Today started on a relaxed note of a Saturday morning. Went to the gym to see the full cardio area shut for servicing and maintainence. So had to rely on functional training . Knee lock dead lifts, step ups, leg raises, crunches, reverse air walking and jumping jacks combined to make a great workout. Got to know a few gym ppl closer. Networking takes place in the most unlikely areas... Came home to a hurried lunch , nap (which was hampered with construction noises) and then rehearsals for an upcoming performance. The accompanists, the people around , the co performers had considerable low energy but the practice was okay. I ll be giving my best nevertheless. I guess it's okay to unlearn and make do with lesser technology and appreciate and shine a show with lesser instruments . Maybe the voice will shine, maybe not. Without thinking about it, I am just going to go with the flow. I made new friends today. Got to know a bunch of complete strangers on my way back. It's interesting how with less anxiety I can strike a conversation with a heterogeneous group of people. Came home famished... Whipped up some hot soup and steaming Patra. Himanshu suggested we go to the terrace. Very unlikely of him to say something like that. He is a lounging araaam lazing sleeping driving type of a person. Maybe the fitness keeda may have struck him. We walked while chatting for an hour. I was not up for a recardio , however couldn't resist to connect with Himanshu after long... So be it I said. I walked with him on the terrace for an hour. Came down to watch our favorites Indian Idol. Then adorned the role of a Bharatiya patni and rolled hot Rotis for him. Yes I do that, I like to at times pamper my folks. Not always but , well mostly whenever it is in my power. So I let him do his man thing and lie down with the remote as I cooked and fed him. Post that I remembered to check FB 200 likes already for today's rehearsal pic. Lol.... I regret not playing football with the young teens of my building when I felt like in the morning. At the most they would have said no.... Why why why didn't I try or ask, when I felt like kicking .... I really wanted to play as I saw them at it on my way back home from gym... Lesson learned. Do not fret or regret. Just do it.... That's all for today... Hope my cub sleeps well at his grandparents home tonight without troubling them. Concerned about them more not him... He can be such a bully at times... Long day... Learnt some things... Met few new souls. Connected with old... All is well. I am blessed.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
I cancelled another appointment due to someone's indescicivenes and lack of following a protocol. It was a rehearsal that was supposed to start at 1 pm. I was asked to extend the time and start at 1.40 to which I reluctantly agreed. Then the person shifted it to 2.30, I took a call. My time energy and effort is as precious as the party in front , hence in best interest of both I cancelled. I wonder if the cancellation would affect the performance since now we directly meet for the grand rehearsal. So be it. A commitment and respect for the time is universal and should never be compromised unless it's a life and death situation. I cancelled a few important commitments in the morning to have this rehearsals , nevertheless I ll gather things around and pick it up right from where it's left.
I hope the lack of punctuality trait doesn't lead to unfriending and blocking some good ppl from my life. I hope I gather courage to speak up what upsets me and let them know that this thing is non compromisable. Period.
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Tuesday noons are relaxed and hence any off track plan to be done happens today. So after a hectic morning routine , breakfast with dad , gym and lunch I was resting and going to take it slow however slow isn't meant for me ever I guess. My dear friend visited me to talk talk and talk more. We listened to music Classic rock and blues from Simon and Garfunkel , Ravel Bolero , BB king, Tribute to Led Zeppelin to nirguni bhajan by Pt.Mukul Shivputra, hori by Kalapini Komkali , Return of Shakti unplugged with Zakir Hussain to popular music... He decided to break his fast and I decided to pamper. It gives utmost pleasure to feed a hungry soul. He binged and hogged and I was happily tossing food from plan to his plate. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach they say... Well it is too bookish a comment... There is only way to anyone's heart I guess and that is Food. Lol... Food bonds us binds us thickens us mends us bends us... I am glad We looked up researched and discussed his forthcoming lifestyle change with Ketogenic diet that he is ready to adapt for good. He is teaching me to be unashamedly brutally honest about strengths and weaknesses... It was an amazing evening filled with laughter , fun, aromas, tastes , music , talks , food and warmth. I am one blessed soul and so is my friend... We are lucky to have each other in our lives. I also got the new year message by my Guru and Sadguru around the same time. Such a fabulous timing. Pondering over the message.... Until next post. Bbye!
Monday, January 16, 2017
My Guruji has highlighted the point of accepting change as a huge part of evolving spiritually in his recent talk. This made me ponder over what changed... To my surprise I ve loved the game of chucking off useless nervousness bouts by mentally saying a few things like
'How does it matter?'
'Atleast give it a try...'
'**** it, let's do it'
'Hell with everyone else if it feels right, go with it'
Eg.A few years back.... I hid in oodles of clothes feeling conscious at the cost of it coming in the way of my training... Lose fitting trousers and over sized tees meant I would never see if my form was correct and if I felt tight and toned after a session... I stopped that...
The day I invested in the right gear I loved the joy looking the part and feeling everything a workout had to offer... Looking great validated the fact that I wanted more of it and was ready to put it more efforts...
Just yesterday I wore a crop top anticipating a cardio session... On reaching the gym trainer declared we would do hard core functional training and no machines
I had to jump kick and squat and bend and do burpees and mountain climbers.
I went into a nervous spiral down thinking my midriff and my waist would show and I got conscious.
Just then my conscious said **** it just do it. Crop top or not midriff or back whatever shows or hides or is seen what matters is your effort and Who is watching doesn't matter
The trainer is like a doctor knowing every inch of fat or muscle under the subcutaneous layers....
