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Saturday, January 21, 2017

Sat-urday

Today started on a relaxed note of a Saturday morning. Went to the gym to see the full cardio area shut for servicing and maintainence. So had to rely on functional training . Knee lock dead lifts, step ups, leg raises, crunches, reverse air walking and jumping jacks combined to make a great workout. Got to know a few gym ppl closer. Networking takes place in the most unlikely areas... Came home to a hurried lunch , nap (which was hampered with construction noises) and then rehearsals for an upcoming performance. The accompanists, the people around , the co performers had considerable low energy but the practice was okay. I ll be giving my best nevertheless. I guess it's okay to unlearn and make do with lesser technology and appreciate and shine a show with lesser instruments . Maybe the voice will shine, maybe not. Without thinking about it, I am just going to go with the flow. I made new friends today. Got to know a bunch of complete strangers on my way back. It's interesting how with less anxiety I can strike a conversation with  a heterogeneous group of people. Came home famished... Whipped up some hot soup and steaming Patra. Himanshu suggested we go to the terrace. Very unlikely of him to say something like that. He is a lounging araaam lazing sleeping driving type of a person. Maybe the fitness keeda may have struck him. We walked while chatting for an hour. I was not up for a recardio , however couldn't resist to connect with Himanshu after long... So be it I said. I walked with him on the terrace for an hour. Came down to watch our favorites Indian Idol. Then adorned the role of a Bharatiya patni and rolled hot Rotis for him. Yes I do that, I like to at times pamper my folks. Not always but , well mostly whenever it is in my power. So I let him do his man thing and lie down with the remote as I cooked and fed him. Post that I remembered to check FB 200 likes already for today's rehearsal pic. Lol.... I regret not playing football with the young teens of my building when I felt like in the morning. At the most they would have said no.... Why why why didn't I try or ask, when I felt like kicking .... I really wanted to play as I saw them at it on my way back home from gym... Lesson learned. Do not fret or regret. Just do it.... That's all for today... Hope my cub sleeps well at his grandparents home tonight without troubling them. Concerned about them more not him... He can be such a bully at times... Long day... Learnt some things... Met few new souls. Connected with old... All is well. I am blessed.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Fear is a Liar

Thinking about fears and philosophy has made me realize that the more I think about it than do anything about it the more stagnated I become. Breaking of walls around me will create many first times for not just me but for some very close people around me. Like I was raised by instilling unknown fears about what could go wrong instead of reassurance of what could go right. Though I did have fun (i had to rebel for it) in my younger years. But now when Independence was realized and I was responsible for utilizing my freedom for growth there were challenges. Having raised in a conservative atmosphere I waited for 10 years to start reinventing my dressing style though initially with an undertone of judgement. There were eyebrows raised, there were questions and there were mild controversies around the people who thought they had a say to how I must appear in public. Off shoulder , cleavage, pouts , posing, red lips were all cultural shocks to the people back home. I so wanted and so I did. Forget about objectifying imagery , adultery, remarks, facing in-laws , being labelled - the only thing on my mind was, to do what I really want to do and be what I wanted to be.
Like how it shocked the hell out of my maternal biological link knowing that I drank when I wanted and to accept that offsprings raised in a non spirited surrounding can turn into social drinkers... The fact that alcohol never excites me and if it ever did I would go for it. Doesn't this apply to so many other things in life? I almost peed in my pants a year back when a body builder came along to greet me and talk to me in the gym. Why??? I had everything that could have made me have a sane conversation to a timid gentle man or an intimidating looking pumped up human, physical attributes were nothing that could come in between communication. But I did feel the pressure I had to gather courage to respond. I reacted first by raising my guards.  A year back I answered to him in monosyllables , today I have long chats with him after we workout and discuss nutrition and crack a joke.... how lovely is that. A year back I anticipated his loud voice and humongous body to have rowdy undertones. My bad I judged. Now I don't. Even then I would say that there is still some shell that needs to be cracked. I cant start up a conversation with lovely cabbies. I cant say hi to my andawala if his cycle passes my way. I cant initiate  a conversation. I can only participate if the party in front starts first. Long way to go. But now for this year NO FEAR , FEAR NOT, FEARLESSNESS will be the way to go...

P.S. We were discussing the importance of positive reinforcement and complimenting people. Hubby says its to personal to compliment anyone on their perfume. Hell, I d rather let the person know that he smells great than regret not saying it. It would break Ice make him feel good and me warmer... apart from that I like and I say what I like.... as simple as that. I would never in my wildest dreams go up to any person who needs a deo and say YOU STINK , Start using a good antiperspirant - Thats a helluva different level for me to achieve. lol... I do compliment people on attributes that they are not born with, eg. something which they chose for themselves. I d rather compliment on their talent than their physical features first. anyways... Long day ahead.... bbye for now!

Points of F...

I cancelled another appointment due to someone's indescicivenes and lack of following a protocol. It was a rehearsal that was supposed to start at 1 pm. I was asked to extend the time and start at 1.40 to which I reluctantly agreed. Then the person shifted it to 2.30, I took a call. My time energy and effort is as precious as the party in front , hence in best interest of both I cancelled. I wonder if the cancellation would affect the performance since now we directly meet for the grand rehearsal. So be it. A commitment and respect for the time is universal and should never be compromised unless it's a life and death situation. I cancelled a few important commitments in the morning to have this rehearsals , nevertheless I ll gather things around and pick it up right from where it's left.
I hope the lack of punctuality trait doesn't lead to unfriending and blocking some good ppl from my life. I hope I gather courage to speak up what upsets me and let them know that this thing is non compromisable. Period.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Musical evening...

Tuesday noons are relaxed and hence any off track plan to be done happens today. So after a hectic morning routine , breakfast with dad , gym and lunch I was resting and going to take it slow however slow isn't meant for me ever I guess. My dear friend visited me to talk talk and talk more. We listened to music Classic rock and blues from Simon and Garfunkel , Ravel Bolero , BB king, Tribute to Led Zeppelin to nirguni bhajan by Pt.Mukul Shivputra, hori by Kalapini Komkali , Return of Shakti unplugged with Zakir Hussain to popular music... He decided to break his fast and I decided to pamper. It gives utmost pleasure to feed a hungry soul. He binged and hogged and I was happily tossing food from plan to his plate. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach they say... Well it is too bookish a comment... There is only way to anyone's heart I guess and that is Food. Lol... Food bonds us binds us thickens us mends us bends us... I am glad We looked up researched and discussed his forthcoming lifestyle change with Ketogenic diet that he is ready to adapt for good. He is teaching me to be unashamedly brutally honest about strengths and weaknesses...  It was an amazing evening filled with laughter , fun, aromas, tastes , music , talks , food and warmth. I am one blessed soul and so is my friend... We are lucky to have each other in our lives. I also got the new year message by my Guru and Sadguru around the same time. Such a fabulous timing. Pondering over the message.... Until next post. Bbye!

Monday, January 16, 2017

Some things take time...

My Guruji has highlighted the point of accepting change as a huge part of evolving spiritually in his recent talk. This made me ponder over what changed... To my surprise I ve loved the game of chucking off useless nervousness bouts by mentally saying a few things like
'How does it matter?'
'Atleast give it a try...'
'**** it, let's do it'
'Hell with everyone else if it feels right, go with it'

Eg.A few years back.... I hid in oodles of clothes feeling conscious at the cost of it coming in the way of my training... Lose fitting trousers and over sized tees meant I would never see if my form was correct and if I felt tight and toned after a session... I stopped that...
The day I invested in the right gear I loved the joy looking the part and feeling everything a workout had to offer... Looking great validated the fact that I wanted more of it and was ready to put it more efforts...
Just yesterday I wore a crop top anticipating a cardio session... On reaching the gym trainer declared we would do hard core functional training and no machines
I had to jump kick and squat and bend and do burpees and mountain climbers.
I went into a nervous spiral down thinking my midriff and my waist would show and I got conscious.
Just then my conscious said **** it just do it. Crop top or not midriff or back whatever shows or hides or is seen what matters is your effort and Who is watching doesn't matter
The trainer is like a doctor knowing every inch of fat or muscle under the subcutaneous layers....
The minute the fear of judgement disappeared I became free of nervousness and had a fabulous workout.

Once while running on an incline my Capri tights rolled down my butt in a gym full of people. Imagine that happening. I was in full speed running and couldn't have done anything but pull them up and keep going taking care that it doesn't happen again. And even if it did it was a calculated risk... Faux pax happens to everybody
Had this happened to me a few years back as at a unisex timing the gym I would have ran off never to return again... But things are different now.

I realised I needed to get way more confident and comfortable of what I have and in my skin.
I would never have thought of going out of my comfort zone ever a few years back.  Going out for social events , speaking out in public expressing myself without any fear would be extremely difficult.
I wonder where these inherent fears came from.
But what's past is past. Today there is a different picture and I am happy to see what I look at.

Self love is extremely underrated. I was warned ridiculed and judged because I put up a few pics of mine which weren't upto the societal conditioning of my parents. I didn't back answer though I maintained my stance and posted what I wanted. This lead to a sense of liberation underlined with a bold line of taking full responsibility for my actions.

That night I was questioned and taunted with sarcasm for having a late night out and because I stayed at a coffee shop late and chatting just because I wanted to and there was so much to share and there wasn't a need for me to be present in the house really. As far as safety is concerned, anything can really happen anywhere . Why live in fear? Why not spend time with a friend who helps you grow ? Why not invest in yourself and people who add value to your life? Who is answerable to whom? All questions have case specific tweeked and manipulated answers...

