided to break his fast and I decided to pamper. It gives utmost pleasure to feed a hungry soul. He binged and hogged and I was happily tossing food from plan to his plate. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach they say... Well it is too bookish a comment... There is only way to anyone's heart I guess and that is Food. Lol... Food bonds us binds us thickens us mends us bends us... I am glad We looked up researched and discussed his forthcoming lifestyle change with Ketogenic diet that he is ready to adapt for good. He is teaching me to be unashamedly brutally honest about strengths and weaknesses...  It was an amazing evening filled with laughter , fun, aromas, tastes , music , talks , food and warmth. I am one blessed soul and so is my friend... We are lucky to have each other in our lives. I also got the new year message by my Guru and Sadguru around the same time. Such a fabulous timing. Pondering over the message.... Until next post. Bbye!

Monday, January 16, 2017

Some things take time...

My Guruji has highlighted the point of accepting change as a huge part of evolving spiritually in his recent talk. This made me ponder over what changed... To my surprise I ve loved the game of chucking off useless nervousness bouts by mentally saying a few things like
'How does it matter?'
'Atleast give it a try...'
'**** it, let's do it'
'Hell with everyone else if it feels right, go with it'

Eg.A few years back.... I hid in oodles of clothes feeling conscious at the cost of it coming in the way of my training... Lose fitting trousers and over sized tees meant I would never see if my form was correct and if I felt tight and toned after a session... I stopped that...
The day I invested in the right gear I loved the joy looking the part and feeling everything a workout had to offer... Looking great validated the fact that I wanted more of it and was ready to put it more efforts...
Just yesterday I wore a crop top anticipating a cardio session... On reaching the gym trainer declared we would do hard core functional training and no machines
I had to jump kick and squat and bend and do burpees and mountain climbers.
I went into a nervous spiral down thinking my midriff and my waist would show and I got conscious.
Just then my conscious said **** it just do it. Crop top or not midriff or back whatever shows or hides or is seen what matters is your effort and Who is watching doesn't matter
The trainer is like a doctor knowing every inch of fat or muscle under the subcutaneous layers....
The minute the fear of judgement disappeared I became free of nervousness and had a fabulous workout.

Once while running on an incline my Capri tights rolled down my butt in a gym full of people. Imagine that happening. I was in full speed running and couldn't have done anything but pull them up and keep going taking care that it doesn't happen again. And even if it did it was a calculated risk... Faux pax happens to everybody
Had this happened to me a few years back as at a unisex timing the gym I would have ran off never to return again... But things are different now.

I realised I needed to get way more confident and comfortable of what I have and in my skin.
I would never have thought of going out of my comfort zone ever a few years back.  Going out for social events , speaking out in public expressing myself without any fear would be extremely difficult.
I wonder where these inherent fears came from.
But what's past is past. Today there is a different picture and I am happy to see what I look at.

Self love is extremely underrated. I was warned ridiculed and judged because I put up a few pics of mine which weren't upto the societal conditioning of my parents. I didn't back answer though I maintained my stance and posted what I wanted. This lead to a sense of liberation underlined with a bold line of taking full responsibility for my actions.

That night I was questioned and taunted with sarcasm for having a late night out and because I stayed at a coffee shop late and chatting just because I wanted to and there was so much to share and there wasn't a need for me to be present in the house really. As far as safety is concerned, anything can really happen anywhere . Why live in fear? Why not spend time with a friend who helps you grow ? Why not invest in yourself and people who add value to your life? Who is answerable to whom? All questions have case specific tweeked and manipulated answers...

I am headstrong on living my life on my terms.
Yes I have a family , yes I am a responsible mother partner daughter (in-law) etc. But above all I am a human first. My first commitment and first love will always be MYSELF.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Chukila maafi nahi!