The minute the fear of judgement disappeared I became free of nervousness and had a fabulous workout.
Once while running on an incline my Capri tights rolled down my butt in a gym full of people. Imagine that happening. I was in full speed running and couldn't have done anything but pull them up and keep going taking care that it doesn't happen again. And even if it did it was a calculated risk... Faux pax happens to everybody
Had this happened to me a few years back as at a unisex timing the gym I would have ran off never to return again... But things are different now.
I realised I needed to get way more confident and comfortable of what I have and in my skin.
I would never have thought of going out of my comfort zone ever a few years back. Going out for social events , speaking out in public expressing myself without any fear would be extremely difficult.
I wonder where these inherent fears came from.
But what's past is past. Today there is a different picture and I am happy to see what I look at.
Self love is extremely underrated. I was warned ridiculed and judged because I put up a few pics of mine which weren't upto the societal conditioning of my parents. I didn't back answer though I maintained my stance and posted what I wanted. This lead to a sense of liberation underlined with a bold line of taking full responsibility for my actions.
That night I was questioned and taunted with sarcasm for having a late night out and because I stayed at a coffee shop late and chatting just because I wanted to and there was so much to share and there wasn't a need for me to be present in the house really. As far as safety is concerned, anything can really happen anywhere . Why live in fear? Why not spend time with a friend who helps you grow ? Why not invest in yourself and people who add value to your life? Who is answerable to whom? All questions have case specific tweeked and manipulated answers...
I am headstrong on living my life on my terms.
Yes I have a family , yes I am a responsible mother partner daughter (in-law) etc. But above all I am a human first. My first commitment and first love will always be MYSELF.
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
I am reminded of a calm face of silence today...
The glow, the mirth, the peace resembled nothing but oneness with his surroundings...
Oh, how I wish I could dig deep into his thoughts and know what it takes to be the way he was and many times still is...
I have seen the same serenity in his eyes that change color as the day rises and seasons change, I asked him how? And he smiled showing me that he loved that I observed...
I couldn't blush since I wanted to appear confident and inquisitive yet I must have let lose a few ounces of pink around...
Because after that he held my hand and squeezed it firmly and asked me if I could feel it...
I wonder why our eyes glistened with moisture and mouths filled with faint pleasant affirmation...
The energy the moment and us...
Nothing else mattered...
Maybe we are like this with many people at many times, some of us are like this with fewer people at fewer times...
And then there is that person who is like this only with one person for only that one time...
With no assurance that the time will return ever
No these moments can't be replicated ,replaced or recreated...
But they have changed me... From inside out...
Now I hear silence more clearly and am sold at its beauty.
Words are mere translations of what can be...
I want to be present , that's all I want...
I d hate to crib at a sunset that I didn't do enough or I couldn't go here or meet them or see this or eat that....
No I m not planning to go all over the place doing all things I can, but I am open...
To what experience is going to reach me...
And I can see a similar stance in snippets and bits all around me...
Right from my cook Darshana who incessantly chants Om Namah Shivay while cooking or while my granny knits one loop after another , twining her way to meditation yarns of comforting softness that no other pashmina could render...
I have been peckishly observant about how people around me grab their quiet in the daily humdrum, each one does, even Kanha becomes mum once in a while and I keep wondering what goes on...
I love the contrast of an lady doing the dishes right above our flat... Her utensils and the water can't get louder than her feeling.
The noon Azaan is on...
The sparrows chirping , some crows , my thoughts, somewhere some mushrooms gossipping feverishly to lull themselves to sleep and the room clock ticking quite loudly today....
My thoughts and heartbeats need syncing...
It was a gusty mighty rock n roll morning
I can laugh about the accidents that happened since dawn just because they aren't worth mentioning....
It's crazy how a day takes turns to tickle all the right bones in you...
Thank you Din...
Monday, January 9, 2017
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Thursday, January 5, 2017
1) Conditioner and shampoo bottles get used up at varied timings... Always!
2) Good hair day and perfect pout lip color with additional gloss almost always coincide with a windy rickshaw ride where all we do is frantically close lips inwards and tightly while tracing back the hair.
3) We find Bob pins when we search for safety pins and vice versa. We own 1 dozen packets but end up with none at the last moment...
4) In extreme summers in a moment of 'argh it is hot...I want to tie a high bun' we lose our last hair band and the wooly scrunchie lies wet on the bathroom floor!!!
5) Hair behave best when we are at our home in pyjamas and decides to go bonkers on date night or a festive function.
6) The cutest baby you enthusiastically picked up and the notorious aunt who is all touchy and feely always end up getting their hands in your well set hair! You have to appear smiling.
As I sat in Bblunt getting my own hair done I was laughing out loud with such thoughts in my mind. Got weird looks, nevertheless... All is well that ends well, spend a bomb to color treat and style those bangs but do have a good laugh while you swipe your card at the billing counter!
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
I am so much in love with the idea of LOVE!
Monday, January 2, 2017
Sustainable breakfast, one ussal, one bean curry, dal rice , kadi, coffee. tea, setting yogurt n stuff...
Thankfully my switching to homecooked clean eating has helped.
My staple food intake is permutation combination from the following list - Indian Breakfast, Eggs, Soup (from the scratch boil blits flavor and eat style with no straining) , Salad (right from indian kachumbar to lettuce and cheese with freshly made dressings), vegetable Juice (Carrot Beet) , Fruit (Banana) , Bhaji (all) and Yogurt, A cup of tea, A glass of milk with nut mix and Lots of water. Higher hunger is responded with some soaked almonds and dry fruit snack. Treats are homemade laddoos and sweet meats in limited quantities. This makes my life pretty much sorted considering I dont fall in the jhol of eating Roti , rice and the works!