I am headstrong on living my life on my terms.
Yes I have a family , yes I am a responsible mother partner daughter (in-law) etc. But above all I am a human first. My first commitment and first love will always be MYSELF.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Chukila maafi nahi!

Afterthoughts...
One may be very polite kind gentle giving and non judgemental.
I hate to expect anything but punctuality from anyone. 
One may screw up at odd places and all places in the world but, dude one needs to respect TIME...
One may give someone benefit of doubt and second chances...
But least one can do is count on given word and commitment
And I say this from experience.
I have immense respect for living and non living world and I come from a place of co-living harmoniously without messing into each others lives. Live and let live is the motto I vouch for.
However if any acquaintance/friend/lovedone/family/human falters in commitment,  fails to keep time or rather cancels plans, I mentally disconnect and detach. Though I have evolved to learn to not take things personally , some people might have genuine issues of time management or some last minute problem or maybe being on time is not in their system or habit. I consider it as a disrespect to one of the most precious irrevocable resources TIME. It would take a lot... A LOT for anyone to make up to me and in my inner circle if this is not respected. Life goes on, moves forward. Moving on is easier for a seemingly detached person. With the kind of mentoring my Guruji is bestowing me with along with sadhana, I can humbly say that I want to go beyond MATTERS.... how, what, when why and all other questions....
Thank goodness I am blessed to be able to reach every single place earlier than the decided time. I feel responsible and convinced that no matter what work , it has to have a deadline. 
I am very sure of being friendly with a person who has disrespected TIME, however, it would be difficult to be friends or remain friends. Who knows? Kal ho na ho.... I have my NOW and I am going to make sure I am going to rock it. 
Tasmay Shree Guruve Namah

Keeping at it...

Yesterday was a superlatively engaging day! It is indispensable to post about it since it lead to a few insights and paramount  divulgations. A one on one private class on a holiday means a relaxed one post breakfast where the student and I go deep into practice and learning for an hours slot time per student who books a one on one class... However it was tad bit stressful to have a breakfast class at 8 am which meant morning chores , domestic stuff had to either shift early , wait or get juggled throughout the day! Plus it pains to have students arrive late for a preplanned class. I am ready set and waiting at the studio at 7.55 am sharp, the student arrives at 8.23 am. I wonder why and how can people be unapologetic about using up other's time and devalue it. Plus giving what I promised is in principal my responsibility. I still am about to be unbashfully brutal and stop the class at 9 am sharp saying that I was ready and my time is over. I need to unlearn somethings and start being assertively professional. I have taken some extremely expensive classes on a per sitting basis which cost a few many thousands per hour and the trainers do not entertain even for a second more than promised. When would I learn? Or do I need to? How vital is my time and how far do I respect it? How do I make people around me respect it equally. Who doesn't love a promising Saturday morning. This lead to a delay in my gym routine and I went in late and rushed through my LEGS day. Duh... I hate compromising on the fitness routine and have affirmed myself of getting my priorities in place. 

Post Gym was a new routine that I have recently set up for myself. Something which is extremely primary  and may be considered insignificant by myself in the past. I have observed a pattern in how my personality has come through. First being an only child meant that I had no exposure to physically challenging work/chores ever. All I did through out my childhood was dance sing play go to school and sleep. There was discipline , since I grew up with my grandparents but there were no domestic duties. We had help, even after marriage I have had help around and have never consistently needed to do housework. This may have (I suspect) lead to a sense of carefree divulging to a careless attitude in how I lived earlier. I ve cooked but I ve created unexplainable heap of vessels and dishes after cooking, I have never ever thought of any conservation strategy. I have put in 3-4 machine loads , have changed the sheets of my bed even twice a day and have maybe not given a thought as to I would have indirectly created tons of work which was completely unavoidable. Paying househelp doesnt mean I own them or they owe me to do more work every day even if I pay them really well or even double. A) Its such a gross loss of ecologically important resource that water is and also waste of Manpower and time. Why couldn't it occur to me early? B) Having the power to pay means it chucks out independence big time! I had maybe become lazy in the past few years! Throw m oney and the work would be done. C) The ample freedom to utilize the time saved by not doing these duties myself meant I kind of not took DOING NOW, GETTING IT DONE seriously.... I was this happy moody laid back self proclaimed artist who lived life on her own terms not giving a damn about anything.
Well, that needed a tweeking of sorts. I needed to Value Freedom and the amount of time in my hands to be proactively getting independent in Actuality and respecting Labor, I needed to treasure the freedom and this meant learning it the hard way.  There was a phase in life when I would go into mild depression when a maid wouldn't turn up, I would even pile on dishes till she came and would ask her I ll pay you more just get the damn thing done. I would store dirty laundry and put multiple loads for the day she arrived overburdening her. Then there was a phase where I cribbed and cried , but did the things and expected validation. I wanted to get praised for doing what I did. Ridiculously so did it mean I would invest the time gone in doing the house work for creating amazing art? No, ofcourse not! I would have slept or surfed or gone shopping had I been free. But I sulked. I burnt opportunities for temporary comfort.
So, I decided to do something about it. I decided to take  a full fortnight and maybe more if everything goes right of doing every single house work by myself, I started doing it without any prior training, exposure or preparation. I started doing stuff and with no complain , wanting to learn and get it done. first it took time, then it tired me too. Slowly as days passed I got habituated and then now it has come to a point when I am enjoying doing it. It acts like it is cleansing my system. I now value manpower more and have observed myself to be more efficient,  more creative , more productive and happier. I suddenly find my freetime has become precious and I strive to make the most to it!!! I value efforts , I treasure human presence. I now conserve resources and am discerning in planning my day and spanning priorities. Its a rule that verything appears difficult or impossible until its done. Slowly being at it continues to make us gain mastery over it no matter how. 
It blew my mind as to how difficult cleanning a milkpot is, and the amount of effort it takes to fold clothes which are tossed inside out... phew... careless was I, but not anymore! If took 5 secs to pour water in a tea mug I drank from so that it doesnt get dried or stained... I never did it earlier... now I do. Was there a need of changing sheets twice a day? no, now its gone down to once a day... Loads are lessening and the household is happy.

So after the routine household chores I decided to lie down for a while and in the noon there was a dove couple cooing and a crow screetching and the compound cat on the meowing prowl and also a drill in the wing next to us. I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds, there was no chance that I was going to get any sleep nevertheless I did just listen.... It was the noisy calm the enveloped me with the cool noon breeze. I was up in 30 mins without any compaint and NO snobbish sleep deprived mood swing (which was a regular fare earlier) ready to go. And the mood had to be set! Why wouldn't it be? After all I was going to see my most favorite person in the world, my Guruji. 

Evening was spent in spiritual bliss where my Guruji spoke about Duties,Responsibilities and Associated Guilt while living. It was wonderful to hear him speak about the equilibrium between Ego and Conscience and how we seek balance between being Indulgent and Drawing a line and enjoying freewill. He gave practical tips to move through this struggle with ease. It was followed by a fulmoon meditation which was very peaceful. I touched his feet , looked deep into his eyes and he asked me to come meet him soon. The smile just reassures and corrects all doubts and makes one blissful. 

Then I went to meet my dear friend AD. I ve written about him earlier. He was back from his helicopter ride around Everest and background study tour of mountaineering in the hills. He was full of stories of travel and philosophy. Its fascinating to hear him talk with such passion  for life and being inspired at all time. Time just freezes when he speaks. I met him at 9.30pm and left at 12. Only promising to meet again and soon to share more. Life is full of amazing friends meant to add on such value to living. I feel blessed. More about this meet soon!
Till then.... bbye!!!

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Mains of Stoicism with a sides of forbearance - a complete meal!

Silence is back in town
I come to know of it by an anticipatory breathless gasp I hear from around
Yes, back and how? Just for a while, to place a semicolon amidst long space bars of blanks...
Just before it leaps to an exponential jump to another time and place...
I wonder if it knows its own journey for I understand its futile to speculate
Between long pauses of uncertain conversations it abandons me for a while long enough to miss it 
But just not much so as to help me get used to living without it
Sweetly brutal phases of something I long for
I had decided to not miss it
I was determined to live beyond memories and adulations of  romancing something I can't have 
In addition to that I am so sure that Silence is completely love with itself and So am I
Two people who put themselves first and always so can never be attached was my idea
But I failed miserably this time... maybe like always... 
I missed it dearly and yearned for a meet with it...
Even a brief encounter would do. 
At a local place, social set up, public venue or even at someplace close , maybe close enough...
I am recurrently reminded of the gaps that it filled in the past , right upto the brim... 
But just until it was about to spill... But never did it drip a droplet below...
Full was an idea any laywomen would cherish, however I needed  complete, but I never asked for it...
I could never have, since that meant I had to tie it with a string of expectations
And I have claimed to be a nonstick vessel with a liberated soul
So much for a human ego that I could never even bent down to tell Silence that I was in love
And even if it was one of those love in phases or love to be forgotten or love to die a slow death, 
It was LOVE or maybe still is for heaven's sake
I convinced myself that I had no selfish motives and I would be the first one to confess
I believed that Surrendering came naturally to me since spirituality happened
Then why the suspense and now why this guilt trip?
I may have let myself down by getting deceived by a self mask
Maybe Silence has gone
Silence doesn't love me
Maybe Silence is a bitter truth
Silence is unattached 
Maybe Silence doesn't need me as much as I need it
Silence is old, elder , wise and experienced
Maybe I am too noisy 
I need to grow up...
I am missing it deep down and still am adamant about not letting it know...
Silence must not turn into noise 
It may come to me as sound
I may search for it in Music too
but, It resides in none...
I will wait...
I will learn to listen...

