And so I managed to stay off FB from 1 st July to late 8 th July. Which makes it a week long hiatus. It was amazing to be out of touch of the external triggers. It may have not brought me inwards or may not have created any deep impact however it has definitely led me to believe that such breaks are mandatory.
So the big day arrived on 8th and the day went so fast. Inspite of not getting enough sleep the night before (read I slept from 4 am to 7.30 am) I was alert but surprisingly calm. Things moved smoothly. House was a circus with 7 adults and 3 kids in a two bedroom apartment with 8 suitcases of the guests shifting to the US occupying all of my studio room. Yes there was chaos , yes there was noise, but however I was peaceful from within. I knew it would be right and ofcourse it has to be and it so was... It was my Guruji's day after all. The performance , the look, the time, the management, the backstage, the discipline, the aesthetics, the audience, the musicians, the performers everything was impeccable.
The day got even better when I received a good news of sakshat my sadguru Mahavtar Babaji sitting through my singing performance on that day. I know for sure that my soul is blessed and I am loved and looked upon.
So on request of my beloved friend Chitrang I logged in to FB for accepting his tag. Another kind friend Clicked awesome photographs of the show and then I had to update and upload it all and tag my performer students. Thousands of likes , comments , texts, phonecalls and messages have humbled me to my core and have made me aware of what responsibility lies ahead. With Guruji in tow I am sure the journey is mesmerising and as exciting as always. Tasmay Shree Guruve Namah.
Sunday, July 9, 2017
And so I managed to stay off FB from 1 st July to late 8 th July. Which makes it a week long hiatus. It was amazing to be out of touch of the external triggers. It may have not brought me inwards or may not have created any deep impact however it has definitely led me to believe that such breaks are mandatory.
Thursday, July 6, 2017
So the hectic week peaks towards the end. Classes , rehearsals, Kanha cub at home and my patience levels at an all time low. Show plan turned 180 degrees with a new band coming in and the full performance coming over my shoulders. I bogged under pressure n fell sick. My body gave up to the emotional stress however with the grace of my Guru and well wishers and friends prayers I was fine today. The rehearsals rocked.
I came home to chaos... Yes I feel out of place when there is talking and noise around
I don't like being asked many questions when I m in my own sweet somber .
The royal ladies of the house aka my mom and my grandmom along with cub made sure they made lot of noise.
I wanted to be all by myself.
This is a particular time when I like to be by myself and have quiet around... Alas... Even now while I want to type my heart out , this critter who can read is watching my every word. Damn you sleepy child (aka son) go to sleep like a normal 6 year old. It's 11pm !
Tomorrow there would be more noise with foreign visiting relatives land up.
The routine gets jitters and the show proximity creates ripples. However I ll make sure my focus is fixed. How I long for some drenched words of poetry by my bedside table. The routine mundaneness of domestic life kind of challenges the artist within. But both must thrive... The domestic goddess as well as the wanderer, the seeker, the wonderer , the soul... Together in this mad chaos... Amen!
Sunday, July 2, 2017
Today started way early and how... Had a 14-15 hour work day and hence had set an alarm for 6.30 am. Woke up by myself at 6.15 sharp. Cooked two meals and got ready. Reached Andheri West Jampad 5 mins early than the call time of 9am.
Other musicians as usual came at 10.30 am
Till then I spoke to the very funny Prince Mishra aka caretaker and pseudo rocker of Yari road... He narrated me the enticing kissas of musicians and singers who come there to jam. He narrated his native story from Allahabad and how he came to Mumbai and settled here, about his father's death in an accident and about his wish to do 'seva' of his mother in her old age. A boy as young as 23 narrated everything so unpretentiously, showed me his silver stud cap and his microphone bing pendant. Human library was open for the morning, I didn't sing , but I surely learnt a lot. Observed him....
Once the rehearsals started the vocal chords conditioned to the sound ambience and reverb of the place. I thoroughly enjoyed the jamming and practiced my songs for good 4 times over. Once done chatted with my co-singer on our favorite topic our Guruji and spirituality as we had lunch. Then we quickly restarted practice and got over early at 4 pm. So naturally I reached my class venue within 20 mins that leaves me time till 6 pm when the class starts. I listened to some music, made some calls and then , well observed ppl , children, parents and teachers in this school going around. It is indeed a human library to sit out in the open on this ground and do nothing but watch , as the life passes by.