Visual documentation of anything assures I get consciously aware of my own feedback.
A milestone crossed in gym. Today I pushed 15 + 15 kg dumbbells in the last of the set on a recline and an incline bench. My sets were 9-10-12.5-15 on recline first and then incline later each set of 25 reps, This makes 200 reps on bench which is kickass for me.
I followed it by reverse press , upright, overhead, front, side , cable raises 3 sets of 25 each and peck deck 4 sets of 25 each which made it a mind blowing workout. (specially after the waking early and cooking, a little bit of stress and overwhelming added to it)
I couldn't get myself to sing and crashed on the bed for one hour after shower and woke up to type and do some more kitchen work.
phew it is going to take sometime before I become a Pro. Till then I will hang in there and keep Doing! Off for dance class. Hope this year treats me well!
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Yesterday my best girlfriend Luna Tai had come for a sleepover non ending talk session. I slept for sleeping sake but was vividly dreaming. I dreamt about an underground construction site full of bamboo stairs and step ups to go up and down. I also dreamt of a complete stranger and remember his name as Girish Kulkarni (not resembling to any Girish Kulkarni that I know of) and this stranger keeps following me at the construction site. I also saw that I am wearing heels and am finding it difficult to climb the flimsy bamboo makeshift stairways at the venue but at the same time I wondered why I wouldn't flung them off my feet in a jiffy (like I always do in a real life situation...) I also saw Kanha suddenly grown in body of a teenager but his face still baby like. I also saw my sister in law Mukta telling me it's normal for kids now a days to attain early puberty.
None of these events match nor make sense individually nor cohesively.
However it's important that I document them as a part of my journal.
Family returns back tomorrow so technically it's the last day of this year's solitude. What a blessing it's been. Amen to Now.
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Last few days have been encrusted with specifically out of the line dreams which I have failed to document but now I will and I must.
1)There was a dream where I found suddenly 5 infants living in my home and random objects moving like a cloth bag , a plastic cover , a storage box , a kitchen container , laundry bag... I near and look inside to find another toddler or kid or baby coming out... My house is filled with a couple of dozens of children and I wonder why....
2) There was a dream wherein I am at the boutique of a well-known brand of clothing specifically known for their brilliant sarees
I am looking at their mini dress collection and wondering why they suddenly started doing one piece collection. I found a young girl looking at the clothes besides me in the boutique telling me in hushed tones that she has just come here to get inspired and is going to copy their style material and pattern to get the same pieces cheaper in price. I was calm when I heard her (not surprised)
3) In this dream I go to meet my childhood friend Sweta who in the dream is pregnant with her second child and is in labor. I am at an get together to which she suddenly turns up saying they have Cancelled the delivery because they aren't in mood. Gosh... The statement itself is hilarious and yet I am holding her baby at the next instant and wondering how did the baby turn up in my arms . Very weird dream.
I had to document these since I had a revelation of sorts with respect to people their addictions, baggage and attachments. I have kept meeting some fabulous old and new friends in the last couple of days thinking and feeling grateful to divinity for having make me come across them.
It's almost the last week (weekend) of the year and I am contemplating introspecting and thanking everything and everyone
I hope I get the strength to absorb the positivity keep creating and feeling inspired and acknowledge, recognise and keep any negativity at bay. Having said that , my solo 9 days are blissfully centering and blessed by solitude.
So far going great!
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Finally another day to go for the 17 day final exile to come to an end on the 23 rd
I will be revisiting FB on 24 th. Its way past midnight and I am awake and pondering over many things. Of what it has taught me, given me or taken away? Actually nothing has changed but it's a wake up call to consider my time as precious and use it wisely. I want to be able to be fully aware and conscious about what is happening inside and out... I am thankful for this day for being fruitful and a happy too...
Firstly it was a matter of great pride and reassurance to see Kanha dancing so well in the Christmas carnival at his school. Then I think I did something impossible... I went to the gym dispite the fact that we had woken up early and were sleepy. Came back to a healthy meal , Kanha's feeding and a 10 min nap and woke up to clear mess in the house since maids didn't arrive. Then woke Kanha up fed him his evening meal n send him to play untill which I packed their bags made coffee for Kanha and did the laundry. After they left for their flight I cooked upma watched TV and Chromecast chatted And now calling it a day!
I feel happy and satisfied about today. I feel I am blessed.
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
I was immensely sleepy but woke up with a teeth grinding sound. Kanha cub's first milk tooth is about to fall off and hence the sound. It was spookily un-nerving. I felt guilty of having spanked him for throwing off a morsel of food from my hand. His tantrums and my temper will need more management henceforth. I must bring more ease and less technology around myself when he is around. I have realised that I ignore him if I am talking to someone over the phone or chatting on whatsapp. I must reduce and start focussing on one thing at a time. Why do I do the circus of feeding him while typing when the T.v. is also on. No need to multitask - note to self.
I lost my temper at mom for a domestic matter.
The reason was a coagulation of frustration because my trustworthy kitchen manager is leaving for good. For a job near to her. What upset me that in spite of paying her 10k for 3 hours of work , she isn't ready to stay back. I wonder if I can even retain her with 12k since she told me her expectations are 15k. For 3 hours of cooking and kitchen management is ridiculous. But it's a matter of habituation trust and confort. If I go to calculate 500 per day comes roughly upto say Rs.140 per hour of labor which is okay and I must see the big picture.