FOOTNOTES
------------------------------------------
Attachment doesn't work 
It never is supposed to work
Attachment to kids parents partners lovers spouses friends relations money fame popularity youth health life death any material or platonic hypothesis brings pain 
Attachments -> expectations -> pain 
Gentle loving concern, good will and unconditional acceptance will win even the most challenging quirks in life... 
Just a thought of pleasant pat on my back as I got over one Fear at this very moment...
Feeling weak is okay , to emerge a winner gives a fabulous high....
I felt hung up on a certain thing and thought I would attach myself there....
But no.... Great distraction at a crucial time worked wonders! 
Foot notes for a conspiring inspiration seeker is to keep creating stuff and shit and not give a fuck to whether people would judge...
Eventually after a while some stuff is called shit and some deep shit is called great stuff....
It's important to keep expressing...
Catharsis or not, let it flow to keep it flowing is the rule... 
No inhibitions 
No barriers
No masks 
It's important to feel, 
inevitable to deal,
Eventually time will heal ... 

- amen to experience! 





Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Shhhh.....

I am reminded of a calm face of silence today...
The glow, the mirth, the peace resembled nothing but oneness with his surroundings...
Oh, how I wish I could dig deep into his thoughts and know what it takes to be the way he was and many times still is...
I have seen the same serenity in his eyes that change color as the day rises and seasons change, I asked him how? And he smiled showing me that he loved that I observed...
I couldn't blush since I wanted to appear confident and inquisitive yet I must have let lose a few ounces of pink around...
Because after that he held my hand and squeezed it firmly and asked me if I could feel it...
I wonder why our eyes glistened with moisture and mouths filled with faint pleasant affirmation...
The energy the moment and us...
Nothing else mattered...
Maybe we are like this with many people at many times, some of us are like this with fewer people at fewer times...
And then there is that person who is like this only with one person for only that one time...
With no assurance that the time will return ever
No these moments can't be replicated ,replaced or recreated...
But they have changed me... From inside out...
Now I hear silence more clearly and am sold at its beauty.
Words are mere translations of what can be...
I want to be present , that's all I want...
I d hate to crib at a sunset that I didn't do enough or I couldn't go here or meet them or see this or eat that....
No I m not planning to go all over the place doing all things I can, but I am open...
To what experience is going to reach me...
And I can see a similar stance in snippets and bits all around me...
Right from my cook Darshana who incessantly chants Om Namah Shivay while cooking or while my granny knits one loop after another , twining her way to meditation yarns of comforting softness that no other pashmina could render...
I have been peckishly observant about how people around me grab their quiet in the daily humdrum, each one does, even Kanha becomes mum once in a while and I keep wondering what goes on...
I love the contrast of an lady doing the dishes right above our flat... Her utensils and the water can't get louder than her feeling.
The noon Azaan is on...
The sparrows chirping , some crows , my thoughts, somewhere some mushrooms gossipping feverishly to lull themselves to sleep and the room clock ticking quite loudly today....
My thoughts and heartbeats need syncing...
It was a gusty mighty rock n roll morning
I can laugh about the accidents that happened since dawn just because they aren't worth mentioning....
It's crazy how a day takes turns to tickle all the right bones in you...
Thank you Din...

Monday, January 9, 2017

Resplendent day...

Yesterday proved to be super productive with the kind of amazing work that was done in one day. Thankfully things run so smoothly like a blessing domestically as if Divinity magically removes any hindrances if any on my path. Help arrives in ways I can never even think about. I am happy to be open to this surge of positivity! That's the beauty of being an enlightened Guru's Disciple. As I ponder on various topics that my friend & I spoke about, about Spirituality, relationships, attachments, expectations, karma, payback , judgement in his studio, I now realize how beautifully gentle my own Guru has been in getting me out from any impact what so ever. The heaviness and the pressure felt was made aware of much later after I came out of the room filled with probabilities that might not have gone in my favor. I knew it right from the start about the impending trouble that might have occurred had I been fear based or without grace. I was well aware of the pressure, and knew possibilities of presence, however my soul guided me to stay put with conviction and confidence my Guruji has instilled in me. It wouldn't go wrong, my heart said. He had to open up his heart and let me know the on goings, my role was to be non judgemental, to listen with all my heart, to empathize and NOT ADVICE. I told him what my Guru says and his teachings. Not all but a part of what was relevant to the things he told me. He was mildly shocked, bit relieved , intrigued and shaken by a few things. Half baked knowledge is dangerous and can never give solace of wisdom from a realized master. I d love to elaborate the story that my friend shared some day. Just that I need it to simmer within and ripen until it takes form and shape on paper. Like wise is the story of a dear soul whom I spent time with towards the year end... That too needs to vent out. This time the stories may or may not come in form of not so tiny tales like last year or maybe they will. No anticipation.
I have to write stories about two doctor friends of mine. I am glad to have found a non fuss absolutely father figure in one of them. He is a friend first and a guardian later, his story might look plain but carries strong undercurrents of churning and evolution, The other Doctor is a childlike whirlwind, so dynamic , so intense and super emotional... There is a blossoming gym story branching at ever angle currently with respect to normal peeps, alpha males, oppressed females and liberated free spirits. No, the statement isn't one bit generic, I m glad I came across them and they opened up to me partially. I m curious to know how their story unfolds... Its enchanting to observe how intensely we feel compassion towards others lives when they share their tales with us!
As I sat today doing my morning riyaz and sadhana, my mind was flooded with those stories and people and I wonder why...? The fact that they surfaced at a most calm and quiet time proves that they need to be documented. 
As much as I treasure my solitude and love going solo, I have come to realize I am peoples person in a one on one setting. I have observed that I become very quiet and a bit in shell in a group. Any ways! There was a fresh whiff of air as my brother in law visited us last night from Dubai. Its warming when loved ones visit! I have come to liking people come over, 
Another long work day awaits. I have to keep my focus of a few things which I intend to do and get into action! Here I go.... 

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Monday is here!

Finally that early morning Riyaz is finally happening after the longest wait ever! Since I have managed to get up early, this means that my day begins early and much more is achieved. I cannot believe its almost 8.15 now and I ve done with Riyaz Sadhana woken kanha made garam phulkas fed him and made him go to school bathed n dressed myself waiting for breakfast and after that I m planning to hit the gym early,,, I ve come to believe that as the day passes ahead gym becomes more challenging... Well the menu is set on the white board, washing machine loaded and planner set for the day. what more can a Monday ask for...Had gone in to this fabulous regional organic crop fest from the farmers from extreme interiors of Maharashtra. Amazed at the incredible quality of grains, pulses, cereals and nuts at extremely affordable prices. I was like kid in a candy shop since the healthy eating switch that happened a few years back. From there  I met a friend after a long time (almost a year I guess). He had pinged me earlier in the day asking me how I was doing and about my plans for the day. He was kind enough to pick me up from the venue and then we sat down at his studio chatting away for good 3 hours. I am happy that we took off from where we had left. So much had changed since then and He said its difficult to believe that I am the same one he met a few years back. I am happy to hear him say that since it just reaffirms the turning of a leaf even more! Happy for last evening. Just that I wish to continue to be praying for him more now. Hope He finds relief and light. Amen

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Hair struggles in our lives


1) Conditioner and shampoo bottles get used up at varied timings... Always!
2) Good hair day and perfect pout lip color with additional gloss almost always coincide with a windy rickshaw ride where all we do is frantically close lips inwards and tightly  while tracing back the hair.
3) We find Bob pins when we search for safety pins and vice versa. We own 1 dozen packets but end up with none at the last moment...
4) In extreme summers in a moment of 'argh it is hot...I want to tie a high bun' we lose our last hair band and the wooly scrunchie lies wet on the bathroom floor!!!
5) Hair behave best when we are at our home in pyjamas and decides to go bonkers on date night or a festive function.
6) The cutest baby you enthusiastically picked up and the notorious aunt who is all touchy and feely always end up getting their hands in your well set hair! You have to appear smiling.
         As I sat in Bblunt getting my own hair done I was laughing out loud with such thoughts in my mind. Got  weird looks, nevertheless... All is well that ends well, spend a bomb to color treat and style those bangs but do have a good laugh while you swipe your card at the billing counter!

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Jumping jacks!

It's funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different. I remember this quote from somewhere and wonder how adaptive are we to change. I guess the minute there is a change there is some kind of fear in everyone of us. This year though I was prepared to turn pages and open new tabs to things which are flowing out and making a difference in life... As I moved on some things and some people came gushing back to me like sticky candy. You know sticky candy is not good for you but many a times you end up having it anyway. I am glad I now keep the sticky candy in a small non stick bag with me and look at it from where I am and smile. I let it not lure or tempt me and not even spoil my fingers , but I keep it nevertheless as a constant reminder that yes there is a situation that I may get myself in which would be difficult to come clean off. Highly diabolical memories , fear and attachments are to be weaned off and fresh crisp new outlook is embraced, I am on lets do it mode. Today in gym I was bored of doing the same alternate day cardio on machines , so I said lets do something different. As a personal preference, I hate running and jumping. One thing at a time , I did 300 step ups and followed it by 400 jumping jacks. My target was 300 but I made sure I did 100 more because i had the energy. My personal target for the month is to be able to do 1000 jumping jacks in sets of 250 without break by January end. Seemingly  not easy, but I ll make it happen and how,.. simply by doing it. My cook decides to return and now I take her back on my terms. Mind is a very good slave but a worst master.... with that I sign off this noons entry. (with a short note to reduce my ginger tea from 2 huge mugs to normal one cup from tomorrrow) since i have already had two today!
I am so much in love with the idea of LOVE!