Yes this blog has been narrative kind, my day is just half done as I make use of the peaceful time here to type. The climate is hot , humid and I am tired. Yes I d like a shower and would love to crash in bed. But there lies ahead 30 students with curious minds and willingness to learn...
This evening's hold ,new admissions , exam announcements , batch practice, my personal Riyaz and dance rehearsals for Saturday's show. Until I type again tomorrow morning , here is a tired by quiet soul signing off from outdoors.
Saturday, July 1, 2017
And so I quit FB somewhere around yesterday evening. It got to me , it became to pretentious. I accepted that I was getting the high of positive reward feedback for my brain and needed to get it required to pause , absorb, assimilate, process, hold in, hold on and recreate/reproduce. It had become the cult of slavery wherein I d be logged on and scrolling through the timelines at any given hour. Enough said than done I wanted to post every second of my life and mind everyone I had literally begin to perform my life.
Then I thought , why this? When my very own Guru who is such an enlightened entity stays away from limelight and public glare, un bothered, untethered by the chaotic humdrum around. I had to be inspired, I had to be productive and a doer than a watcher and a scroller. So I am not counting days when I say 21 since it began on an evening (who is judging anyways )
But for this month it is going to be the show on 8 th and then my Himachal trip.
I am sure to hustle at work and play at party when I ought to do what I ought to do.
I want this month to be a clean dream ride. With no crutches.
Yesterday I went off the radar and felt miserable when I swiped through screens and failed to find the comforting blue icon across. I was frustrated and angry at myself (I am glad that I can describe the emotions so clearly )
Then I binge ate (something which I rarely do)
I told myself come on, let it all come out...
Bring it on... I had an argument with Grandma, fought with Kanha and stayed up all night cribbing for nothing.
But this had to happen. These are weaning signs and for good. The very fact that I woke up feeling like posting a blog I am sure that I am in store for good.
I also wrote a poem yesterday and unknowingly and also in frustration. It was dying to come out. Lol... So I will officially say this is day 2. If this looks up, I may even think of quitting it for 100 days... Or maybe not. It's too early to think.
I know there are going to be temptations. But I m going to chill.
The show pics may not be updated , I won't be tagged in memes. I may not get the likes and loves and wows. So it is Okay to not be popular and the selfie queen that I am , for a while.
It's raining beautifully now and though I am terribly sleep deprived at this moment , I am in it.
It's a Sunday morning and I have this day to my experience. I must take inspiration from Advait and keep going that extra mile for every bit that I do. Read, write, express draw illustrate. Such an exciting ride to see... Ciao...
Wee hours of early dawn
On an an old chestnut door
Sticks on a Bougainville leaf
With seasonal raindrops
Drying over its withered brown
Humming birds from woods afar
Fly closer to this temple's bells
That swing with strong winds
And the sleeping baby
Turns it's face
away from the lightening sky above...
The porch is dim lit humid stuffy and cold
Occasional fireflies crash the dull
Her glass bangles tinkle aloud
As she walks in haste
Through the dark courtyard
Grass bordering the moss covered stones
Makes sure her speed is held back
With conscious gait
Her hands of sound dust the leaf off the door
It creeks , toddler disturbed
The dome fills with its half asleep cry
She quickly lights the lamp
And places as an offering
A bundle of moist crumpled notes
Earned from the night before
Joining her hands in prayer
Not forgetting to collect them back
As she opens her sleep deprived eyes
Gobbling down the offerings by other seekers
She seeks solace, lying tired
Beside her infant, letting it suckle
future from today's calm heart
As it beats with the rhythm of the bells
She, her offspring and God...
This moment is home
- Prajakta Sathe.
Thursday, June 1, 2017
The long day seeps
From the empty sixth month sky
Noon falls strangely silent into the eve
It's raining black cherries now
And seeing this the windows cry
A tube light flickers in faint
The smoke from the wick intoxicates
Fame casts a shadow of the melting drops
The molten transparent turns white
Like the only strand of hair
Left loose from my tight clasp bun
I hear the bell and open the door
To find a fresh string of carefully strung buds
Unblossomed mogra clad in green
Wondering if I must pick it up
I bend down to hear footsteps down the stairs
The gait sounding familiar I pick up the fragrant gift
I come in and sink in the sofa...