One may be very polite kind gentle giving and non judgemental.
I hate to expect anything but punctuality from anyone. 
One may screw up at odd places and all places in the world but, dude one needs to respect TIME...
One may give someone benefit of doubt and second chances...
But least one can do is count on given word and commitment
And I say this from experience.
I have immense respect for living and non living world and I come from a place of co-living harmoniously without messing into each others lives. Live and let live is the motto I vouch for.
However if any acquaintance/friend/lovedone/family/human falters in commitment,  fails to keep time or rather cancels plans, I mentally disconnect and detach. Though I have evolved to learn to not take things personally , some people might have genuine issues of time management or some last minute problem or maybe being on time is not in their system or habit. I consider it as a disrespect to one of the most precious irrevocable resources TIME. It would take a lot... A LOT for anyone to make up to me and in my inner circle if this is not respected. Life goes on, moves forward. Moving on is easier for a seemingly detached person. With the kind of mentoring my Guruji is bestowing me with along with sadhana, I can humbly say that I want to go beyond MATTERS.... how, what, when why and all other questions....
Thank goodness I am blessed to be able to reach every single place earlier than the decided time. I feel responsible and convinced that no matter what work , it has to have a deadline. 
I am very sure of being friendly with a person who has disrespected TIME, however, it would be difficult to be friends or remain friends. Who knows? Kal ho na ho.... I have my NOW and I am going to make sure I am going to rock it. 
Tasmay Shree Guruve Namah

Keeping at it...

Yesterday was a superlatively engaging day! It is indispensable to post about it since it lead to a few insights and paramount  divulgations. A one on one private class on a holiday means a relaxed one post breakfast where the student and I go deep into practice and learning for an hours slot time per student who books a one on one class... However it was tad bit stressful to have a breakfast class at 8 am which meant morning chores , domestic stuff had to either shift early , wait or get juggled throughout the day! Plus it pains to have students arrive late for a preplanned class. I am ready set and waiting at the studio at 7.55 am sharp, the student arrives at 8.23 am. I wonder why and how can people be unapologetic about using up other's time and devalue it. Plus giving what I promised is in principal my responsibility. I still am about to be unbashfully brutal and stop the class at 9 am sharp saying that I was ready and my time is over. I need to unlearn somethings and start being assertively professional. I have taken some extremely expensive classes on a per sitting basis which cost a few many thousands per hour and the trainers do not entertain even for a second more than promised. When would I learn? Or do I need to? How vital is my time and how far do I respect it? How do I make people around me respect it equally. Who doesn't love a promising Saturday morning. This lead to a delay in my gym routine and I went in late and rushed through my LEGS day. Duh... I hate compromising on the fitness routine and have affirmed myself of getting my priorities in place. 

Post Gym was a new routine that I have recently set up for myself. Something which is extremely primary  and may be considered insignificant by myself in the past. I have observed a pattern in how my personality has come through. First being an only child meant that I had no exposure to physically challenging work/chores ever. All I did through out my childhood was dance sing play go to school and sleep. There was discipline , since I grew up with my grandparents but there were no domestic duties. We had help, even after marriage I have had help around and have never consistently needed to do housework. This may have (I suspect) lead to a sense of carefree divulging to a careless attitude in how I lived earlier. I ve cooked but I ve created unexplainable heap of vessels and dishes after cooking, I have never ever thought of any conservation strategy. I have put in 3-4 machine loads , have changed the sheets of my bed even twice a day and have maybe not given a thought as to I would have indirectly created tons of work which was completely unavoidable. Paying househelp doesnt mean I own them or they owe me to do more work every day even if I pay them really well or even double. A) Its such a gross loss of ecologically important resource that water is and also waste of Manpower and time. Why couldn't it occur to me early? B) Having the power to pay means it chucks out independence big time! I had maybe become lazy in the past few years! Throw m oney and the work would be done. C) The ample freedom to utilize the time saved by not doing these duties myself meant I kind of not took DOING NOW, GETTING IT DONE seriously.... I was this happy moody laid back self proclaimed artist who lived life on her own terms not giving a damn about anything.
Well, that needed a tweeking of sorts. I needed to Value Freedom and the amount of time in my hands to be proactively getting independent in Actuality and respecting Labor, I needed to treasure the freedom and this meant learning it the hard way.  There was a phase in life when I would go into mild depression when a maid wouldn't turn up, I would even pile on dishes till she came and would ask her I ll pay you more just get the damn thing done. I would store dirty laundry and put multiple loads for the day she arrived overburdening her. Then there was a phase where I cribbed and cried , but did the things and expected validation. I wanted to get praised for doing what I did. Ridiculously so did it mean I would invest the time gone in doing the house work for creating amazing art? No, ofcourse not! I would have slept or surfed or gone shopping had I been free. But I sulked. I burnt opportunities for temporary comfort.
So, I decided to do something about it. I decided to take  a full fortnight and maybe more if everything goes right of doing every single house work by myself, I started doing it without any prior training, exposure or preparation. I started doing stuff and with no complain , wanting to learn and get it done. first it took time, then it tired me too. Slowly as days passed I got habituated and then now it has come to a point when I am enjoying doing it. It acts like it is cleansing my system. I now value manpower more and have observed myself to be more efficient,  more creative , more productive and happier. I suddenly find my freetime has become precious and I strive to make the most to it!!! I value efforts , I treasure human presence. I now conserve resources and am discerning in planning my day and spanning priorities. Its a rule that verything appears difficult or impossible until its done. Slowly being at it continues to make us gain mastery over it no matter how. 
It blew my mind as to how difficult cleanning a milkpot is, and the amount of effort it takes to fold clothes which are tossed inside out... phew... careless was I, but not anymore! If took 5 secs to pour water in a tea mug I drank from so that it doesnt get dried or stained... I never did it earlier... now I do. Was there a need of changing sheets twice a day? no, now its gone down to once a day... Loads are lessening and the household is happy.