Monday, January 2, 2017

Monday happenings from the view of a learner

So yes, I managed to cook for the family (except phulkas which mom was kind enough to send)
Sustainable breakfast, one ussal, one bean curry, dal rice , kadi, coffee. tea, setting yogurt n stuff...
Thankfully my switching to homecooked clean eating has helped.
My staple food intake is permutation combination from the following list - Indian Breakfast, Eggs, Soup (from the scratch boil blits flavor and eat style with no straining) , Salad (right from indian kachumbar to lettuce and cheese with freshly made dressings), vegetable Juice (Carrot Beet) , Fruit (Banana) , Bhaji (all) and Yogurt, A cup of tea, A glass of milk with nut mix and Lots of water. Higher hunger is responded with some soaked almonds and dry fruit snack. Treats are homemade laddoos and sweet meats in limited quantities. This makes my life pretty much sorted considering I dont fall in the jhol of eating Roti , rice and the works!
Visual documentation of  anything assures I get consciously aware of my own feedback.
A milestone crossed in gym. Today I pushed 15 + 15 kg dumbbells in the last of the set on a recline and an incline bench. My sets were 9-10-12.5-15 on recline first and then incline later each set of 25 reps, This makes 200 reps on bench which is kickass for me.
I followed it by reverse press , upright, overhead, front, side , cable raises 3 sets of 25 each and peck deck 4 sets of 25 each which made it a mind blowing workout. (specially after the waking early and cooking, a little bit of stress and overwhelming added to it)
I couldn't get myself to sing and crashed on the bed for one hour after shower and woke up to type and do some more kitchen work.
phew it is going to take sometime before I become a Pro. Till then I will hang in there and keep Doing! Off for dance class. Hope this year treats me well!

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Page Turns for a self proclaimed domestic goddess!

Its the official first workday of the new year. My trusted maid/cook left for a stable job near her place. I am left with a relatively mundane task of cooking everyday as a need vs mood. Nevertheless with the renewed vigor and energy I am going to go for it till i find a new one. One good change for this day is that Kanha cub is slowly getting independent, Learning to wipe his tush post potty and eats one meal per day on his own leaving me a tiny margin to write this post. I have decided to stop making excuses as far as possible with respect to eating, exercise, cooking, sadhana, music and teaching. Rest of the things will be taken care of. Small things like closing and making the kitchen spic and span before I call it a day has become a chore. It was done by the maid. Rofl , talk about how much I invested for being lazy. It may bring sense to my reckless living phases and bring a calming balance and so called 'theheraav' Small things that I find boring like shredding coconut , peeling garlic, making butter are mini milestones that need conquering and habituation. As I type this, my eyes are set on today's menu and voice practice which has to happen before I go and award myself a workout. When things that give me a high are turned to awards, I may overcome seemingly boring tasks seriously. Anything for THE THING THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. Until next post (which I suspect may be in noon) I sign off...

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Trust me...its real

People love the Full Moon Night, and I wonder why this bias? 
I believe my beauty has nothing to do with or without the presence of an attention seeker
Because I am deep , dark , mystic, romantic and cold
My body bejeweled with sparkling twinkle
I lit up my black, sprinkling it with crushed diamonds from near and far
Sky is my breath, and light my lover that I meld into & Horizon, my bed 
My home, this vast expansive infinitesimally non ending space 
There are strings attached, and forces too!
Some distant, some near, some attracting others crashing
I have mini affairs with other sources but return back to my light
He makes me feel home
I look on when a star dies , like cells in a live body and earthlings below...
Yes a black hole same color as mine and the same shade of grief...
Enlightens me about about this circle
Galaxies are distant families, planets from other solar systems relatives
Their suns, my fantasies... Some supernovas my flings...
I wonder why they came up with the term one night stand
I laugh aloud at the negative glory they embark upon my existence 
Standing or lying down happen, also in broad day light
Silly them...
Nevertheless I am happy taking the blame off my love for good...
People who come for star gazing are my favorites
They admire my ebony aesthetics and I gift them my best animation ever
Bring on the shooting starts, asteroids, comets and the works
They applaud, I smile...
flashing my constellations for people who know or pretend to
Yet I yearn to meet and dissolve in the day on our fixed date every time...
He is bright and handsome and motivates the mortals  
While I bring solace to the artists and the misfits
I behave differently with different beings
I flirt with Mars and Dominate Venus
Some places, I abandon them for long,
These earthlings may have burdened my lover 
With smoke and chemicals and particles that kill
I too am un glorified with thefts and wrongdoings of human mind
But we , He and I are divine entities and we don't judge 
We will show up on our turns and won't fail or budge
I fade my cool into his warm embrace 
While he comes crashing on my lap to feel the breeze and rest
he and me Romance personified from the beginning of time till the end 
Which may never come, we rejoice because here or there in this world or that
No matter what , only love is real, just love is real, trust me, love is real!!!


Dreams continue...

Yesterday my best girlfriend Luna Tai had come for a sleepover non ending talk session. I slept for sleeping sake but was vividly dreaming. I dreamt about an underground construction site full of bamboo stairs and step ups to go up and down. I also dreamt of a complete stranger and remember his name as Girish Kulkarni (not resembling to any Girish Kulkarni that I know of) and this stranger keeps following me at the construction site. I also saw that I am wearing heels and am finding it difficult to climb the flimsy bamboo makeshift stairways at the venue but at the same time I wondered why I wouldn't flung them off my feet in a jiffy (like I always do in a real life situation...) I also saw Kanha suddenly grown in body of a teenager but his face still baby like. I also saw my sister in law Mukta telling me it's normal for kids now a days to attain early puberty.
None of these events match nor make sense individually nor cohesively.
However it's important that I document them as a part of my journal.
Family returns back tomorrow so technically it's the last day of this year's solitude. What a blessing it's been. Amen to Now.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Weird dreams

Last few days have been encrusted with specifically out of the line dreams which I have failed to document but now I will and I must.

1)There was a dream where I found suddenly 5 infants living in my home and random objects moving like a cloth bag , a plastic cover , a storage box , a kitchen container , laundry bag... I near and look inside to find another toddler or kid or baby coming out... My house is filled with a couple of dozens of children and I wonder why....
2) There was a dream wherein I am at the boutique of a well-known brand of clothing specifically known for their brilliant sarees
I am looking at their mini dress collection and wondering why they suddenly started doing one piece collection. I found a young girl looking at the clothes besides me in the boutique telling me in hushed tones that she has just come here to get inspired and is going to copy their style material and pattern to get the same pieces cheaper in price. I was calm when I heard her (not surprised)
3) In this dream I go to meet my childhood friend Sweta who in the dream is pregnant with her second child and is in labor. I am at an get together to which she suddenly turns up saying they have Cancelled the delivery because they aren't in mood. Gosh... The statement itself is hilarious and yet I am holding her baby at the next instant and wondering how did the baby turn up in my arms . Very weird dream.

I had to document these since I had a revelation of sorts with respect to people their addictions, baggage and attachments. I have kept meeting some fabulous old and new friends in the last couple of days thinking and feeling grateful to divinity for having make me come across them.

It's almost the last week (weekend) of the year and I am contemplating introspecting and thanking everything and everyone
I hope I get the strength to absorb the positivity keep creating and feeling inspired and acknowledge, recognise  and keep any negativity at bay. Having said that , my solo 9 days are blissfully centering and blessed by solitude.
So far going great!

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Day 17 - FB exile end

This is the dawn of the last day of FB exile and I am eager to log in tomorrow to see a familiarly unfamiliar world. :)

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Day 16 - FB exile

Finally another day to go for the 17 day final exile to come to an end on the 23 rd
I will be revisiting FB on 24 th. Its way past midnight and I am awake and pondering over many things. Of what it has taught me, given me or taken away? Actually nothing has changed but it's a wake up call to consider my time as precious and use it wisely. I want to be able to be fully aware and conscious about what is happening inside and out... I am thankful for this day for being fruitful and a happy too...
Firstly it was a matter of great pride and reassurance to see Kanha dancing so well in the Christmas carnival at his school. Then I think I did something impossible...  I went to the gym dispite the fact that we had woken up early and were sleepy. Came back to a healthy meal , Kanha's feeding and a 10 min nap and woke up to clear mess in the house since maids didn't arrive. Then woke Kanha up fed him his evening meal n send him to play untill which I packed their bags made coffee for Kanha and did the laundry. After they left for their flight I cooked upma watched TV and Chromecast chatted And now calling it a day!
I feel happy and satisfied about today. I feel I am blessed.
Amen