Place the string on my chest
Inhaling it deep I forget everything
My name and his and the memories
For a miniscule moment I feel free
I get up and fidget in the kitchen
Come by the curtains swinging crazy through the windy night
Raise a toast, it's masala chai...
Our masala chai...
Raindrops dry on my sweat covered face
Steam from the cup hazes the view
I see a figure sitting calmly in crazed downpour below
Cross-legged, meditative, sure...
I try to comprehend the seat
and fathom the time, the reason.
He tried, I think, now I must do...
I let go... Run down watch him stand to bid adieu
I hug, hold on, cling and try ...
We struggle to breathe while we cry
but some things were not meant to be
We promised we'd love but set the 'US' free
I watch him fade in torrential drift
Walk back home tad more swift
Drenched in tears the tube turns on
Destiny prevails, life moves on...
Sunday, May 28, 2017
Dew wet wings
Opening to say hi
Sun kissed paisleys
On my lips
You watch a leaf settle down
It's spring and you know...
You sound like spring rain
On a lazy noon
The mattress curls up
As dusk descends
On our naked softs
Love lays calm
Till night fades
In the faint last droplets
Pattering down the roof post shower
We know it's time
We know it's true
Buds blossoming in May
Float over clear cold lake ripples
Behind the line of drying socks...
With every gust of wind
This stranger comes closer
A determined sparrow
and some green melons split open
Only this city rave pricks within the seeds of the dusty woods
Fragrant blossoms remain
As the sun goes down
Trembling on a moonlit branch
We remember our scent
- Prajakta Sathe
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Pecking nudges, playing strides
Hormones sore, pictures liked
Windows open, chats spiked
Messages turn into voice notes
Selfies on request, impromptu video calls
Virtual becomes real, libidos impatient
Fantasies lived on backlights in the night
Smileys blow kisses, kisses laced with hearts
Lips and hips and curves drawn apart
Propositioned dates, drinks meet talks
Hands in hands at the sidewalk
Taxi booked, hooked up thus
Driver derailed with backseat fuss
Deep smooches hands sliding
Intimacy quivered hardness in hiding
Bodies meet, testosterone drives
Estrogen banged, sexting on tides
Blue ticks at night, filtered WhatsApps
Occasional tensions, I pill mishaps
Such is love, a need in the waiting
Unbarred by wedding masked by dating
Hungry , wanted , bated all...
Everyone rises refusing to fall...
Until one day grey hair shows
Quest continues until last breath bows
Sunday, April 30, 2017
Its my incapacitation when I even in my remotest of thoughts challenge his advice through my meagre science fed human mind. I must trust when he says something. Heart has faith, brain doesn't follow. Its a strange ridiculous fight which I am so sure I am about to conquer.
The key highlights of last few months were the KNOWLEDGE TO ACTION GAP being conquered.
I am happy I got off the procrastination phase and started doing things right away.
So the meets happened , the letters got signed and sealed, proposals got accepted (since they were just laying there ready in the drawer), the phone calls got done, the to do lists got ticked off. And the stagnant energy flowed. I assume there still is some faint inhibition of sorts when it comes to actively going out and saying what I have to say , yet I believe it will come sooner than ever.
As I polish the salad off the bowl tossed with some gorgeous organic goats cheese I ponder over what now? And this question will keep pinching me gently every next moment. Grandma would come tomorrow to be of help and stick around with erratic summer schedule at work. That also means that there would be sound , of television more often than not which I hate. I am used to sereneness of the university area and the perks of staying in a colony filled majorly with retired couples. I love how this noon sun is milder today and is aesthetically beautifying the living area with shadow play of the chickoo branches running across the balcony... The breeze is unusually cool, the parrots have been unusually chirpy today and the adorable cuckoo seems to have lost in her noon siesta... One of the room fan creaks as it goes round and I am in love with the rhythm it creates... feels as if I am in a Railway compartment... And I love how odourlessly neutral the environment is since my maid didn't enthusiastically lit a few incense sticks while she left... Glad she forgot. Neutral is good for a change.
Also the balcony garden has non fragrant flowers today , ABOLI, SHOEFLOWER HIBISCUS AND BLUEBELLS... mystically colorful yet totally without any olfactory stimulus.