So after the routine household chores I decided to lie down for a while and in the noon there was a dove couple cooing and a crow screetching and the compound cat on the meowing prowl and also a drill in the wing next to us. I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds, there was no chance that I was going to get any sleep nevertheless I did just listen.... It was the noisy calm the enveloped me with the cool noon breeze. I was up in 30 mins without any compaint and NO snobbish sleep deprived mood swing (which was a regular fare earlier) ready to go. And the mood had to be set! Why wouldn't it be? After all I was going to see my most favorite person in the world, my Guruji. 

Evening was spent in spiritual bliss where my Guruji spoke about Duties,Responsibilities and Associated Guilt while living. It was wonderful to hear him speak about the equilibrium between Ego and Conscience and how we seek balance between being Indulgent and Drawing a line and enjoying freewill. He gave practical tips to move through this struggle with ease. It was followed by a fulmoon meditation which was very peaceful. I touched his feet , looked deep into his eyes and he asked me to come meet him soon. The smile just reassures and corrects all doubts and makes one blissful. 

Then I went to meet my dear friend AD. I ve written about him earlier. He was back from his helicopter ride around Everest and background study tour of mountaineering in the hills. He was full of stories of travel and philosophy. Its fascinating to hear him talk with such passion  for life and being inspired at all time. Time just freezes when he speaks. I met him at 9.30pm and left at 12. Only promising to meet again and soon to share more. Life is full of amazing friends meant to add on such value to living. I feel blessed. More about this meet soon!
Till then.... bbye!!!

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Mains of Stoicism with a sides of forbearance - a complete meal!

Silence is back in town
I come to know of it by an anticipatory breathless gasp I hear from around
Yes, back and how? Just for a while, to place a semicolon amidst long space bars of blanks...
Just before it leaps to an exponential jump to another time and place...
I wonder if it knows its own journey for I understand its futile to speculate
Between long pauses of uncertain conversations it abandons me for a while long enough to miss it 
But just not much so as to help me get used to living without it
Sweetly brutal phases of something I long for
I had decided to not miss it
I was determined to live beyond memories and adulations of  romancing something I can't have 
In addition to that I am so sure that Silence is completely love with itself and So am I
Two people who put themselves first and always so can never be attached was my idea
But I failed miserably this time... maybe like always... 
I missed it dearly and yearned for a meet with it...
Even a brief encounter would do. 
At a local place, social set up, public venue or even at someplace close , maybe close enough...
I am recurrently reminded of the gaps that it filled in the past , right upto the brim... 
But just until it was about to spill... But never did it drip a droplet below...
Full was an idea any laywomen would cherish, however I needed  complete, but I never asked for it...
I could never have, since that meant I had to tie it with a string of expectations
And I have claimed to be a nonstick vessel with a liberated soul
So much for a human ego that I could never even bent down to tell Silence that I was in love
And even if it was one of those love in phases or love to be forgotten or love to die a slow death, 
It was LOVE or maybe still is for heaven's sake
I convinced myself that I had no selfish motives and I would be the first one to confess
I believed that Surrendering came naturally to me since spirituality happened
Then why the suspense and now why this guilt trip?
I may have let myself down by getting deceived by a self mask
Maybe Silence has gone
Silence doesn't love me
Maybe Silence is a bitter truth
Silence is unattached 
Maybe Silence doesn't need me as much as I need it
Silence is old, elder , wise and experienced
Maybe I am too noisy 
I need to grow up...
I am missing it deep down and still am adamant about not letting it know...
Silence must not turn into noise 
It may come to me as sound
I may search for it in Music too
but, It resides in none...
I will wait...
I will learn to listen...