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Day 15 - FB exile

I was immensely sleepy but woke up with a teeth grinding sound. Kanha cub's first milk tooth is about to fall off and hence the sound. It was spookily un-nerving. I felt guilty of having spanked him for throwing off a morsel of food from my hand. His tantrums and my temper will need more management henceforth. I must bring more ease and less technology around myself when he is around. I have realised that I ignore him if I am talking to someone over the phone or chatting on whatsapp. I must reduce and start focussing on one thing at a time. Why do I do the circus of feeding him while typing when the T.v. is also on. No need to multitask - note to self.
I lost my temper at mom for a domestic matter.
The reason was a coagulation of frustration because my trustworthy kitchen manager is leaving for good. For a job near to her. What upset me that in spite of paying her 10k for 3 hours of work , she isn't ready to stay back. I wonder if I can even retain her with 12k since she told me her expectations are 15k. For 3 hours of cooking and kitchen management is ridiculous. But it's a matter of habituation trust and confort. If I go to calculate 500 per day comes roughly upto say Rs.140 per hour of labor which is okay and I must see the big picture.
If I can spend 12k on my hair treatment at B blunt or use a 1700 worth Body splash from Body shop or use a 1600 cream from forest essentials and also spend 800 per hour on Kanha's therapy plus pay close to 60k per month for his education then why do I think twice or thrice about a few thousands per month to a  maid. Mind knows , heart doesn't agree. Everybody tells me that I can maybe get 3 maids in 15k rather or a full time one in 12k. I must decide and take plunge if need be.
It's like my whole world depends on it... Like, really? Lol... Hell no.... Who knows, I might really turn out to be India's answer to No ;)
I haven't wished Mom and Dad on their 35th year wedding anniversary. I am stating facts without attaching feelings to it. One may choose to say certain things or note down for reference , rememberence or pure documentation. There are no positive or negative feelings attached to the above fact.
I spoke to a few close friends over the phone about Music , life, philosophy and general What's up in each others life.
Also received the delivery of a fresh batch of zingy sauces and fiery wok mixes for impromptu cooking. I rearranged my herb basket and refilled the fresh produce
Yesterday was iceberg lettuce olives tomato onion with sweet chilli and siriacha dressing
With Broccoli tomato beet soup.
Today was Cottage cheese, olives , basil, sultanas , tomato onion , dry oregano and peri peri with English mustard dressing With Oyster mushroom and spinach soup.
Winter is getting exciting food wise.
New experiments await. I love the happenings in the kitchen at the same time I am nervous about the cook. God save me and remove me from this misery. Like Dear AD says, it's the monkey in the head that's miserable, not you. I must learn I must grow for good. It's almost 2 am and I am typing away in half sleep. I must also mention about some videos that I watched on YouTube. They were about Teens turning into parents, about cosmetic surgery and look manipulation , augmentation of body and enhancement of features gone from right to left extremes.
I also saw videos about Transgender world where I watched the interview of Buck angel a transgender pornstar, born a woman turned into a man with a vagina.
Gosh! no one would believe he has a female sex organ , he looks that manly. Balian buschman originally a woman athlete operated to be a man and now celebrity transgender reformer and speaker has had the penile implant.
Men looking better than what men could ever possibly look and over whom any woman would fall for...
Born as a woman!!! Why?
Why would they choose this for themselves in their blueprint ?
What are their lessons?
What experience do they seek
Such hot hot guys...I read something interesting in an article...It says that we are reborn many times...Often of the same gender.   Then when it's time to change genders, we are born for three or four births as transgenders or homosexuals as we get used to Opposite gender....
And it says that therefore at any given time on earth 5 to 10 percent people are gay or Transgender or lesbians ...As they slowly get used to changing sex.  And are always misunderstood and condemned by the rest of the world.
It really opened my eyes to the existence of these people.
Also realising that one day in some life we too will be them.
Having said that I feel completely focused and confident of my feminine side and wouldn't want it any other way than being a woman atleast in this lifetime. Well for next, I trust my higher self to take the right decision. Signing off...
Curious bird.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Day 14 - FB exile

They say we have our own moments of weakness and victory. No one is spared. Unless we choose to make them learning moments and move on. Moving on and letting go has been the vibe since the last few days and more so in an increasing graph of sorts. Old energy , stagnated beliefs , people who drain you, people who put their garbage dump on you, people who are bored , everything and anything which gives a sense of non belonging needs to go, get off and discarded. New year is meant to be a new page and a new leaf turned. Why hold on to a frail connect which might have a better future if it shrivelled and fell to ground. Chances are that new associations would bring an air of freshness. Not letting go needs huge unlearning. Why the idea of comfort of an old tie threaten us into an idea of discomfort just in anticipation of what could it be without it. Well, for all we could know it would really mean we move a notch higher for good. Why not embrace what's new and fresh and be open to working with it. Threats don't work in the positive world nor does fear. Recycle Renew Refresh Reinvent Revolutionise Recognise Reform Rejoice Rewire
I am going to let it flow. I believe that I am meant to be guided well. I trust the Divine.
- God's child

Day 13 - FB exile

Yesterday had a gorgeous evening with my dear friend AD at the organic Gourmet food festival at the Sofitel lawn. Amazing dips, trail mixes, home made sauces, fresh seasonings , jams, honey, breads, wine, teas, infusions , ceramics, cruelty free make up, all things pretty, wooden frames, cold pressed Juices and yum stalls all unified under one title Eating and good life. And then there was ambient lighting, cool evening breeze, well dressed people with elegant tastes and live guitar playing. How better can it get! I had the best time , tummy full and heart filled with glee.
I am so glad I went and returned full of jolly good energy and the taste of amazing hummus and jasmine blend on my tongue. What a life. Today too I made it up a notch higher than yesterday by getting up half an hour early. I aspire to get this time preponed so that I get good two hours before I begin my day... So much to write but I am sleepy. So night night...

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Day 12 - FB exile

I am zoned out today. Since yesterday. We had to drop Kanha for a birthday party yesterday at Santacruz West. We planned to drop him and catch up with each other over a coffee (which I don't drink) or some snacks. So husband took me to Theobroma near 15 th road. It's much unlike the pretty n quaint one near the town side. This one is crowded and busy and the temperature and the lighting is all wrong. For me personally ambience matters as much as the food. Firstly I am not much of a bakery person and then again I hate where there is no connect between people who talk due to too much noise and crowd. The Tomato , sundried tomato and goats cheese sandwich I ordered was Yum yum yum... The rum n raisin browny was overtly sweet to my taste.
Husband ate chicken mayo roll (white bread) , super sugary hot chocolate and also red velvet the cup cake (which was good)
During eating our conversation headed to how I have a secret dream of hosting a Food show like Nigella Lawson to which Husband said if I did I'd look like Rakhi Sawant. ( I have been compared to her another time as well which I happen to remember) To which I didn't react. I smiled. A smile is a response and not a reaction. I don't let non positive things brew inside , so blogging about it is a way of venting out. I may choose to say that it hasn't affected me in noticeable ways. But somewhere I am concerned about how some people visualise other people. I am at a stage where I am at peace with my own self and at complete satisfaction with my health and happiness. I love the way my life is working out and super happy about my journey of learning.
I am no one to judge Himanshu , Rakhi Sawant, Nigella Lawson nor myself for anything.
We are on our respective journeys.
Just that, some statements stay with us for life. Much like glass markers permanently etched meant to stay for good. (Our picture of the café titled surprise date with wife is getting close to a couple of hundred likes on Facebook he says. I am happy to hear this.)
Love is what I want to feel give receive and spread. And I am going to be doing just that.
Amen
- Bird who doesn't yet know it's free...

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Day 11 - FB exile

It's already past 10 days and I don't believe that I have made through more than half the estimated exile. I happened to attend a concert yesterday evening and loved only one performer in it. She was the youngest and quickest dusky grace that lit the stage on fire. It had other two performers who were seriously mediocre in presentation specially so in front of the dance goddess that I loved watching. Happy to have seen an act so perfected and brilliant after a long time. I hope to watch more of her and experience the magic of art unravel on stage. Not taking names keeps ambiguity afloat as well as curiousity up.
So far so good.
Free bird.

Day 10 - FB exile

Ahh... Yesterday got to me. Got so busy in doing stuff and managing things that I had no energy to type a post by 12.15 am when I returned back to bed. Even today it's been crazy since morning. I am on a cleaning spree. I would however like to note that while doing stuff recently I try and multitask by putting up some interesting motivational inspiring video on YouTube and put on my wireless my ear phones. I like to own my time and royally. One thing I am learning for good is not having to justify actions that give me heartfelt happiness or joy. I am glad I called in my new friend home and He and I had such a fabulously deeply reassuring , inspirational conversation. I am touched by the warmth and the mirth that he exuded and I consider a blessing having him around. And for a fact that if  someone's company gives such positivity, if I can be myself and not get conscious that's a sure shot sign that the person is for keeps.
I am going to value a few good souls I am coming across and enjoy their presence and our experience till it is destined to last. I am not going to owe an explanation to anyone as to why I want to meet and talk to a certain person and listen to lectures about leading my life on someone else's terms.
Facebook exile happened for good maybe something nice is going to come my way... But not being a puppet in someone else's hands is a personal choice.
I feel empowered and this feeling is worth a celebration.
I am discarding any staleness or impending sluggish energies around. Choosing to stay away from negativity and am going to go ahead and keep living my life and making it happen. Hell with people with baggage. If you wanna rock I ll give you a hand and let's party. I am certainly not going to be a part of anyone's sulk game...
Life's looking up.
I am here to stay and smile.
Signing off
Free bird.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Day 9 - FB exile