If I can spend 12k on my hair treatment at B blunt or use a 1700 worth Body splash from Body shop or use a 1600 cream from forest essentials and also spend 800 per hour on Kanha's therapy plus pay close to 60k per month for his education then why do I think twice or thrice about a few thousands per month to a maid. Mind knows , heart doesn't agree. Everybody tells me that I can maybe get 3 maids in 15k rather or a full time one in 12k. I must decide and take plunge if need be.
It's like my whole world depends on it... Like, really? Lol... Hell no.... Who knows, I might really turn out to be India's answer to No ;)
I haven't wished Mom and Dad on their 35th year wedding anniversary. I am stating facts without attaching feelings to it. One may choose to say certain things or note down for reference , rememberence or pure documentation. There are no positive or negative feelings attached to the above fact.
I spoke to a few close friends over the phone about Music , life, philosophy and general What's up in each others life.
Also received the delivery of a fresh batch of zingy sauces and fiery wok mixes for impromptu cooking. I rearranged my herb basket and refilled the fresh produce
Yesterday was iceberg lettuce olives tomato onion with sweet chilli and siriacha dressing
With Broccoli tomato beet soup.
Today was Cottage cheese, olives , basil, sultanas , tomato onion , dry oregano and peri peri with English mustard dressing With Oyster mushroom and spinach soup.
Winter is getting exciting food wise.
New experiments await. I love the happenings in the kitchen at the same time I am nervous about the cook. God save me and remove me from this misery. Like Dear AD says, it's the monkey in the head that's miserable, not you. I must learn I must grow for good. It's almost 2 am and I am typing away in half sleep. I must also mention about some videos that I watched on YouTube. They were about Teens turning into parents, about cosmetic surgery and look manipulation , augmentation of body and enhancement of features gone from right to left extremes.
I also saw videos about Transgender world where I watched the interview of Buck angel a transgender pornstar, born a woman turned into a man with a vagina.
Gosh! no one would believe he has a female sex organ , he looks that manly. Balian buschman originally a woman athlete operated to be a man and now celebrity transgender reformer and speaker has had the penile implant.
Men looking better than what men could ever possibly look and over whom any woman would fall for...
Born as a woman!!! Why?
Why would they choose this for themselves in their blueprint ?
What are their lessons?
What experience do they seek
Such hot hot guys...I read something interesting in an article...It says that we are reborn many times...Often of the same gender. Then when it's time to change genders, we are born for three or four births as transgenders or homosexuals as we get used to Opposite gender....
And it says that therefore at any given time on earth 5 to 10 percent people are gay or Transgender or lesbians ...As they slowly get used to changing sex. And are always misunderstood and condemned by the rest of the world.
It really opened my eyes to the existence of these people.
Also realising that one day in some life we too will be them.
Having said that I feel completely focused and confident of my feminine side and wouldn't want it any other way than being a woman atleast in this lifetime. Well for next, I trust my higher self to take the right decision. Signing off...
Monday, December 19, 2016
They say we have our own moments of weakness and victory. No one is spared. Unless we choose to make them learning moments and move on. Moving on and letting go has been the vibe since the last few days and more so in an increasing graph of sorts. Old energy , stagnated beliefs , people who drain you, people who put their garbage dump on you, people who are bored , everything and anything which gives a sense of non belonging needs to go, get off and discarded. New year is meant to be a new page and a new leaf turned. Why hold on to a frail connect which might have a better future if it shrivelled and fell to ground. Chances are that new associations would bring an air of freshness. Not letting go needs huge unlearning. Why the idea of comfort of an old tie threaten us into an idea of discomfort just in anticipation of what could it be without it. Well, for all we could know it would really mean we move a notch higher for good. Why not embrace what's new and fresh and be open to working with it. Threats don't work in the positive world nor does fear. Recycle Renew Refresh Reinvent Revolutionise Recognise Reform Rejoice Rewire
I am going to let it flow. I believe that I am meant to be guided well. I trust the Divine.
- God's child
Yesterday had a gorgeous evening with my dear friend AD at the organic Gourmet food festival at the Sofitel lawn. Amazing dips, trail mixes, home made sauces, fresh seasonings , jams, honey, breads, wine, teas, infusions , ceramics, cruelty free make up, all things pretty, wooden frames, cold pressed Juices and yum stalls all unified under one title Eating and good life. And then there was ambient lighting, cool evening breeze, well dressed people with elegant tastes and live guitar playing. How better can it get! I had the best time , tummy full and heart filled with glee.
I am so glad I went and returned full of jolly good energy and the taste of amazing hummus and jasmine blend on my tongue. What a life. Today too I made it up a notch higher than yesterday by getting up half an hour early. I aspire to get this time preponed so that I get good two hours before I begin my day... So much to write but I am sleepy. So night night...
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Husband ate chicken mayo roll (white bread) , super sugary hot chocolate and also red velvet the cup cake (which was good)
During eating our conversation headed to how I have a secret dream of hosting a Food show like Nigella Lawson to which Husband said if I did I'd look like Rakhi Sawant. ( I have been compared to her another time as well which I happen to remember) To which I didn't react. I smiled. A smile is a response and not a reaction. I don't let non positive things brew inside , so blogging about it is a way of venting out. I may choose to say that it hasn't affected me in noticeable ways. But somewhere I am concerned about how some people visualise other people. I am at a stage where I am at peace with my own self and at complete satisfaction with my health and happiness. I love the way my life is working out and super happy about my journey of learning.