Attachment doesn't work 
It never is supposed to work
Attachment to kids parents partners lovers spouses friends relations money fame popularity youth health life death any material or platonic hypothesis brings pain 
Attachments -> expectations -> pain 
Gentle loving concern, good will and unconditional acceptance will win even the most challenging quirks in life... 
Just a thought of pleasant pat on my back as I got over one Fear at this very moment...
Feeling weak is okay , to emerge a winner gives a fabulous high....
I felt hung up on a certain thing and thought I would attach myself there....
But no.... Great distraction at a crucial time worked wonders! 
Foot notes for a conspiring inspiration seeker is to keep creating stuff and shit and not give a fuck to whether people would judge...
Eventually after a while some stuff is called shit and some deep shit is called great stuff....
It's important to keep expressing...
Catharsis or not, let it flow to keep it flowing is the rule... 
No inhibitions 
No barriers
No masks 
It's important to feel, 
inevitable to deal,
Eventually time will heal ... 

- amen to experience! 

Tuesday, January 10, 2017


I am reminded of a calm face of silence today...
The glow, the mirth, the peace resembled nothing but oneness with his surroundings...
Oh, how I wish I could dig deep into his thoughts and know what it takes to be the way he was and many times still is...
I have seen the same serenity in his eyes that change color as the day rises and seasons change, I asked him how? And he smiled showing me that he loved that I observed...
I couldn't blush since I wanted to appear confident and inquisitive yet I must have let lose a few ounces of pink around...
Because after that he held my hand and squeezed it firmly and asked me if I could feel it...
I wonder why our eyes glistened with moisture and mouths filled with faint pleasant affirmation...
The energy the moment and us...
Nothing else mattered...
Maybe we are like this with many people at many times, some of us are like this with fewer people at fewer times...
And then there is that person who is like this only with one person for only that one time...
With no assurance that the time will return ever
No these moments can't be replicated ,replaced or recreated...
But they have changed me... From inside out...
Now I hear silence more clearly and am sold at its beauty.
Words are mere translations of what can be...
I want to be present , that's all I want...
I d hate to crib at a sunset that I didn't do enough or I couldn't go here or meet them or see this or eat that....
No I m not planning to go all over the place doing all things I can, but I am open...
To what experience is going to reach me...
And I can see a similar stance in snippets and bits all around me...
Right from my cook Darshana who incessantly chants Om Namah Shivay while cooking or while my granny knits one loop after another , twining her way to meditation yarns of comforting softness that no other pashmina could render...
I have been peckishly observant about how people around me grab their quiet in the daily humdrum, each one does, even Kanha becomes mum once in a while and I keep wondering what goes on...
I love the contrast of an lady doing the dishes right above our flat... Her utensils and the water can't get louder than her feeling.
The noon Azaan is on...
The sparrows chirping , some crows , my thoughts, somewhere some mushrooms gossipping feverishly to lull themselves to sleep and the room clock ticking quite loudly today....
My thoughts and heartbeats need syncing...
It was a gusty mighty rock n roll morning
I can laugh about the accidents that happened since dawn just because they aren't worth mentioning....
It's crazy how a day takes turns to tickle all the right bones in you...
Thank you Din...

Monday, January 9, 2017

Resplendent day...