Another day full of smooth events. Today was special not only because the Leg and bicep day @gym coincided with the day Uno of menstrual cycle, but also for the fact that I did not let that deter my enthusiasm or efforts in completing the pre planned workout. So it was 400 full throttle squats along with a hundred each of leg press, calves, hamstrings, glutes, bicep curls, bench curls, hammer curls, single arm concentration, bench biceps done to the T and as per the instructions of my Trainer. I didn't crib at all though I was a bit irritated at the blasting speakers and A.C. temperature  inside. My smart trainer sensed my irritating and switched off the speakers and took me out in the open for the rest of the workout.
I am on the top of the world for mixing a fab bowl of Iceberg Olive tomato and onion salad with minimum dressing and a cheese slice which turned out to be brilliant.  What a fab lunch. This was preceded by the fabulous Gond Laddu by my Granny. My noon was made. Caught up on a few winks around 10 mins of quick nap. Kanha came from school in a good mood , fed him and made some kadak adrak wali chai for myself and granny. Post that went out to fetch some veggies and get some fresh air. On my way back played with Kanha and other building kids in our play area. Came home to meditate , chant and get centred after I lit the ghee lamp and the dhoop making the most of the evening. Had a bowl of fresh Tuwar curry and Yogurt (full of protein)
Added on a face mask and a DIY cream massage while watching some inspiring YouTube videos on chromecast. Now popped my calcium , freshened, cleaned, brushed and dressed for bed I have husbandjis plate ready and served in the kitchen platform. His night dress ready on the couch. I hope he returns before midnight and catches on some sleep since it's a big day tomorrow. We have our first ever open day for Kanha cub in his school.
All well for today. I will do one more thing before I sleep. Connect with Guruji , write to him and then call it a day.
Ciao...
Singing Bird.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Day 8 - FB exile

Today I felt heavy when I woke up. As in heavy in spirit. However I was determined to pull through the day in the best way I can... Gym happened well with 100 percent credit to my trainer who pushed me through with all his might. A milestone passed as I did chest press variations forgoing the dumbbells And using barbell with plates. My best was 12.5 kgs in each hand. Today with total 50 kg plates on the bar I surpassed last times threshold with double weight and full force. I couldn't have been happier. Though the happiness didn't show on face. Came home to a solid meal of robust one dish green peas Usal
And fresh yogurt. Protein quotient up, I Watched back to back episodes of Under the Gunn Project Runaway. Then slept like a baby for an hour. Woke up , fetched Kanha, fed him got ready and travelled to class shivering in cab. Yes the chills revisit. Class was good but long and way back pleasant. Returned home to a noisy interior and underfed Kanha. However let him be thinking he would ask for more food if he was hungry. Ate n now almost sleepy again.
I promised Guruji to write to him every single day. I know how important is staying connected to divinity is. Tomorrow is leg day in gym and I am cringing right now at the thought, though I pledge to give my best. It's a do or die and I am gonna rock. Cancelled my singing class only because I need time to introspect about so many more things, read write draw paint cook or just reorganise and stare into nothingness. I love this non FB phase. I am starting to get used to it. I thought fear deep down of not feeling like returning back to social media at all... I may. I love the fact that I have special people connected with me in so many ways. Kind hearted brilliant souls. I am super blessed. Muaaah to life.
- Singing Bird.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Day 7 - FB exile

I am prone to winter chills and today was a day when I woke up to get a shiver and a really bad one at that. Chills leave me a bit derailed both physically and emotionally in a way that I am deterred to venture out that day for anything at all. So here I am slowly trudging through the chores for the day and cautiously measuring my steps. The energy is low, throat pain and a runny nose... I am yearning to go and workout but my body is aching. The constant struggle between the body and the mind is at an all-time high. And guess this time I may let my body win. It's one of those days when I am not even up to make myself a cup of tea. Well, I did manage to finish some pending paperwork and a few important phone calls. I prayed today. I lit up a few fancy incense and ghee lamp and felt better. I reconnected with people whom I thought I had left behind by messaging them and letting them know I am there and I care. A dear friend have me a pep talk call and cared to be a phenomenal listener. I vented out to him and then chatted some calming Gupshup for quite some time. Feeling nice! I can hear the noon Azaans from two masjids nearby... The clock is ticking loudly in the room. And I can even hear my own heart beat. It's incredible how awareness calms us down... I love my life and everyone associated with it. It's still cold. But I have a warm lamp lit deep within. It's comforting. I am blessed.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Day 6 - FB exile

So, today is my blessed day. I get to meet the anchor of my life, my God, my Guruji Naushir.
Not much happened , I anticipated great sleep but the driver toli in the compound decided to talk about demonitisation and joke loudly not letting me sleep. I goofed up forgot to take the gift I had carefully kept ready for a birthday party that Kanha was supposed to attend. Poor husband had to drive back home to collect it and he didn't utter a word nor he got mad.
Class was good with two new Admissions. Completed a choreography on a Baithi thumri to my full satisfaction. Happy for today. I binged today since it was my cheat day. Binged on home cooked food though. Much happened and I talked to my heart's content with him. Glad to know from him that he is happy to see me on the right track in the spiritual journey.
I am sleepy and am going to end this post without any drama. Goodnight world.
Singing Bird

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Day 5 - FB exile

As I sit breathing peacefully in a clean calm cosy and comfortable home on a Sunday noon where the morning hustle has just faded , maids gone , husband and son off for their fun date, I m sitting here counting my blessings. It is so calm here that I can even hear the silence. The occasional crows here and there , the whistles of the rice cooker on the floor below, the Sunday chicken smell from the flat above, while my place smells of 'bhimseni kaapur' , real loban incense and ghee diya. It is a perfect setting for chanting or meditation. How I wish... This space looks like a freshly bathed n swaddled baby wrapped in a cloud of Johnson fragrance and a tiny 'nazar ka Kala tikka' on his forehead.
I get ready to go out for visiting the children's literature fest which Sathe boys are attending to say a casual Hi and feed them lunch. Post that I leave for Dadar to shop for necessities. Yes some good old vasai , palghar fresh produce which relies on community supported farm projects. It's awesome how much greens the season brings. Everything is crisp. The raw green 'tuvar dal beans' the raw rajma with the bean , the fresh turmeric , the gooseberries, the colocasia , the juiciest pineapples , the 'nagpur oranges', the 'achari mirchi' I go berserk with choice and fill 4 huge cloth bags full of flora and lunge around to go to the gannewala guzzling down a full glass of freshly squeezed sugarcane Juice to feel energised and then trod the busy Sunday noon fashion footpath of the other side... It's amazing to see the enthusiasm of Mumbaikar's to forgo their post lunch siesta and decide to shop with conviction. From diamonds to chaddis , you name it and Dadar gives it to you. I hailed a Kali peeli and went to the rustic quieter east Dadar Hindu Colony to pick up Nani dear from my aunt's for her routine winter stay.
I go, do some amazing Mahila gossip about maids and relatives, hear inside jokes and non kept secrets from them over adrak chai. Then Maasi wants to give some stuff with Grandma to which I say let's go! So Maasi and I go and shop Some more at Dadar TT. We return and call for an Uber and travel with tons of Gupshup, Nani and I. Returning home with bags full of produce the rest of the evening is engaged in cutting cleaning and sorting veggies and fruits and putting them in proper storage bags to last.
Phew, I make tomato omelettes for dinner serving them from pan to plate good old Sanskaari Gruhini style. And then take a nice hot Nilgiri bath to soothe my nerves and settle to type. It's been a busy and productive day. This weekend was brilliant. I am awaiting to meet my Guruji tomorrow. New week... New plans... I did miss FB once today but didn't feel tempted. So long till it lasts... I crave for something sweet . Hopefully a haldi dudh will suffice or shall I call 'Turmeric Latte'.
Goodnight
- Singing Bird.