I am no one to judge Himanshu , Rakhi Sawant, Nigella Lawson nor myself for anything.
We are on our respective journeys.
Just that, some statements stay with us for life. Much like glass markers permanently etched meant to stay for good. (Our picture of the café titled surprise date with wife is getting close to a couple of hundred likes on Facebook he says. I am happy to hear this.)
Love is what I want to feel give receive and spread. And I am going to be doing just that.
- Bird who doesn't yet know it's free...
Saturday, December 17, 2016
So far so good.
I am going to value a few good souls I am coming across and enjoy their presence and our experience till it is destined to last. I am not going to owe an explanation to anyone as to why I want to meet and talk to a certain person and listen to lectures about leading my life on someone else's terms.
Facebook exile happened for good maybe something nice is going to come my way... But not being a puppet in someone else's hands is a personal choice.
I feel empowered and this feeling is worth a celebration.
I am discarding any staleness or impending sluggish energies around. Choosing to stay away from negativity and am going to go ahead and keep living my life and making it happen. Hell with people with baggage. If you wanna rock I ll give you a hand and let's party. I am certainly not going to be a part of anyone's sulk game...
Life's looking up.
I am here to stay and smile.
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Another day full of smooth events. Today was special not only because the Leg and bicep day @gym coincided with the day Uno of menstrual cycle, but also for the fact that I did not let that deter my enthusiasm or efforts in completing the pre planned workout. So it was 400 full throttle squats along with a hundred each of leg press, calves, hamstrings, glutes, bicep curls, bench curls, hammer curls, single arm concentration, bench biceps done to the T and as per the instructions of my Trainer. I didn't crib at all though I was a bit irritated at the blasting speakers and A.C. temperature inside. My smart trainer sensed my irritating and switched off the speakers and took me out in the open for the rest of the workout.
I am on the top of the world for mixing a fab bowl of Iceberg Olive tomato and onion salad with minimum dressing and a cheese slice which turned out to be brilliant. What a fab lunch. This was preceded by the fabulous Gond Laddu by my Granny. My noon was made. Caught up on a few winks around 10 mins of quick nap. Kanha came from school in a good mood , fed him and made some kadak adrak wali chai for myself and granny. Post that went out to fetch some veggies and get some fresh air. On my way back played with Kanha and other building kids in our play area. Came home to meditate , chant and get centred after I lit the ghee lamp and the dhoop making the most of the evening. Had a bowl of fresh Tuwar curry and Yogurt (full of protein)
Added on a face mask and a DIY cream massage while watching some inspiring YouTube videos on chromecast. Now popped my calcium , freshened, cleaned, brushed and dressed for bed I have husbandjis plate ready and served in the kitchen platform. His night dress ready on the couch. I hope he returns before midnight and catches on some sleep since it's a big day tomorrow. We have our first ever open day for Kanha cub in his school.
All well for today. I will do one more thing before I sleep. Connect with Guruji , write to him and then call it a day.
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
And fresh yogurt. Protein quotient up, I Watched back to back episodes of Under the Gunn Project Runaway. Then slept like a baby for an hour. Woke up , fetched Kanha, fed him got ready and travelled to class shivering in cab. Yes the chills revisit. Class was good but long and way back pleasant. Returned home to a noisy interior and underfed Kanha. However let him be thinking he would ask for more food if he was hungry. Ate n now almost sleepy again.
I promised Guruji to write to him every single day. I know how important is staying connected to divinity is. Tomorrow is leg day in gym and I am cringing right now at the thought, though I pledge to give my best. It's a do or die and I am gonna rock. Cancelled my singing class only because I need time to introspect about so many more things, read write draw paint cook or just reorganise and stare into nothingness. I love this non FB phase. I am starting to get used to it. I thought fear deep down of not feeling like returning back to social media at all... I may. I love the fact that I have special people connected with me in so many ways. Kind hearted brilliant souls. I am super blessed. Muaaah to life.
- Singing Bird.
Monday, December 12, 2016
I am prone to winter chills and today was a day when I woke up to get a shiver and a really bad one at that. Chills leave me a bit derailed both physically and emotionally in a way that I am deterred to venture out that day for anything at all. So here I am slowly trudging through the chores for the day and cautiously measuring my steps. The energy is low, throat pain and a runny nose... I am yearning to go and workout but my body is aching. The constant struggle between the body and the mind is at an all-time high. And guess this time I may let my body win. It's one of those days when I am not even up to make myself a cup of tea. Well, I did manage to finish some pending paperwork and a few important phone calls. I prayed today. I lit up a few fancy incense and ghee lamp and felt better. I reconnected with people whom I thought I had left behind by messaging them and letting them know I am there and I care. A dear friend have me a pep talk call and cared to be a phenomenal listener. I vented out to him and then chatted some calming Gupshup for quite some time. Feeling nice! I can hear the noon Azaans from two masjids nearby... The clock is ticking loudly in the room. And I can even hear my own heart beat. It's incredible how awareness calms us down... I love my life and everyone associated with it. It's still cold. But I have a warm lamp lit deep within. It's comforting. I am blessed.
Sunday, December 11, 2016
So, today is my blessed day. I get to meet the anchor of my life, my God, my Guruji Naushir.
