Last few days have had so many curves and graphical content that it was almost impossible to find time to post, Though writing regularly has been a promise I ve committed myself with I havent been able to stick to it. A the riyaz and the sadhana are going extremely well and so is gym, so much so that my body gave way yesterday.
A, it was sleep deprivation due to recent sudden and incessant Snoring bouts by my legal partner. My nights have been ruined for good and its not HIS fault, its mine coz I have been a finicky picky sleep baby... I love people who can doze off at any hour any where and in noise and light.... phew I am a snob and this needs to change BIG time. My crankiness adds to the fact that Class, gym, riyaz , sadhana, kanha , home, mom and dad's travel, is going on in full swing. Its a challenge to keep doing it day in and out without enough rest. Plus this week was specially stressful due university exam form deadline and the big deal that comes up every january and august, the technicalities, the paperwork and the phone calls and coordination. The finalisation of performance material and variation for all students is on an all time high... Hall bookings for rehearsals and artist bookings for accompaniment is ridiculously energy consuming. I have tried my level best to not have a break down and go in my shell. But yesterday night I vented it all out to Guruji. The fact that being all of this with a spiritual journey going on, maybe chakras and cleansing and nadi shuddhi taking place since the deeksha sometimes one needs a break. All things good or bad come in extremes... So this silly watermelon spoof or reality struck yet again. Dr.Paranjape had done pulse analysis and had declared that I am allergic to watermelons. My besties declared its all in the head, so as rebellious as I can get I fed myself two three pieces. Sab moh maya hai.... Hoping planning and prepared for nothing I went to bed only to lay restless due to extreme body ache stomach pain back catch and suffering throughout the night. I hadn't slept in two nights straight so my body had to shut down.... It didnt.... fucked up as I was I understood that I can either be all strong or in bed... there isn't inbetween. I had spoken to Guruji about my energy levels and how I haven't found a ground in terms of intimacy. I keep wanting more action in bed and just like working out keeps me going, great sex adds on to it. I understand legal halves may differ and be stressed or tired or may be unable to match, but one should try. There is a difference in BEING READY TO DO IT & ACTUALLY DOING IT.... I am not a frustrated woman in terms of physical satisfaction. There are ways and then there are ways...
In our recent get together of college friends we raised the topic of sexual health. I was sad to hear not many folks give intimacy a priority. No one talks about self pleasure, no one admits masturbation. Why are such topics taboo? I am so much in tune with my own needs that step one is I do admit my self please episodes to my legal partner. Again I am saying that my pleasure or satisfaction isnt solely HIS responsibility. Its ridiculous to hold your partner fully responsible for any happiness, mental, emotional or and physical. So, I take matters in my own hands and keep my health and fitness going be in or out of the bedroom.... Making love , having sex or self pleasure is as important as nutrition, clean eating and staying active. Guruji has said that even Gods have reincarnated in human form in order to experience Love/intimacy. having said that I told Guruji everything that happened recently. I am so blessed to have him one message, call or drive away.... He always patiently listens...
I blocked someone from whatsapp due to baggage and negativity. With or without him If I have to make it , I will. No more staleness and puddles of dark... I am in full fledge light... I was super hesitant to do it but my God have me a gentle nudge and I am glad he did. Now I am free of conditions and attachments and ties and strings that are badly pulled at wrong places. No the human was never a mistake , that human was a lesson.... I am amazed at how detached I can be to someone whom I had complete faith in some time back.... let bygones be bygones... Some things showed up in memories on FB and this time last year we were together as a team. Change is what I ll accept.
And then I couldnt sleep even today noon.... body still hurts like a million pricks. I was warned about body aches when chakras open up. I am sure my karmas must be washing off. I am not much of a sufferer. I like to express and let go.... I was super horny and high since yesterday morning and noon.... I wanted love which I couldnt get for many reasons...I craved for company, well, the pain gave me company till now... Amazed at how body rebels if denied of its wants....
A friend narrates episodes of elderly couple trying to convince a young couple with a child having a genetically inheritable degenerative disorder to have another baby. The friend and the young couple were furious. The female in the young couple even told the elderly couple that she would have to abort several times till a healthy fetus was conceived to which the elder man said SO WHAT???
Now this is how toxic garbage passes on from one human to another. Personal life is a personal decision, intimate matters need to remain in the couple unless they decide to share it. Well, I know all the parties very well in the story. There is no right or wrong. I am not taking sides. Elderly couple has age related frustration and ego which they might want to throw and give unseeked advice. Their journey. I would have smiled and kept my mouth shut had it happened to me and it has happened. Initial me before spirituality happened would have given right and left to the couple fighting it out till I emerged a winner and proved a point. But now I love what beauty and magic of what mute can achieve. Silence wins many challenging battles... And my new found love for silence just proves it right.
What is the point in pulling and maintaining relations for the heck of it. Dil chahta hai to call karenge contacts banaye rakhenge. Himanshu is amazed as to how I never call even call my own parents or his. Not that I don't love them, just that I am not connected to them like they want. I ve had lovely time with my in laws when they are here or when I ve gone back home... We have spent hours chatting and gossiping and discussing life philosophy history... But I like to connect to them in person. I cant keep contact virtually . I am equally comfortable with ABSENCE as much as I am with PRESENCE.
I am immensely excited that many friends are curious about Guruji and a few of them want to meet him too! I came to know about AD's age and this reaffirmed that AGE is just a number. He is almost 20 years elder to me but just compliments me in every way. We are like a house on fire when we meet but at the same time I dont miss him when he is not around. This is magic. I make NOW as real and action oriented as possible.
An FB acquaintance recently asked me questions about my past out of curiosity and I answered without any inhibitions. Just that I have a question for myself.... how does it matter? It does for getting stories and get fascinated with life!!!! I completely love listening to ppls stories. Thats what humans get driven by..... 'what made some one what they are' today is fascinating to the listener. I am happy I told about some instances about my past clinically without any involvement or attachment to it...
S.F. and I shared some lovely moments on phone where we shared our ups and downs and life and light design sensibilities and arabic culture and animals and guitar.... and alternative medicine...wildlife and nature...I am glad to have him in my life...
AD , SF have been gifts from life. I am glad I know them.
I dont know how the evening will go and if I can get back to my schedule tomorrow. Lets hope for the best! Dear Body please cooperate...
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