Friday, December 9, 2016

Day 4 - FB exile

I watched Dear Zindagi a week back. And I realised what a stressful childhood can do to one's adult life. I also realised my own childhood which was torn apart between two homes of parents and grandparents. About how I could hold ground to none of these houses and had nothing to be called a home. The primary reason why I married very early in life was because I wanted to settle down , for the first and the very final time. Little did I realise that there are many settling and unsettling phases in life and what happens between them is growth. Well, if we take it that way. The reason why I am deliberately letting my mind ponder over past because I don't visit there often (which is great by the way) however in this journey of finding time it's natural to go back and revisit the bygones. I have developed a wonderful habit of watching atleast one TEDx talk everyday. I find them extremely thought provoking, knowledgeable, uplifting in many ways and inspiring too. They talked about how bring loved unconditionally and profoundly in childhood leads to the development of strong immunity towards stress induced repercussions. The loved kids have a natural tendency to remain more calm and relaxed than the rest. That's not rocket science at all, but it's strange why I didn't think about this logically . I guess parenting sometimes is heavily laced with serious philosophy that we have seldom forgotten to bloody enjoy being parents. To find happiness in being around our babies. At the same time I came across a workshop review of a dear friend who worked on an important principle of Non-violent or compassionate communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg in the early 1960s.
I recollected as to how I wasn't deeply heard with full concentration by my parents and that need lied unfulfilled till now.
And I was doing the same mistake with my child. I overlooked what he said. I wasn't listening. I was habituated to hearing. I wasn't responding, I was just reacting (again an episode repeat) but the loop had to stop. I need to unlearn and start listening and responding to what Kanha says. I need to focus on the feel world. Be more gentle whenever I can and create tons of FOND memories for us. I need to balance the game of NEED and STRATEGY without confusing the two to be one.
I started by slowly removing stressors. Eg. He hates to drink milk or flavoured milk that our tradition teaches us to make kids have before school. I tried a glass. Then reduced it to half. And then to no milk because he cried every morning. Why don't kids have a choice of what to have. I am going to try cornflakes with nuts or maybe a fruit or dates if they work but for the time being it's nothing.
He likes to sleep after he bathes in the morning. I try n get him ready 10 mins early so that he gets his blanket time.
If we can work things around a bit why not?
We do that for our friends n coworkers don't we? Then why not for our children?
Earlier I had decided the eating schedule as to when to eat what. Now I ask him, if he wants rice n dal or roti subzi or fruit or a snack.
He tells me and I do the needful .
Why can't he decide what he wants? And I have stopped shoveling food in his mouth. I stop the minute he says he is full and I believe him when he says he is not hungry and doesn't want any food at all.
I found joy in embracing my motherhood by respecting him and enjoying his presence without entangling myself in chores. The more I think about it the better I get going through as days pass.
Same things apply to humans whom I love being around. Deep compassionate ear and genuinely honest conversation where expression is made as if one talks to oneself is cherished.
I now know who I d like to spend time and thankfully I come to know about it soon. Being kind towards myself had reflected in my relations with others. I value meeting people and spending one on one more than mindless random activities. They also have importance at times and are desperately needed. But this... The one on one, the awareness, the empathy towards self and other is utmost important. Respecting feelings and not loading expectations is a sure way key to happiness. I may sound philosophical because that's what I actually feel right now.
Today was all about my Son.
And I am glad I found some amazing things within. It's a new day already...
Signing off.
- Singing bird

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Day 3 - FB exile

Yesterday was a series of sudden events which I refuse to call unfortunate since they lead to wonderful insights. I must document everything I have come across in this period since it's a journey of some realisation.
A) First the fridge has gas leakage and no cooling, so I have everything melting inside, the whole dairy stuff and the works, the chocolate stuff and then the degradable Stuff uff... I was up heating everything or running to neighbours embarrassingly seeking some space in their cold space (err. Psychologically where no one likes to be :P)... The taxing task of emptying the fridge comes with the inspection (i know from experience) so I kept it empty n ready for inspection. The fridge guy came and fixed the leakage n went. I am happy.
B ) There are days when the almighty tests us in ways we have no idea about ....  Second half of the day, I have everything turning to ice and  crumbles. All fresh produce turn into Ice... Phew... Again a frantic call to the fixers, again the circus of deloading the interiors, they come to tell me it's the thermostat problem.
They have it fixed.... I keep stuff back , this time haphazardly . No I don't have patience to organise things again... :(
C) Within this culinary accident there was another thing happening , we get an unknown call from a stranger from a bus telling us that our old maid was with her and she has had a convulsion while in the vehicle. They were dropping her to a stop with an accompanying lady. So we go searching for her , return home without any trace and worried our maid calls us from Mahalaxmi station saying She couldn't fathom how she reached there. We instruct her how to return back to her house at chuna bhatti praying that she keeps conscious and aware.
D) In the mean while I somehow manage my workout , some morsels of food and rearranging stuff around the house and a bit of unplanned singing (which is not practice by the way) And I am exhausted and need sleep. Kanha comes in from school sleepy , refuses to sleep and passes out on my lap.
E) I also happened to come across a human who has been slogging his ass off to achieve his goals by taking one project at a time. More about him in a later post since he deserves to have a separate one dedicated just to him... This time it's fasting for preparing for his everest expedition. Not one or two but a mega 28 days. He is on the 10 th day by the way and as sweet and composed as he could ever be. Only water occasional flavours added by a few drops of lemon or green tea. I am fortunate to have listened about his experience and journey close and am so inspired by him. Respect!!!  This man is on a mission and I am in awe of him and his determination and above all the way he looks at life...
I am blessed to have found a great friend in him.
F) I am dreaming more vividly relevantly and being able to recollect my dreams after I wake up... They appear unrelated though but I must mention things I remember since now my brain has space to store more and hence feel more.
A dream about meeting my ex-students in dance and they were rude to me (duh...) , a huge Custard apple is what I am recollecting. I don't know why? Maybe I ll get some link at the end, or maybe not ( I dont even like Custard apple) .
G) My friend and I have been discussing more about the importance of journaling and physical manifestation of energies in visual format. I have been colouring , doodling and writing as well as taking pictures of my culinary experiments .
I wish to take it up seriously though as an important habit to follow... I also wish to have the immediate print camera that clicks and prints or maybe invest in a coloured printer.
H) I have been listening to atleast one TedX lecture per day to get inspired and keep going as to what people are actually doing and are kicked about . About stories of triumph and hardships. I watch very less television and have stopped reading news since last three years and I believe I am in a much calmer space. I guess we confuse information overload with knowledge and choose the former over latter which I guess even Google can do for us.
I am kicked about acquiring wisdom through experience as a determined theme for the coming year.
I hope I live up to it.
I must sign off for now... Ciao...
- singing bird.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Day 2 - FB exile

It's said that men and women have varied responses to escapades of intimate gratification. Mutual union results in the release of hormones which are comforting for both however the responses triggered by them are startlingly different. While men are lulled back to sleep, post coital scene is all pepped up and fresh for women. Just like alcohol gets some humans all excited and blabbering while some prefer to keep it low and yet others go on a downward spiral. I was thinking about how various actions lead to different emotion centres lit up in our brain. And then there is writing. After finding 'time' in life and after long I wrote with a longing to put down my thoughts. The brewing started early in the morning as soon as I woke up to find nothing to click and log on to and no attention seeking notifications and no timeline to scroll. There were no Memories to revisit and re-share and no video line ups to play un-mindfully.
Without sounding too braggish I would love to state the peace that the non - pinging exuded. Suddenly I had almost nothing to do... So gymming too went smooth with zero distractions.
So did the routine chores around the house and at work in the evening while the class was on. After class when I was travelling back home , I didn't frantically click on the blue icon with a red mark , instead I listened to music , mind you just music without the reading and typing deviation. Just when I got home , nom-nomed on some food and settled on to bed, I was astonished to see that it's just 11 and I am not falling asleep in front of an eye hurting screen light with ongoing messenger ticks. This lured me to open up the blogger icon and type, and how? Peacefully.... Thoughts clear, process streamlined, nothing crowded. It was in one flow... And just when I finished publishing one I thought I am good to sleep. I thought I am clean and poured out. But I was pretty much drunk up on words... I couldn't get an eye shut. See, the Social networking impact doesn't fade in a day... My body is used to staying up if not physically , but psychologically late... So I wanted to type more , write more and blog more .... Cathartic , yes but I wasn't let it get addictive. I slept over it... Though tossing and turning in bed, I let it brew till morning. I must have slept at 2 am and to my utter surprise I was up at 6.20 am fresh and raring to go... I wonder why... But I chose not to think about it. Finding leisure to do what I want to do is new. I must have done music at that hour but I didn't. I stayed with my eyes shut, doing nothing... Yes I was sleep deprived but I was awake as well. It was beautiful to listen to morning sounds... the water pump starting ,   Water gushing through the pipes as our night Watchman washed the building cars, the birds chirping, the azan from a nearby masjid, the shankh from the Vigneshwar temple and the train on rails which never makes its presence felt now was faintly audible, an occasional vehicle sound and the sound of peace...
I am blessed to have seen this day in a different light. I hope to sail through the coming days and I hope to sustain this force every single day till the 23rd. No anticipation, no pressure. Taking it one moment at a time. Off to my Karmabhumi. Tata!