Not much happened , I anticipated great sleep but the driver toli in the compound decided to talk about demonitisation and joke loudly not letting me sleep. I goofed up forgot to take the gift I had carefully kept ready for a birthday party that Kanha was supposed to attend. Poor husband had to drive back home to collect it and he didn't utter a word nor he got mad.
Class was good with two new Admissions. Completed a choreography on a Baithi thumri to my full satisfaction. Happy for today. I binged today since it was my cheat day. Binged on home cooked food though. Much happened and I talked to my heart's content with him. Glad to know from him that he is happy to see me on the right track in the spiritual journey.
I am sleepy and am going to end this post without any drama. Goodnight world.
Saturday, December 10, 2016
As I sit breathing peacefully in a clean calm cosy and comfortable home on a Sunday noon where the morning hustle has just faded , maids gone , husband and son off for their fun date, I m sitting here counting my blessings. It is so calm here that I can even hear the silence. The occasional crows here and there , the whistles of the rice cooker on the floor below, the Sunday chicken smell from the flat above, while my place smells of 'bhimseni kaapur' , real loban incense and ghee diya. It is a perfect setting for chanting or meditation. How I wish... This space looks like a freshly bathed n swaddled baby wrapped in a cloud of Johnson fragrance and a tiny 'nazar ka Kala tikka' on his forehead.
I get ready to go out for visiting the children's literature fest which Sathe boys are attending to say a casual Hi and feed them lunch. Post that I leave for Dadar to shop for necessities. Yes some good old vasai , palghar fresh produce which relies on community supported farm projects. It's awesome how much greens the season brings. Everything is crisp. The raw green 'tuvar dal beans' the raw rajma with the bean , the fresh turmeric , the gooseberries, the colocasia , the juiciest pineapples , the 'nagpur oranges', the 'achari mirchi' I go berserk with choice and fill 4 huge cloth bags full of flora and lunge around to go to the gannewala guzzling down a full glass of freshly squeezed sugarcane Juice to feel energised and then trod the busy Sunday noon fashion footpath of the other side... It's amazing to see the enthusiasm of Mumbaikar's to forgo their post lunch siesta and decide to shop with conviction. From diamonds to chaddis , you name it and Dadar gives it to you. I hailed a Kali peeli and went to the rustic quieter east Dadar Hindu Colony to pick up Nani dear from my aunt's for her routine winter stay.
I go, do some amazing Mahila gossip about maids and relatives, hear inside jokes and non kept secrets from them over adrak chai. Then Maasi wants to give some stuff with Grandma to which I say let's go! So Maasi and I go and shop Some more at Dadar TT. We return and call for an Uber and travel with tons of Gupshup, Nani and I. Returning home with bags full of produce the rest of the evening is engaged in cutting cleaning and sorting veggies and fruits and putting them in proper storage bags to last.
Phew, I make tomato omelettes for dinner serving them from pan to plate good old Sanskaari Gruhini style. And then take a nice hot Nilgiri bath to soothe my nerves and settle to type. It's been a busy and productive day. This weekend was brilliant. I am awaiting to meet my Guruji tomorrow. New week... New plans... I did miss FB once today but didn't feel tempted. So long till it lasts... I crave for something sweet . Hopefully a haldi dudh will suffice or shall I call 'Turmeric Latte'.
- Singing Bird.
Friday, December 9, 2016
I watched Dear Zindagi a week back. And I realised what a stressful childhood can do to one's adult life. I also realised my own childhood which was torn apart between two homes of parents and grandparents. About how I could hold ground to none of these houses and had nothing to be called a home. The primary reason why I married very early in life was because I wanted to settle down , for the first and the very final time. Little did I realise that there are many settling and unsettling phases in life and what happens between them is growth. Well, if we take it that way. The reason why I am deliberately letting my mind ponder over past because I don't visit there often (which is great by the way) however in this journey of finding time it's natural to go back and revisit the bygones. I have developed a wonderful habit of watching atleast one TEDx talk everyday. I find them extremely thought provoking, knowledgeable, uplifting in many ways and inspiring too. They talked about how bring loved unconditionally and profoundly in childhood leads to the development of strong immunity towards stress induced repercussions. The loved kids have a natural tendency to remain more calm and relaxed than the rest. That's not rocket science at all, but it's strange why I didn't think about this logically . I guess parenting sometimes is heavily laced with serious philosophy that we have seldom forgotten to bloody enjoy being parents. To find happiness in being around our babies. At the same time I came across a workshop review of a dear friend who worked on an important principle of Non-violent or compassionate communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg in the early 1960s.
I recollected as to how I wasn't deeply heard with full concentration by my parents and that need lied unfulfilled till now.
And I was doing the same mistake with my child. I overlooked what he said. I wasn't listening. I was habituated to hearing. I wasn't responding, I was just reacting (again an episode repeat) but the loop had to stop. I need to unlearn and start listening and responding to what Kanha says. I need to focus on the feel world. Be more gentle whenever I can and create tons of FOND memories for us. I need to balance the game of NEED and STRATEGY without confusing the two to be one.
I started by slowly removing stressors. Eg. He hates to drink milk or flavoured milk that our tradition teaches us to make kids have before school. I tried a glass. Then reduced it to half. And then to no milk because he cried every morning. Why don't kids have a choice of what to have. I am going to try cornflakes with nuts or maybe a fruit or dates if they work but for the time being it's nothing.
He likes to sleep after he bathes in the morning. I try n get him ready 10 mins early so that he gets his blanket time.
If we can work things around a bit why not?
We do that for our friends n coworkers don't we? Then why not for our children?