I remember my favorite gypsy traveler quoting something philosophical while leaving. I don't remember the words but I have the essence embedded deep in my heart. He asked me to dare to do something which I would never ever think of doing and wanted me to observe how it transformed me from within... He has brought many inspiring people in my life. Ben says first he wanted to be the best version of himself and then he understood that it is a never ending quest , so he changed his life goal to be an inspiration to others. My gypsy traveler wants to keep moving, keep doing, keep changing and make an empire and to lead... I believe he would. The positive pressure he incurs on me to keep doing and keep moving and re proving and out shining the old version of myself is felt high even as I type these lines.
It is precious when your people dream for you and with you. (There may be many others who dream of us though) At this point it feels absolutely blissful to be surrounded with a bunch of dreamers ready to go for a kill. I miss my gypsy traveler and long for a reunion when it is meant to be. Until then I better up my game and pull my socks to see moist eyes smile (all over again)...
Sunday, March 19, 2017
Offsprings are evolved and upgraded miniature versions of strong personalities for sure.
Parents here are the primary care providers and first circle guardians of the kid spending most time of the week/weekend together.
Or it's Us Vs Us as a sub team of one grand parent Vs a biological first parent
or more often than not it's kid Vs himself/herself since he or she isn't matured enough to understand that the thing he/she is doing at that time is quiet other than anything that's of best interest to him or her.
Well, to be honest the teams are many times inevitable occurrences as a part of the growth of the Parent-Kid/s team.
Enough of preamble, I have been trying to get Kanha to eat by himself and this he temperamentally detests.
He likes being fed and this is a fact which has no basis of any disability to feed himself.
I started with simple cut foods that do not need use of touch (read eating with hands)
So bananas cut in slices to be eaten with a fork was the first step.
Slowly it went on to omlette or Chillas or Idlis for breakfast being cut and eaten with fork...
Then it came down to eating with a spoon , dal rice/ poha/ upma etc...
He threw tantrums , had melt downs , he threatened to not eat and even walk out...
This downright refusal was responded with a constant please eat first then we will talk.
He tried negotiations which were not entertained.
Detached clinical outlook and no winning losing streak is practiced...
You eat like this or you stay hungry...
He also tried the latter but soon realised that he also wants to eat... And the option was just eating on his own...
He got hungrier and more agitated however this was one of those situations where it was not going to be a power play or an ego polish but in fact going to be a bench mark in deciding what is an essential part of being reasonably independent.
This I had to do without comparison with his peers since I believe every child is unique and will have different times situations environment and parameters to his growing persona and independence.
I as a parent had decided it was time to slowly wean him off being hand fed.
So first it was breakfast at home.
Then it has come to breakfast and another important meal (spoon eatable)
He is still being fed some motor advanced meals like roti and sabzi...
He expressed his anger by saying he doesn't like me and that he is shifting to his grandparents house for good.
The important part was to play a role of a compassionate co participant by acknowledging that , 'I know that you are not feeling good about this , however it is important to be able to feed ourself.'
He asked me reasons and he was given reasons.
He asked for rewards and without countering I gently prodded his attention over all the things that he is allowed to do when he knows his quota for the day is done.
He asked, "Aai, tell me what do you do for me that I must do all this for you?"
To which my reply was ," you are doing this for yourself and You have to tell me what all I do for you because you are so observant and i love the fact that you think and know a lot. "
He was taken aback by this response. I knew he was craving to get a Reaction to spin the loop and go full blown into a temper fit.
But he knew from my stance that come what may his mom (team opp.) wasn't going to budge.
He tried pursuing his grandparents and His mommy gently asked them to stay calm and not speak till he has finished.
He tried calling his Dad and his dad said We will do what mom says and then we can talk when i return from office.
And so.... When everything failed , he asked me to sit in one room and not look at him. He asked his grandparents to go in another room and asked them to not come out...
Now it was a question of conquest of stubbornness Vs disciple.
A few hours down the line, slow spoons of Dal rice down his gut and buckets of tears down his eyes...
Finally a bowl was empty
A tiny stomach full
A mother grinning with relief
And a primary schooler happily watching his reward cartoon on I-pad.
Small victories of parenting are worth celebrating.
This episode repeats on a loop mode till the kid takes it on autopilot mode...
There are still many more meals to go, roti and phulkas to be fed and encouraged to be eaten with hands...
Then making him clean his own poo poo is on my next to do list.....
Donning many hats , this by far has been one of the most unpredictable one and nothing in the world , not even practise can make me perfect in being a parent.