Day 1 - FB Exile

I have been given an ultimatum by my music mentor about getting my act right in singing and regaining my focus on practice triggered me to take a sudden step. Yes I call it sudden because I haven't been able to take a decision and stick to it for long in spite of doing it for umpteenth attempts. Yes, a self imposed FB exile for 17 days. In comparison to Prabhu Ramachandra this is  miniscule and insignificant, however there may be many reasons to it. Why? I had tried to uninstall FB a zillion times in order to discipline myself with respect to better utilisation of an exhaustable non renewable resource  TIME. I have failed miserably everytime I planned it or impulsively went off it...
Now however is a different story.
Let me tell you about my Mentor.
A. He hates to be called a mentor and at the same time leaves no stone unturned to prove that he is One.
B. His dreams aspirations and responsibilities are laden on my wings and he has been providing me with all the necessary air and the muscle power for me to fly
C. I have been a tough nut and an extremely difficult child who refuses to pull her act together. Not that I can't, just that I haven't for reasons even I don't know.
D. He has been lenient with me and has taken things patiently even at times when I have kind of pressed a few wrong buttons.
E. He can get mighty possessive about his intern and can retaliate brutally until the task is complete and music happens. He hates my incessant posts , display pics and statuses updating everything on social media. He is like HOW DOES IT MATTER? and I awkwardly shrug with an IDK. When finds me online, late and chatting away or on WhatsApp beyond midnight , he gets furious, asking me why am I not getting sleep, why am I wasting time. I just don't have answers to his questions.
F. He has no personal agenda over my success in music though he likes to believe that both our lives depend on it.
G. It's a do or die situation he says and He constantly reminds me of the movie Whiplash. While doing that he has threatened to abandon me the minute he sees me off focus.
The list can go on beyond Z and yet there will be many points uncovered. I sometimes love to hate him more than I hate to love him for what he has done to my thought process as an artist. He is a teacher and a kickass taskmaster. 
The way he has disintegrated my beliefs in fragments that degenerate over time into gravel n sand n dust till I feel like null into a clean slate required to start afresh, I guess I don't even have the slate now, its just a void and a beautiful one I guess. Inspiration yes, influences no... Not for a place where I stand right now....
The way he taught me to unwind, no one else could....
Unlearning was a huge challenge and I gave him sleepless nights with baggage and forces which weren't even mine in the first place.
He kept hammering the walls every single waking moment and even while I slept peacefully , thinking about how I could get better and make music.
I was a difficult child to him, I call myself a child because I needed to be treated like one.
I trusted easily and I still do which he thinks is a huge distraction.
He taught me to say No to many things - unprepared for recordings , non rehearsed shows, less payments and non musical propositions in other expressive mediums.
He burnt in anger when I decided to act in a commercial play two years back saying it would affect my voice.
I being the rebellious me took it up anyways.
But after that I kind of mellowed down and started taking him seriously.
He did and is doing all of this at a time when his personal life is in shatters, professional life crumbled and finances crushed.
 I think about it from my safe n sound home , family and cosy surroundings I feel how could I take a blessing such as this for granted.
When someone who's suffering, chooses to stand by me for my progress, how could I irresponsibly shun it off and not take it seriously ?
Least he wants and only thing he wants me is to Sing. It goes unsaid that I must sing well and for that I must practice and for that I need time and to find time I must manage my schedule well.
He hates that I spend hours in the gym which he feels isn't needed.
However personally it's something I can't give up since I believe Gym is my Karma bhumi.
Where I compete with myself every single day and love to emerge a winner. It's a different high and I am addicted to that feeling and won't bargain anything else for it. It's my inspiration point. I feel powerful and centred after I finish my workout. It gives me reassurance about the fire I have within and won't give it up for anything in the world.
So the sweet thing that he is gives me an option to get up early and practice my voice lessons before gymming or starting my day.
This has to happen after the social networking sabbatical however I intend to start soon.
I have been struggling with sleep for the longest time ever and I guess the loop will be cut off with early morning riyaz. This way I get tired early n go to bed before midnight.
And what has this day brought to me...
Peace... Breathing and slowing down...
Pace has been non frantic and calm. And I love this mode and hope that I keep basking in it more n more. So end of day Uno.
P.S. My mentor detests Thank you and Sorry.
So can say neither. I d rather show him in actions and I know that he is watching over like a hawk and will definitely read this blog as soon as it's posted. Hope he doesn't get mad. 
Signing off...
- Singing bird.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Chale ?

Agar kahi mein gum ho jaau , to dhund lena mujhe
Magar usi waqt vapis aa jaane ki jidd Na kar baithna
Baithkar uus gumnaam jagah pe bagal mein mere
Shayad tum samajh paoge ,
Ki kyun aati hoon mein yahaan baar baar lagataar...
Iss gumshudi ke kohre mein khoye hue mujhe tum laut laana jab mein taiyyar ho jaau...
Shayad tum Kuch thik samajh paoge mujhe tab
Jab hum eksaath gum hone nikle

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Inhale...

BREATHE..... 
I love how places of worship create the perfect concoction of ambient comfort 
The temple... 
It's heady mix of flowers leaves , camphor, petals, dhoop , batti diyas, prashad, teerth laced with the tinkling sounds of bells and occassional arhythmic gong of the Ghanta
How could it ever go wrong???
A tad bit yes, if the mandir is of a celebrity idol like a Shirdi, Mahalaxmi or a Siddhivinayak and the lineage of superstar mega Gods
I always wanted to bottle this collective fragrance to take away with me for days when things go haywire to help recreate the feel good atmosphere...
I am intrigued at how I like the whiff of a fading diya until and after the moment it has completely extinguished , leading to a deep serious mellow fragrance...
Mind you its a different scent of a fading Oil lamp, ghee diya or a candle...
Wait and stand patiently until it blows off to witness the magic...
All three experiences uniquely alluring (at the cost of being labelled apshakuni mahila with weird fetishes like these)
I love the fizzy whiff a match exudes when it lights up.... ahhh... irreplaceable...
Had I been uneducated and unaware of the ecosystem, I d ignorantly light all matches of a match box smelling each burning match with equal awe...
The gas burner goes off on an occasionally windy day and folks run to the kitchen to extinguish it for safety... 
I wonder why men get down at the fuel stations and women sit back in the A/C ...
I on the other hand adore the heavy LPG, CNG, Diesel and other fuel smells...
Books? mmmmm.... can never get over the rustic old world vintage yielding smell of ancient hard covers with yellowing interiors, pages slowly breaking down with brown edges
And yes, I get a high while digging my nose right at the centre of a crisp new book copy, the fresh binding and karara texture....
Annnnnnd.... The whiff of the stud that works out beside me - irreplacable men's deo blended with testosteron... Killer!!!
I m a gym junkie myself, but one of the reasons to go to the gym, well of course are great smelling men with even greater bodies... win win situation!!! isn't it?
Our gym - house keeping mama has put up his cooking stove near our weight training area in a corner.
What a wicked tadka the man puts, oh boy... it is a punishment to keep pushing ourselves on the floor with his out of this world yummy dals khichadi and rassa's simmering a few feet away...
When he slow roasts his paranthas , you cringe while crunching your paunch in disbelief. 
How I d wish to offer him a cook's job in house!!! 
How can we forget the evergreen first shower of rains...
When rain makes love to earth to make it fertile and give birth...
I have got this one bottled though in the form of an Ittar called GIL.
Fresh Grass, dry grass, cut grass, lemon grass... well, any weed smells great! even the rockers would agree!!!
The old school favorites, Mogra,Chameli, Juhi, Raatrani, Rajnigandha...all the white flowers!
And  Soan champa's intense orgasmic fragrance, Genda phools festive whiff...
However, I dont like Roses of any kind. I feel they are tad bit over-rated...
I love the Jasmine oil and Ubtan smell of Diwali and the Browny, truty fruity, rum and Vanilla enfused Christmas and Khus entwined with Firdaus perfumed  Eid...
I love the way Hindu's serve their ghee laden banana sheera at satyanarayan puja's and the Muslim streets enlightened with out of this world smelling kebabs on the street corners, the dhabbas with authentic punjabi tadkas and the Thelas with divine jalebi's and malpuas... 
I hate spas that lure clients with Chocolate or coffee wraps, we might as well eat what we want and flaunt it on our faces and thighs instead of putting it on our skin... 
Secretly I ve tried both on skin at home.... it doesn't work... you end up licking yourself with shame...
The smell of first Hapus of the season... anyone???
The Sizzling browny after the yoko sizzlers???
The cheese that melts on top of nachos with salsa beside your seat in the theatre at the same day you have planned to eat clean???
The crispy deep fried chinese starters at a weekday wedding when it is NOT YOUR CHEAT EAT  DAY???
The unbelievable dollop of Ghee that is undisputedly laden on dal dhokli by your Gujju aunt??? 
These smells are eternally irreplacable...
You know what I like more.... the moment when a baby is unswaddled to check its diaper after a post bath nap....
The Johnson and Johnson with the dudh malai besan haldi on their tender skin..... Divine! 
I have always planned to have many babies just because I d like to smell them after their bath...
I know I am weird, don't give me those looks...
The Southern smells.... The pure mysore sandal soap , the chandan agarbattis , the rassam, sambhar, avial and the coconut oil banana chips with payasamn on a banana leaf.... 
I wanted to marry a mallu, a tam bram, a keralite, just for this.... Yes, yes roll your eyes!!!
The eau-de-cologne reminds me of cold strips of chilling water on my hot forehead while having fever... 
I have fond memories of falling ill, not because I am a sadist but because cologne smells lovely on a sick day!!! 
Talking of smells, pop corn and samosa aroma in theatre if nullified would never make the ambience set for watching a feature film...
The batata vadas in interval of a Marathi Natak are a must.... the garlicy eew to a few.... But thats how  Marathi Rangbhumi is set.... 
The whiff of butter franky at shivaji park and Paav bhaji at Canon, Sardar or Gypsy is world famous!!!
Going off food, people, I like Odonil cakes in wardrobes and napthaline balls in bathrooms too!
I love the phenyl, dettol , lizol, Glass cleaners and detergents, freshly washed moist clothes, squeakily crisp clean dried clothes, brand new linen... starched cottons, organic handlooms.... aaaaahhh....
The smell of ointment and balms... Vicks , Iodex, Amrutanjan, Zandu , Tiger... blissful!!!
The smell of Elizabeth Arden , 5 th Avenue , White Diamond perfume on women and CK Obsession and Davidoff on men.... ufff...
The smell of old spice or denim aftershave on my grandpa with a Brut spray on his shirt is a fond memory...
Smell of my nani's old saree turned into the softest rajai is a staple to sleep... 
The whiff of fresh minty breath and maybe musk on an approaching kiss is irresistable....
The smell of cuban cigar with live jazz playing on the background of a dusky campfire in an open grassland is a dream... 
Warm hands and a warmer hug on a chilling night under a star encrusted sky with foresty smell is a yearning....
The whiffs, the puffs, the aromas, the perfumes, the fragrances...
The way he tastes on my tongue resulting in a deep inhalation that can never be described in words, the entwine and intermingling is the best anticipation I've ever had...
An olfactory bliss...is this...