Earlier I had decided the eating schedule as to when to eat what. Now I ask him, if he wants rice n dal or roti subzi or fruit or a snack.
He tells me and I do the needful .
Why can't he decide what he wants? And I have stopped shoveling food in his mouth. I stop the minute he says he is full and I believe him when he says he is not hungry and doesn't want any food at all.
I found joy in embracing my motherhood by respecting him and enjoying his presence without entangling myself in chores. The more I think about it the better I get going through as days pass.
Same things apply to humans whom I love being around. Deep compassionate ear and genuinely honest conversation where expression is made as if one talks to oneself is cherished.
I now know who I d like to spend time and thankfully I come to know about it soon. Being kind towards myself had reflected in my relations with others. I value meeting people and spending one on one more than mindless random activities. They also have importance at times and are desperately needed. But this... The one on one, the awareness, the empathy towards self and other is utmost important. Respecting feelings and not loading expectations is a sure way key to happiness. I may sound philosophical because that's what I actually feel right now.
Today was all about my Son.
And I am glad I found some amazing things within. It's a new day already...
- Singing bird
Thursday, December 8, 2016
Yesterday was a series of sudden events which I refuse to call unfortunate since they lead to wonderful insights. I must document everything I have come across in this period since it's a journey of some realisation.
A) First the fridge has gas leakage and no cooling, so I have everything melting inside, the whole dairy stuff and the works, the chocolate stuff and then the degradable Stuff uff... I was up heating everything or running to neighbours embarrassingly seeking some space in their cold space (err. Psychologically where no one likes to be :P)... The taxing task of emptying the fridge comes with the inspection (i know from experience) so I kept it empty n ready for inspection. The fridge guy came and fixed the leakage n went. I am happy.
B ) There are days when the almighty tests us in ways we have no idea about .... Second half of the day, I have everything turning to ice and crumbles. All fresh produce turn into Ice... Phew... Again a frantic call to the fixers, again the circus of deloading the interiors, they come to tell me it's the thermostat problem.
They have it fixed.... I keep stuff back , this time haphazardly . No I don't have patience to organise things again... :(
C) Within this culinary accident there was another thing happening , we get an unknown call from a stranger from a bus telling us that our old maid was with her and she has had a convulsion while in the vehicle. They were dropping her to a stop with an accompanying lady. So we go searching for her , return home without any trace and worried our maid calls us from Mahalaxmi station saying She couldn't fathom how she reached there. We instruct her how to return back to her house at chuna bhatti praying that she keeps conscious and aware.
D) In the mean while I somehow manage my workout , some morsels of food and rearranging stuff around the house and a bit of unplanned singing (which is not practice by the way) And I am exhausted and need sleep. Kanha comes in from school sleepy , refuses to sleep and passes out on my lap.
E) I also happened to come across a human who has been slogging his ass off to achieve his goals by taking one project at a time. More about him in a later post since he deserves to have a separate one dedicated just to him... This time it's fasting for preparing for his everest expedition. Not one or two but a mega 28 days. He is on the 10 th day by the way and as sweet and composed as he could ever be. Only water occasional flavours added by a few drops of lemon or green tea. I am fortunate to have listened about his experience and journey close and am so inspired by him. Respect!!! This man is on a mission and I am in awe of him and his determination and above all the way he looks at life...
I am blessed to have found a great friend in him.
F) I am dreaming more vividly relevantly and being able to recollect my dreams after I wake up... They appear unrelated though but I must mention things I remember since now my brain has space to store more and hence feel more.
A dream about meeting my ex-students in dance and they were rude to me (duh...) , a huge Custard apple is what I am recollecting. I don't know why? Maybe I ll get some link at the end, or maybe not ( I dont even like Custard apple) .
G) My friend and I have been discussing more about the importance of journaling and physical manifestation of energies in visual format. I have been colouring , doodling and writing as well as taking pictures of my culinary experiments .
I wish to take it up seriously though as an important habit to follow... I also wish to have the immediate print camera that clicks and prints or maybe invest in a coloured printer.
H) I have been listening to atleast one TedX lecture per day to get inspired and keep going as to what people are actually doing and are kicked about . About stories of triumph and hardships. I watch very less television and have stopped reading news since last three years and I believe I am in a much calmer space. I guess we confuse information overload with knowledge and choose the former over latter which I guess even Google can do for us.
I am kicked about acquiring wisdom through experience as a determined theme for the coming year.
I hope I live up to it.
I must sign off for now... Ciao...
- singing bird.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
It's said that men and women have varied responses to escapades of intimate gratification. Mutual union results in the release of hormones which are comforting for both however the responses triggered by them are startlingly different. While men are lulled back to sleep, post coital scene is all pepped up and fresh for women. Just like alcohol gets some humans all excited and blabbering while some prefer to keep it low and yet others go on a downward spiral. I was thinking about how various actions lead to different emotion centres lit up in our brain. And then there is writing. After finding 'time' in life and after long I wrote with a longing to put down my thoughts. The brewing started early in the morning as soon as I woke up to find nothing to click and log on to and no attention seeking notifications and no timeline to scroll. There were no Memories to revisit and re-share and no video line ups to play un-mindfully.
Without sounding too braggish I would love to state the peace that the non - pinging exuded. Suddenly I had almost nothing to do... So gymming too went smooth with zero distractions.