It's a constant ongoing process of learning to be a team .... And keep playing...
Thursday, February 9, 2017
Here the blueprint and freewill give me a tough choice to follow. Plus we are said to connect or come into each others life for a purpose. When do we know that a role is over? With death? With legal separation? With physical distance? What about the emotional bonds? Where does the longing and inner yearning lead us to? Are we falling pray to our humane attachments by rekindling old ties and holding on? Are we not embracing change and being in the now?
Am I playing it safe so that I get best from both the worlds??? What could be the reason that I can sense that my physical presence needs validation from people I yearn for? At one point my sadhana is regular, my Riyaz is super consistent , my Guru is happy. What more do I want? Yet I feel a void.... And the lack of higher purpose too. Would I end up being just born to lead a comfortably mediocre life and die without no real spiritual progress and karma warded?
These questions are scaring my breath off today. Maybe it's just the change of seasons. Maybe it's exhaustion... Maybe I need to call it a day. It's late and both my body and mind need rest. But the soul keeps the yearning alive.... Tirelessly...
Of every minute that I have spent
Wanting to know
How it feels to be yours
A part of you
And a part of me
That we dreamt of
The days in the farm
The animals in the barn
And the babies we would have
Glistening in your eyes
Tears that refuse to stay
In proud oceans of satisfaction
Tightest hug ever
We made it , your arms say
And you tell me. -
It's your voice and I knew it would
I have won , you say...
Because you sang
And the melody plays in every beat of my heart
Our pulse now Ticks in sync
Our progeny.... musical and blissful
We rebuilt our empire
At a place where the space between two notes resides...
Peaceful serene full of joy
I can see happiness...
It's your eyes....
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Monday, February 6, 2017
Sunday, February 5, 2017
Yesterday's shoe went well. It's great to put up a gig without getting emotionally involved with the nitty gritty of who when why how where ...
Just go , perform your best and come back to a blissful state of mind. Happy to get a personal feedback from audience backstage. People come , meet and Feel connected.... To what the see and hear.... You maybe in a different phase in a different time zone all together once you climb down the stairs, yet the people who ve experienced the music still carry it with them... That's the magic of the phenomena that stage is. Then there are about a hundred immediate friend requests on FB... There are messenger pings wanting to connect. And if a few of them may come to know that a singer who sings a Gazal on stage with such filled up with romance and dard right upto the brim , may not be as emotional or sensitive in real life... They feel disappointed and many a times panic...
Yes all of us whether artists or not wear masks... We have a social mask, we have a performer mask , we have a parental mask, we have a childlike vulnerable self unmask, we have a student face, we have a lover phase, we have a brotherhood facet and much more.
We are more complex than we can imagine. The earlier we accept this the better sorted we become.
And it's not important to give importance to every damn thing in life. Let some things just be, and let many things go.... I am loving how February is flowing... Challenging in some ways smooth in some.
So I was supposed to go to Bhargava's for booking the keyboard, unfortunately they were closed and thanks to AD he insisted I must call them n check with them before I left for the purchase....
So that gave me some free time to go check on him. Poor AD was all down with chills and fever. Just the perfect time for comforting a dear friend . I loved to see the glee on his face and the aura turn all warm and cosy the minute he saw me.
We spoke about mountains, climbing, finances, new people we met in these days that we were far , cellular inflammation, ketosis, Rahul Gandhi, share market, madness and passion, diabetes, brinjals, hogging, chicken, butter, dinner,blues, leather, weather and sarees and acoustic Guitar (my weak point).
The reason I always mention about what I speak with AD is because both of us are on opposite poles and yet we connect brilliantly every single time... I am thrilled to bits that he is coming with my gang of 15 for Star gazing on 18 th. It is going to be a beautiful night :)
I believe a huge part of me is an inherent nurturer... I was sad that he was fasting and I couldn't feed him silly. Well pampering can go well beyond food and they were the most beautiful 90 mins of yesterday. (Yes even better than those on stage.)
I love how radically calm and joyfully blissful o become whenever I meet AD. I am glad I took the time off and saw him. I haven't checked if he is better today, but I know he and I reach out to each other just when we need to... May divinity bless him always. One of my best co-humans ever.... I will always pray for him.
Back home Kanha still down with fever yo-yoing between 100 and 103. Came down to make some hot stew for him and put up an alarm for every two hours throughout the night to check his temperature... I was dead tired and slept in seconds...
