Atah kim?

Yesterday was so Dramatic. Gym went super well, Sir was duper se bhi uper happy which meant that next few days will be pushed with mad overload... Its funny why being happy for our progress doesn't quite help since we are expected to outdo our previous benchmark every next attempt that we try... 

Came back to again crashing on bed, this sleep wave is maybe a result of long period of deprivation. I had mentioned to Guruji about my concerns about rest and he must have worked out something energetically. I asked mom to come help me with Kanha since his fever had subsided by then and she came. But my evening went in consoling Maasi and Naani. 

My baby cousin bro. has had a series of heartbreaks which he always shares with me. However, this time the blow was complex and the plot very Filmy. I know just one side of the story and hence cant take sides even if he is my cousin. This is his 6 th time in love and pretty entangled. He owns a travel company and took a tour where there was a family with a young girl. The girl was engaged to a boy in her workplace and it was an out and out love marriage to be married in a few months. Now my baby bro and this girl hit it off in the tour and got connected , they started chatting and meeting and calling and it got serious in no time. The girl on the other hand started wedding preparations with her fiance as well as started going around and getting more involved with my cousin. Now 10 th Feb is the wedding day, its a destination wedding and she is already at the venue but constantly connected with my cousin telling him that she loves him. Now even my cousin is confused and wants to take his chance to claim his love. However neither the female nor my cousin are ready to face the consequences. This lead my cousin to go into his shell and he stopped talking to his mom and dad and my naani. They got tensed since they sensed something was wrong and  they called me. They know for sure that He shares everything with me and knew that I would know. 

Bad place to be in. Part of the evening was spent in calming my maasi, chacha and naani down. None of these are bothered about any customs and traditions. All favor love marriages and are liberal enough to embrace any 'bahu' as their own. Just that they were scared to bits thinking that my cousin might do something bad to himself. 

On the other hand my cousin kept messaging me to guide him about NOW WHAT??? from his friend's place. He had gone there for a nightout and get together, 

Catch situations are tough, uncalled for but necessary to handle... I was exhausted and asked everyone to hold on and wait till he returned back home today. 

I on the other hand took solace in Sadhana and followed it with singing riyaz, Again slept early. Was tempted to open up a book since I thought I had slept enough in the noon, but no.... I slept and boy what brilliant sleep. DREAMLESS... Thats how one must rest....in peace...

On the other hand I am super excited about the star gazing camp that I am going, Actually I always wanted to go alone or with friends , but god knows why this time Himanshu was keen on coming along. I was happy but then he added his whole office crew to the group. I am tad bit concerned that it might turn into his corporate outing.... Ewwww.... 

But I am happy as I would have AD around to make it all sensible and worth it. To be honest when Himanshu started adding more people to the booking my concerns were about gettting to go crazy and spend time with AD , there would be women and single women and AD being a single man would definitely connect with everyone with his usual charisma and charm. I was afraid and insecure of being deprived of company.... Himanshu would have his workmates and AD his women ofcourse... Then I laughed about it.... 

What was it all about at the end of the day? where did this cheap streak come from? Why did I want AD all for myself? I laughed it off in mind. Isnt all of it about being super brutally honest about our own feelings and completely authentic about what we feel and be okay with how we feel about someone. Love, affection, liking, attraction is all about purest form of inherent beings that we are supposed to be, Why does a J factor even come into picture? I am glad that I got aware and documented any possesive streak or feeling of ownership that peeped into my being. Just like I am one person sharing my physical self with one, time with another , emotions with yet another and friendship with someone and spirituality and a platonic connect with someone else, I am being foolish to limit them and their exclusivity to me. They may be equally mine as well as someone else's in full authenticity. 

When I say KANHA is not mine, I never owned him and never will. He is just through me. A complete different physical entity who has just used my womb as a medium to enter this physical world. It was a silly streak of my humanness and conditioning that I got bothered  with if I would be happy under the stars? Of everything in the world STARS which fascinate me as one of the most wonderful things in the universe.... why must I worry about being happy or getting company, attention or validation? Silly silly me.... 

Let AD be him and let Himanshu be him and let me be me.So with no expectations from anything living and a promise that I will let only the sky communicate, I close the stargazing chapter for good. Let the divine intervention make things happen as they are meant to be. My job is to be Present.

           SF has been trying to connect and message , and I am just replying with smileys. I know for sure that I will respond and speak when there is genuinely something to say. I will let this beautiful sleep abundance phase happen in full glory, I was amused to see some old pics of mine with double chin being liked by a friend. He said he found them cute. When I look back upon how inspite our standards of what we like as a generic personality in opposite sex is almost always or mostly diametrically different than our actual legal counterparts. Well, atleast in my case... I love Macho Alpha Males with Biceps beard moushes Guitar and all things which superconfirm testosteron. Himanshu is clean shaven , corporate, lean dude with mildness as his flavor. While Himanshu loves superthin women with tiny waists and long hair, I have always been stout and plump...

While I still continue to say that what lies in the HEAD , the Heart , the Being and the Soul always rules.... its just the physical contrast that amuses me. 

Another long day with class and rehearsal and sadhana and riyaz going on.... 

Yearning to write about dance.... Hope it incubates well to come out at the right time!