God, father and I

There are somethings which are just there. And we cannot touch them... they are so meant to be... like a few people in our lives or a handful of situations that we face at significant times of our life... if we look back, we 'd find there could hardly be any other way it could have been done and had it been any other way we wouldn't have been what we are today...
It's not just education and upbringing that makes us what we are but essentially the experience package that we have signed up for... having experience again does not guarentee wisdom, very few people evolve and go beyond what life has taught them...
Getting off the philosophical emblem I am going to aim at dwelling deep into my experience world and am going to fetch instances which might be collectively responsible for my present...
At an age where kids crave for an emotionally sound childhood, I was flung on a a dual living for existence... I had a biological mom and then I had my grand mom who raised me... so destiny in a way bestowed me with two female caregivers... one who provided for and exuded a string of attachment...my mother and the other my granny who raised me right from the age of a few months till I was well into teens reliving her motherhood but this time with a tinge of extra responsibility since I was someone else's child.... I stayed with my grand parents on weekdays and travelled to my suburban home to my parents house over the weekend... this made me crave the company of both sets of care givers... Mom was a good influence and a rare company which I craved for.... Dad was a conservative alpha male who was oblivious to the fact that he had a child, he would have been more involved had I been a Son instead of a daughter. That's his upbringing ofcourse....
I had a few traumatic experiences in the childhood as far as my paternal interactions are concerned...
Father has always based his life philosophy out of fear instead of out of love...
Hence Anger was a huge weapon he used to combat me. I use the word combat here which might sound a bit over the top , but in true sense he did. As unpretentious and carefree as I was...like all innocent children are, my child like natural playfulness was scarred for life by his bouts of outrage, hateful expression and egoistic attitude. I was exposed to a highly toxic spiteful language and actions rooting from violence throughout my childhood...
Ofcourse he in turn had his upbringing and circumstances to be how he was..
He had to work very early in life to support his family. Work pressure and financial independence brought him a plethora of ego boosting careless layer to the inferiority complex he had carried till then and then bad company at work made things easy to fall out... language harsh , addictions easy to follow and focus on progress blur.
I remember we had lots of flower trees in our ground floor apartment then. Making flower garlands was my favorite passtime over the weekends... one day I declared I d be making a huge one for our home Ganesh photo frame.... Hence I did.... in my excitement I wore it myself to show my parents how it looked.... I was unaware of the religious aspects of making offerings of exclusivity to Deities then....
Baba in outrage ripped off the garland off my neck and flung it out of the balcony saying I have ruined it....
There was Anger Volume and Hatred in his words....
All I remember crystal clear that my heart pounded heavily as tears rolled down my tender cheeks....
This was my first tryst with Religion based on idol worship which was fear based....
Once I smelled some flowers kept for his Puja, the episode repeated....
Once an offering slipped off my hand and fell to the ground, the episode repeated....
Once I touched God's frame before I bathed the episode repeated....
My mother was protective however she couldn't surpass his Negativity...
My aunt was a Christian. Once she sent Easter eggs for us.
Incidentally it was Ganesh Chaturthi and everyone at home was about to break some fast.
I in excitement served everyone a piece of Easter eggs in their Naivedyam plates....
You can imagine what blasting I must have received to do an act like that...
I was labelled as their official Dharm bhrashtaa from then....
In my college years I was tagged and labelled as an Aashrit in the house which was a huge blow to my self esteem as a young girl...
Having said that I on the other hand was raised by an extremely liberal set of grandparents....
Grandfather a non believer in the concept of God and grandmom a believer in God but an absolute non ritualistic person....
This contrast in upbringing led to many questions in my young mind....
There was confusion about influence....
This made me neither a skeptic nor a follower.
However it definitely caused me a lot of baggage that I had to carry as an adult...
A baggage that was challenging to shed off....
However as I distanced myself from him as I grew up our clashes continued till we blocked each other's worlds from our lives until last 5 years since the birth of my Child Kanha our lives have intersected again and this time better and in a mellow way.
Not because he changed, but I did and the circumstances around me did too... his love for my son is unlimited raised to eternity.... this makes things comfortable and better for the family...
Kanha and my dad now share an extremely strong bond.... he dotes on his grandson while my little one bosses over his grand dad.
It's nice to watch this from a distance....
This time however, I watch as a human...
Completely unattached non involved unaffected and neutral towards both my father and my son.
Now however I have a Voice and assertiveness to put forth my views and principles of upbringing that I want to be executed while raising my child.
I strongly stand by my opinion that as much as I love being a mother, I believe that Kanha is through me and I don't own him...
This is a blessing , trust me it is....
I will try to pen down thoughts more often on this page with no barriers....
I guess life is an open book and venturing into spirituality has made me understand one thing....
It's okay to be vulnerable , it's okay to be dark, it's okay to suffer to fight to rise or not....
After all, We all are learning, are on the same journey, just at different times stages....
On the eve of his 64 th Birthday. I wish him all the best living a life of contentment peace and joy.
Had it not been for you, I wouldn't have been me....
Thank you Baba.