So a night full of fragmented sleep. I never heard the alarm even once which is extremely unlikely myself.... Himanshu woke me up and I checked temperature and administered medicines water and took him for the washroom...
But I still remember that I vividly dreamt about my chuddy buddy Gauri and Shahrukh khan with his son yesterday... I am not a Shahrukh fan at all. I mean I am okay with him but not I WON'T MISS HIS FILM EVER - kind of fanatic...
I was wearing a 'Gents vest' and was encouraged by Gauri to go find something for Shahrukh... Lol.... The place looked like dharavi and I was still a woman (hilarious to see myself in a gents vest running looking for I don't know what )
Gauri (my friend and not Shahrukh's wife kept an eye on Shahrukh's infant while Shahrukh seemed to open random things boxes n gutters to frantically search for Something...
Weird weird world... Gauri also gave me a weird very sexual look on my ass when I came back in the hut to drink some water.
She will beat me up if I tell her this.... ROFL...
I have No control over my dream and hence I was wondering if it was some kind of mixed doubles threesome act that followed pre or post that scene... Alas the alarm of 5.30 am rang... The dream left unrealised...
Today is a new day... Busy in the evening but taking it slow because of Kanha. He hadn't gone to school and is a quiet sleepy kid at home. I ll just be around and make him comfortable. Thank God Himanshu is home too... Work from home is a blessing in such times. Inspector K comes to say hi after class today at Parla. Never met him till today, we ve been acquaintances. He wanted to meet , I said hell why not! Meet a cop and see how it feels... Lol... Like I told a friend today on WhatsApp chat... I am not thinking about anything right now. I am just going with the flow. One moment at a time.
Happy week ahead.
Saturday, February 4, 2017
It was 2 pm , I Blasted off a construction contractor chatting away loudly and joking his way to glory at noon in our building compound over the phone. It's not a question of tolerance. It's a question of why and how people bear with such atrocities. My child is down with fever and I want undisturbed sleep for him and I am sure the retired residents and senior citizens in the colony must be resting as well.
I still wonder why no one raises their voice?
Just, yesterday I tried using the public ladies toilet @ranade road Dadar. A female climbing down the stairs of that Sulabh Shauchalaya spitted right near my foot as I was climbing up.
I stopped her I talked to her and told her to wake up... She must be 25... Why would people be so insensitive?
I ran towards a rickshaw which had a passenger throwing a bhel eaten paper outside... I told him that aap ko nahi lagta ki ghar jaise bahar bhi sab swaccha sundar dikhe?
I lend spare bags to so many people who shop alongside me at the market asking the subziwala for a separate plastic bag for each vegetable.
I have those net nylon fridge friendly zip bags with me which I always keep to segregate my greens. I always end up donating one as a sample to some plastic goddess beside me.
I am a sensory police... Not because I am intolerant. Just because I haven't closed my pores to the happenings around me.
I wash my fruits and veggies and then water the plants with that water...
A stopped a lady dragging her wailing child near our local garden. The little infant was covered in dust, tears, runny nose and sadness... Whatever the reason was... No human deserves to be dragged on the footpath... What could the baby have done? Been naughty? Been adamant? Thrown a tantrum?
Why such insensitive behaviour?
This may be miniscule in comparison to what many people are doing , however if each one of us starts, I am sure there will be a clean Revolution on the domestic front.
I pledge my friends around to start raising their voices against violence against their motherland and environment in their own small ways.