So did the routine chores around the house and at work in the evening while the class was on. After class when I was travelling back home , I didn't frantically click on the blue icon with a red mark , instead I listened to music , mind you just music without the reading and typing deviation. Just when I got home , nom-nomed on some food and settled on to bed, I was astonished to see that it's just 11 and I am not falling asleep in front of an eye hurting screen light with ongoing messenger ticks. This lured me to open up the blogger icon and type, and how? Peacefully.... Thoughts clear, process streamlined, nothing crowded. It was in one flow... And just when I finished publishing one I thought I am good to sleep. I thought I am clean and poured out. But I was pretty much drunk up on words... I couldn't get an eye shut. See, the Social networking impact doesn't fade in a day... My body is used to staying up if not physically , but psychologically late... So I wanted to type more , write more and blog more .... Cathartic , yes but I wasn't let it get addictive. I slept over it... Though tossing and turning in bed, I let it brew till morning. I must have slept at 2 am and to my utter surprise I was up at 6.20 am fresh and raring to go... I wonder why... But I chose not to think about it. Finding leisure to do what I want to do is new. I must have done music at that hour but I didn't. I stayed with my eyes shut, doing nothing... Yes I was sleep deprived but I was awake as well. It was beautiful to listen to morning sounds... the water pump starting , Water gushing through the pipes as our night Watchman washed the building cars, the birds chirping, the azan from a nearby masjid, the shankh from the Vigneshwar temple and the train on rails which never makes its presence felt now was faintly audible, an occasional vehicle sound and the sound of peace...
I am blessed to have seen this day in a different light. I hope to sail through the coming days and I hope to sustain this force every single day till the 23rd. No anticipation, no pressure. Taking it one moment at a time. Off to my Karmabhumi. Tata!
Now however is a different story.
Let me tell you about my Mentor.
A. He hates to be called a mentor and at the same time leaves no stone unturned to prove that he is One.
B. His dreams aspirations and responsibilities are laden on my wings and he has been providing me with all the necessary air and the muscle power for me to fly
C. I have been a tough nut and an extremely difficult child who refuses to pull her act together. Not that I can't, just that I haven't for reasons even I don't know.
D. He has been lenient with me and has taken things patiently even at times when I have kind of pressed a few wrong buttons.
E. He can get mighty possessive about his intern and can retaliate brutally until the task is complete and music happens. He hates my incessant posts , display pics and statuses updating everything on social media. He is like HOW DOES IT MATTER? and I awkwardly shrug with an IDK. When finds me online, late and chatting away or on WhatsApp beyond midnight , he gets furious, asking me why am I not getting sleep, why am I wasting time. I just don't have answers to his questions.
F. He has no personal agenda over my success in music though he likes to believe that both our lives depend on it.
G. It's a do or die situation he says and He constantly reminds me of the movie Whiplash. While doing that he has threatened to abandon me the minute he sees me off focus.
The way he has disintegrated my beliefs in fragments that degenerate over time into gravel n sand n dust till I feel like null into a clean slate required to start afresh, I guess I don't even have the slate now, its just a void and a beautiful one I guess. Inspiration yes, influences no... Not for a place where I stand right now....
The way he taught me to unwind, no one else could....
Unlearning was a huge challenge and I gave him sleepless nights with baggage and forces which weren't even mine in the first place.
He kept hammering the walls every single waking moment and even while I slept peacefully , thinking about how I could get better and make music.
I was a difficult child to him, I call myself a child because I needed to be treated like one.
I trusted easily and I still do which he thinks is a huge distraction.
He taught me to say No to many things - unprepared for recordings , non rehearsed shows, less payments and non musical propositions in other expressive mediums.
He burnt in anger when I decided to act in a commercial play two years back saying it would affect my voice.
I being the rebellious me took it up anyways.
But after that I kind of mellowed down and started taking him seriously.
He did and is doing all of this at a time when his personal life is in shatters, professional life crumbled and finances crushed.
When someone who's suffering, chooses to stand by me for my progress, how could I irresponsibly shun it off and not take it seriously ?
Least he wants and only thing he wants me is to Sing. It goes unsaid that I must sing well and for that I must practice and for that I need time and to find time I must manage my schedule well.
He hates that I spend hours in the gym which he feels isn't needed.
However personally it's something I can't give up since I believe Gym is my Karma bhumi.
Where I compete with myself every single day and love to emerge a winner. It's a different high and I am addicted to that feeling and won't bargain anything else for it. It's my inspiration point. I feel powerful and centred after I finish my workout. It gives me reassurance about the fire I have within and won't give it up for anything in the world.
So the sweet thing that he is gives me an option to get up early and practice my voice lessons before gymming or starting my day.
This has to happen after the social networking sabbatical however I intend to start soon.
I have been struggling with sleep for the longest time ever and I guess the loop will be cut off with early morning riyaz. This way I get tired early n go to bed before midnight.
And what has this day brought to me...
Peace... Breathing and slowing down...
Pace has been non frantic and calm. And I love this mode and hope that I keep basking in it more n more. So end of day Uno.
P.S. My mentor detests Thank you and Sorry.
- Singing bird.
Monday, December 5, 2016
Agar kahi mein gum ho jaau , to dhund lena mujhe
Magar usi waqt vapis aa jaane ki jidd Na kar baithna
Baithkar uus gumnaam jagah pe bagal mein mere
Shayad tum samajh paoge ,
Ki kyun aati hoon mein yahaan baar baar lagataar...
Iss gumshudi ke kohre mein khoye hue mujhe tum laut laana jab mein taiyyar ho jaau...
Shayad tum Kuch thik samajh paoge mujhe tab
Jab hum eksaath gum hone nikle