Yesterday proved to be super productive with the kind of amazing work that was done in one day. Thankfully things run so smoothly like a blessing domestically as if Divinity magically removes any hindrances if any on my path. Help arrives in ways I can never even think about. I am happy to be open to this surge of positivity! That's the beauty of being an enlightened Guru's Disciple. As I ponder on various topics that my friend & I spoke about, about Spirituality, relationships, attachments, expectations, karma, payback , judgement in his studio, I now realize how beautifully gentle my own Guru has been in getting me out from any impact what so ever. The heaviness and the pressure felt was made aware of much later after I came out of the room filled with probabilities that might not have gone in my favor. I knew it right from the start about the impending trouble that might have occurred had I been fear based or without grace. I was well aware of the pressure, and knew possibilities of presence, however my soul guided me to stay put with conviction and confidence my Guruji has instilled in me. It wouldn't go wrong, my heart said. He had to open up his heart and let me know the on goings, my role was to be non judgemental, to listen with all my heart, to empathize and NOT ADVICE. I told him what my Guru says and his teachings. Not all but a part of what was relevant to the things he told me. He was mildly shocked, bit relieved , intrigued and shaken by a few things. Half baked knowledge is dangerous and can never give solace of wisdom from a realized master. I d love to elaborate the story that my friend shared some day. Just that I need it to simmer within and ripen until it takes form and shape on paper. Like wise is the story of a dear soul whom I spent time with towards the year end... That too needs to vent out. This time the stories may or may not come in form of not so tiny tales like last year or maybe they will. No anticipation.
I have to write stories about two doctor friends of mine. I am glad to have found a non fuss absolutely father figure in one of them. He is a friend first and a guardian later, his story might look plain but carries strong undercurrents of churning and evolution, The other Doctor is a childlike whirlwind, so dynamic , so intense and super emotional... There is a blossoming gym story branching at ever angle currently with respect to normal peeps, alpha males, oppressed females and liberated free spirits. No, the statement isn't one bit generic, I m glad I came across them and they opened up to me partially. I m curious to know how their story unfolds... Its enchanting to observe how intensely we feel compassion towards others lives when they share their tales with us!
As I sat today doing my morning riyaz and sadhana, my mind was flooded with those stories and people and I wonder why...? The fact that they surfaced at a most calm and quiet time proves that they need to be documented. 
As much as I treasure my solitude and love going solo, I have come to realize I am peoples person in a one on one setting. I have observed that I become very quiet and a bit in shell in a group. Any ways! There was a fresh whiff of air as my brother in law visited us last night from Dubai. Its warming when loved ones visit! I have come to liking people come over, 
Another long work day awaits. I have to keep my focus of a few things which I intend to do and get into action! Here I go.... 

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Monday is here!

Finally that early morning Riyaz is finally happening after the longest wait ever! Since I have managed to get up early, this means that my day begins early and much more is achieved. I cannot believe its almost 8.15 now and I ve done with Riyaz Sadhana woken kanha made garam phulkas fed him and made him go to school bathed n dressed myself waiting for breakfast and after that I m planning to hit the gym early,,, I ve come to believe that as the day passes ahead gym becomes more challenging... Well the menu is set on the white board, washing machine loaded and planner set for the day. what more can a Monday ask for...Had gone in to this fabulous regional organic crop fest from the farmers from extreme interiors of Maharashtra. Amazed at the incredible quality of grains, pulses, cereals and nuts at extremely affordable prices. I was like kid in a candy shop since the healthy eating switch that happened a few years back. From there  I met a friend after a long time (almost a year I guess). He had pinged me earlier in the day asking me how I was doing and about my plans for the day. He was kind enough to pick me up from the venue and then we sat down at his studio chatting away for good 3 hours. I am happy that we took off from where we had left. So much had changed since then and He said its difficult to believe that I am the same one he met a few years back. I am happy to hear him say that since it just reaffirms the turning of a leaf even more! Happy for last evening. Just that I wish to continue to be praying for him more now. Hope He finds relief and light. Amen