Thursday, February 2, 2017
Monday, January 30, 2017
Saturday, January 28, 2017
I have been trying to make Kanha learn feeding himself for quite some time now.... One hour down and a bowl of dal rice that has gone cold , my patience deserves a NOBEL...Parenting can be tough, I have juggled to the point of breakage a humongous task of having Kanha at home and fitting in studio classes gym session singing rehearsal and home front... I had to get work done till there were ppl to look after him at home in the morning... Himanshu left for lonavala early in the morning... that meant incessant alarms till he wakes up and I am shaken out of sleep. Then hius hustle bustle in and out of the bedroom frantically searching for stuff... the garbage man, the cook all turn up early when I needed to sleep just for a few more minutes... I was not as strong as my usual self while doing legs and triceps plus I had a time crunch so Vinod Sir was considerate and spared the hardcore stuff for some other day. Rushed home for studio class, Rehearsal thankfully at home while I bathed fed read to played with kanha in my breaks.... Noon he lost it , threw a fit and Blasted a full fledged tantrum. I dont hit, because its against my principals but Himanshu wants me to, thats the easier way... Viloence leads to violence.... nope ....there are words like Discipline , Anushasan, Tameez shot over me at gunpoint by my own parents.... phew.... I have to do it my way.... I let him wail it out for an hour. I guess kids have some unknown stressors they might have gathered throughout the week that come up in the form of tantrums and then get flushed out by tears. He was better after 60 minutes of cry therapy. So either give in to irrational demands or work my way through patience.... (deep down I was scared as a human to keep my calm and straight face to let him cry ) but explaination and talking wouldnt help.... He tried everything, voice, violence and surrender.... the last part worked as he returned to sleep in my arms in noon. By then my sleep had gone for a toss. My body was again cranky but my heart filled with delight as I sailed through a tough morning and noon. Now as I juggle my evening riyaz while I keep him entertained in non technology ways, I couldnt help from venting it out here....
I know I am not a mommy material at all since I am still in a 'chill maa', 'take a chill pill mom' mode myself.... But I wouldnt have known that I am not a mommy material until I became one. As totally unattached as I am to him and to anyone on this earth. I aspire myself detaching from myself as now.... If I can achieve even an iota of that my life is set.
Self absorbed , self consious, self observant... How did I become this? I am nothing in this huge brilliant world but however a part of me makes this very world is a wonderful thought to ponder upon...
Friday, January 27, 2017
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Today started on a relaxed note of a Saturday morning. Went to the gym to see the full cardio area shut for servicing and maintainence. So had to rely on functional training . Knee lock dead lifts, step ups, leg raises, crunches, reverse air walking and jumping jacks combined to make a great workout. Got to know a few gym ppl closer. Networking takes place in the most unlikely areas... Came home to a hurried lunch , nap (which was hampered with construction noises) and then rehearsals for an upcoming performance. The accompanists, the people around , the co performers had considerable low energy but the practice was okay. I ll be giving my best nevertheless. I guess it's okay to unlearn and make do with lesser technology and appreciate and shine a show with lesser instruments . Maybe the voice will shine, maybe not. Without thinking about it, I am just going to go with the flow. I made new friends today. Got to know a bunch of complete strangers on my way back. It's interesting how with less anxiety I can strike a conversation with a heterogeneous group of people. Came home famished... Whipped up some hot soup and steaming Patra. Himanshu suggested we go to the terrace. Very unlikely of him to say something like that. He is a lounging araaam lazing sleeping driving type of a person. Maybe the fitness keeda may have struck him. We walked while chatting for an hour. I was not up for a recardio , however couldn't resist to connect with Himanshu after long... So be it I said. I walked with him on the terrace for an hour. Came down to watch our favorites Indian Idol. Then adorned the role of a Bharatiya patni and rolled hot Rotis for him. Yes I do that, I like to at times pamper my folks. Not always but , well mostly whenever it is in my power. So I let him do his man thing and lie down with the remote as I cooked and fed him. Post that I remembered to check FB 200 likes already for today's rehearsal pic. Lol.... I regret not playing football with the young teens of my building when I felt like in the morning. At the most they would have said no.... Why why why didn't I try or ask, when I felt like kicking .... I really wanted to play as I saw them at it on my way back home from gym... Lesson learned. Do not fret or regret. Just do it.... That's all for today... Hope my cub sleeps well at his grandparents home tonight without troubling them. Concerned about them more not him... He can be such a bully at times... Long day... Learnt some things... Met few new souls. Connected with old... All is well. I am blessed.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
I cancelled another appointment due to someone's indescicivenes and lack of following a protocol. It was a rehearsal that was supposed to start at 1 pm. I was asked to extend the time and start at 1.40 to which I reluctantly agreed. Then the person shifted it to 2.30, I took a call. My time energy and effort is as precious as the party in front , hence in best interest of both I cancelled. I wonder if the cancellation would affect the performance since now we directly meet for the grand rehearsal. So be it. A commitment and respect for the time is universal and should never be compromised unless it's a life and death situation. I cancelled a few important commitments in the morning to have this rehearsals , nevertheless I ll gather things around and pick it up right from where it's left.
I hope the lack of punctuality trait doesn't lead to unfriending and blocking some good ppl from my life. I hope I gather courage to speak up what upsets me and let them know that this thing is non compromisable. Period.
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Tuesday noons are relaxed and hence any off track plan to be done happens today. So after a hectic morning routine , breakfast with dad , gym and lunch I was resting and going to take it slow however slow isn't meant for me ever I guess. My dear friend visited me to talk talk and talk more. We listened to music Classic rock and blues from Simon and Garfunkel , Ravel Bolero , BB king, Tribute to Led Zeppelin to nirguni bhajan by Pt.Mukul Shivputra, hori by Kalapini Komkali , Return of Shakti unplugged with Zakir Hussain to popular music... He decided to break his fast and I decided to pamper. It gives utmost pleasure to feed a hungry soul. He binged and hogged and I was happily tossing food from plan to his plate. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach they say... Well it is too bookish a comment... There is only way to anyone's heart I guess and that is Food. Lol... Food bonds us binds us thickens us mends us bends us... I am glad We looked up researched and discussed his forthcoming lifestyle change with Ketogenic diet that he is ready to adapt for good. He is teaching me to be unashamedly brutally honest about strengths and weaknesses... It was an amazing evening filled with laughter , fun, aromas, tastes , music , talks , food and warmth. I am one blessed soul and so is my friend... We are lucky to have each other in our lives. I also got the new year message by my Guru and Sadguru around the same time. Such a fabulous timing. Pondering over the message.... Until next post. Bbye!
Monday, January 16, 2017
My Guruji has highlighted the point of accepting change as a huge part of evolving spiritually in his recent talk. This made me ponder over what changed... To my surprise I ve loved the game of chucking off useless nervousness bouts by mentally saying a few things like
'How does it matter?'
'Atleast give it a try...'
'**** it, let's do it'
'Hell with everyone else if it feels right, go with it'
Eg.A few years back.... I hid in oodles of clothes feeling conscious at the cost of it coming in the way of my training... Lose fitting trousers and over sized tees meant I would never see if my form was correct and if I felt tight and toned after a session... I stopped that...
The day I invested in the right gear I loved the joy looking the part and feeling everything a workout had to offer... Looking great validated the fact that I wanted more of it and was ready to put it more efforts...
Just yesterday I wore a crop top anticipating a cardio session... On reaching the gym trainer declared we would do hard core functional training and no machines
I had to jump kick and squat and bend and do burpees and mountain climbers.
I went into a nervous spiral down thinking my midriff and my waist would show and I got conscious.
Just then my conscious said **** it just do it. Crop top or not midriff or back whatever shows or hides or is seen what matters is your effort and Who is watching doesn't matter
The trainer is like a doctor knowing every inch of fat or muscle under the subcutaneous layers....
The minute the fear of judgement disappeared I became free of nervousness and had a fabulous workout.
Once while running on an incline my Capri tights rolled down my butt in a gym full of people. Imagine that happening. I was in full speed running and couldn't have done anything but pull them up and keep going taking care that it doesn't happen again. And even if it did it was a calculated risk... Faux pax happens to everybody
Had this happened to me a few years back as at a unisex timing the gym I would have ran off never to return again... But things are different now.
I realised I needed to get way more confident and comfortable of what I have and in my skin.
I would never have thought of going out of my comfort zone ever a few years back. Going out for social events , speaking out in public expressing myself without any fear would be extremely difficult.
I wonder where these inherent fears came from.
But what's past is past. Today there is a different picture and I am happy to see what I look at.
Self love is extremely underrated. I was warned ridiculed and judged because I put up a few pics of mine which weren't upto the societal conditioning of my parents. I didn't back answer though I maintained my stance and posted what I wanted. This lead to a sense of liberation underlined with a bold line of taking full responsibility for my actions.
That night I was questioned and taunted with sarcasm for having a late night out and because I stayed at a coffee shop late and chatting just because I wanted to and there was so much to share and there wasn't a need for me to be present in the house really. As far as safety is concerned, anything can really happen anywhere . Why live in fear? Why not spend time with a friend who helps you grow ? Why not invest in yourself and people who add value to your life? Who is answerable to whom? All questions have case specific tweeked and manipulated answers...
I am headstrong on living my life on my terms.
Yes I have a family , yes I am a responsible mother partner daughter (in-law) etc. But above all I am a human first. My first commitment and first love will always be MYSELF.