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Hair struggles in our lives

1) Conditioner and shampoo bottles get used up at varied timings... Always!
2) Good hair day and perfect pout lip color with additional gloss almost always coincide with a windy rickshaw ride where all we do is frantically close lips inwards and tightly  while tracing back the hair.
3) We find Bob pins when we search for safety pins and vice versa. We own 1 dozen packets but end up with none at the last moment...
4) In extreme summers in a moment of 'argh it is hot...I want to tie a high bun' we lose our last hair band and the wooly scrunchie lies wet on the bathroom floor!!!
5) Hair behave best when we are at our home in pyjamas and decides to go bonkers on date night or a festive function.
6) The cutest baby you enthusiastically picked up and the notorious aunt who is all touchy and feely always end up getting their hands in your well set hair! You have to appear smiling.
         As I sat in Bblunt getting my own hair done I was laughing out loud with such thoughts in my mind. Got  weird looks, nevertheless... All is well that ends well, spend a bomb to color treat and style those bangs but do have a good laugh while you swipe your card at the billing counter!

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Jumping jacks!

It's funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different. I remember this quote from somewhere and wonder how adaptive are we to change. I guess the minute there is a change there is some kind of fear in everyone of us. This year though I was prepared to turn pages and open new tabs to things which are flowing out and making a difference in life... As I moved on some things and some people came gushing back to me like sticky candy. You know sticky candy is not good for you but many a times you end up having it anyway. I am glad I now keep the sticky candy in a small non stick bag with me and look at it from where I am and smile. I let it not lure or tempt me and not even spoil my fingers , but I keep it nevertheless as a constant reminder that yes there is a situation that I may get myself in which would be difficult to come clean off. Highly diabolical memories , fear and attachments are to be weaned off and fresh crisp new outlook is embraced, I am on lets do it mode. Today in gym I was bored of doing the same alternate day cardio on machines , so I said lets do something different. As a personal preference, I hate running and jumping. One thing at a time , I did 300 step ups and followed it by 400 jumping jacks. My target was 300 but I made sure I did 100 more because i had the energy. My personal target for the month is to be able to do 1000 jumping jacks in sets of 250 without break by January end. Seemingly  not easy, but I ll make it happen and how,.. simply by doing it. My cook decides to return and now I take her back on my terms. Mind is a very good slave but a worst master.... with that I sign off this noons entry. (with a short note to reduce my ginger tea from 2 huge mugs to normal one cup from tomorrrow) since i have already had two today!
I am so much in love with the idea of LOVE!

Monday, January 2, 2017

Monday happenings from the view of a learner

So yes, I managed to cook for the family (except phulkas which mom was kind enough to send)
Sustainable breakfast, one ussal, one bean curry, dal rice , kadi, coffee. tea, setting yogurt n stuff...
Thankfully my switching to homecooked clean eating has helped.
My staple food intake is permutation combination from the following list - Indian Breakfast, Eggs, Soup (from the scratch boil blits flavor and eat style with no straining) , Salad (right from indian kachumbar to lettuce and cheese with freshly made dressings), vegetable Juice (Carrot Beet) , Fruit (Banana) , Bhaji (all) and Yogurt, A cup of tea, A glass of milk with nut mix and Lots of water. Higher hunger is responded with some soaked almonds and dry fruit snack. Treats are homemade laddoos and sweet meats in limited quantities. This makes my life pretty much sorted considering I dont fall in the jhol of eating Roti , rice and the works!
Visual documentation of  anything assures I get consciously aware of my own feedback.
A milestone crossed in gym. Today I pushed 15 + 15 kg dumbbells in the last of the set on a recline and an incline bench. My sets were 9-10-12.5-15 on recline first and then incline later each set of 25 reps, This makes 200 reps on bench which is kickass for me.
I followed it by reverse press , upright, overhead, front, side , cable raises 3 sets of 25 each and peck deck 4 sets of 25 each which made it a mind blowing workout. (specially after the waking early and cooking, a little bit of stress and overwhelming added to it)
I couldn't get myself to sing and crashed on the bed for one hour after shower and woke up to type and do some more kitchen work.
phew it is going to take sometime before I become a Pro. Till then I will hang in there and keep Doing! Off for dance class. Hope this year treats me well!